I don’t bother checking to see if she’s breathing. If she hasn’t woken up yet, then she isn’t going to. Evey is convinced she’s asleep, and I don’t plan to counter her. She’s still too young to know about some things, and this is one of them. The island grows larger ahead, probably another twenty minutes smooth sailing before we reach the dock, then I’ll drive her to the hospital, and then Evey and I will collect shells, and it never will have happened. If only it were that simple.
If I unload a body off my ship, people will ask, and I don’t have a good explanation. The hospital will ask too. I’ll have to fill out paperwork and Evey will wander around in circles in the waiting room, asking more questions than the papers do. I shake my head. One thing at a time.
“Dad,” I turn around and Evey stands behind me, leaning against the handle bar of the wall. “Can we go mermaid watching?” This was a common thing we did sailing between islands. We used the binoculars to find mermaids, never really coming up with more results than occasional dolphins and scuba divers. Still, it would be a welcome distraction.
“Ya. let’s go.”
Evey has a habit of leaning over the railing, which is understandable, because she can’t see over the rails, so I have to put I bulky life vest on her, making her sad and hilarious to look at, and even more so to watch as she walks, or waddles, around.
She bends hazardously over the edge, her feet on the bottom rail. She points to something in the distance, but her comment is cut off but a loud scream.
I turn, grabbing Evey instinctively. The girl, who I left on the back of the ship, had gotten up and scurried against the wall of the ship, panting, panic painting her face. Her eyes meet mine, then Evey, then she tries to move farther back, forgetting the wall behind her.
Tears roll down her cheeks. Part of me wants to comfort her; the other half wants to call the police. Neither side wins, so I just stand there frozen, Evey tightly pulled against my side.
“Told ya she was sleeping,” Evey whispers.
Against my better judgment, I release my grip on Evey. “Go inside, and stay there, don’t come up okay?” She seems to consider it for a second, then nods and turns, keeping her eyes on the girl. The girl watches her too, watching until she disappears from view, then turns her head back to me, still panting, still afraid.
I take a step closer, and she presses into the wall, so I don’t try again. Instead I squat down, trying to show I’m friendly, but only making her more afraid. I lick my lips. “H-hi,” My voice cracks a little. My mouth feels dry and I feel like I have to think each word before I say it “What’s your name?”
She stares at me for a second then gulps, then opens her mouth, then starts to cry silently. “I-I don’t know.” She says. She sounds afraid, like she doesn’t know her own voice. “I-I can’t remember. Can’t-Can’t remember anything,” she looks down at her feet and tears slide smoothly down her face. She loosens a little, but in a bad way, like she’s going limp.
Again, I lick my lips. Why are they so chapped? Why won’t words come? “What did it start with? Your name, I mean, the first letter,” My words stumble off my tongue awkwardly and I doubt she understood me. Still she looks up at me, still with that look of panic, of fear, and then looks back down.
I keep pushing. “Does it start with an N?” She doesn’t look like she heard me. “Maybe an S?” I inch a little closer. “An L?” She looks up, whether from my words or my shrinking distance, I can’t say, but I take it like I want it. “Alright. L. My name is Kaito. You can call me Kai though,” She holds my stare for another moment, silently, crushingly. Her eyes are brown with a speck of amber in the corner of her right eye, and they feel like they’re lighting me on fire, prickling the hairs on my arms, my neck, my legs, stimulating every nerve, confusing my thoughts, taking away my ability to think, and yet for some reason it feels good. Almost painful yet soft and calm and delicate, like a flakey pastry with too much lime. It feels like an eternity and two before she turns away, looking back at her feet.
Without looking up she says, “The girl?”
“The, the what?” I say, trying to catch another glimpse of her eyes.
She looks up, not afraid, but frustrated, angry. “The girl, the one you sent away. What’s her name?” She says. When she looks at me now, it feels more like a small blade slowly digging into my skin.
“Evey,” I say, out of breathe for no reason. “Her name is Evey,”
She looks confused. “That sounds like a strange name,”
Part of me is annoyed at her, for questioning her name; the other part wants to laugh at her sudden curiosity. “You’re one to talk, L. Evey is her nickname. We thought we were having a boy and decided to name him Evan, but when he came, it was a girl. My wife didn’t know what name to choose, so we just kept her name as Evan; Evey,”
“You have a wife? But you seem too young, too young to have a child at least,”
“I-I married early. Too early for her I guess. She-she left me with Evey two years ago and I haven’t seen her since,” My voice cracks on the last word.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” She looks back down and goes silent, all her sudden interest gone.
“Are you? Married I mean?”
She doesn’t look up. “I don’t know. Maybe?”
Before I can respond we hit a bump and she holds her arms out to grab something, coming out with empty air. I almost laugh, not realizing how immune I had become to it. “It’s okay, were getting close, I’m going to go back to the wheel. Let me help you up,” I say, standing up and holding out a hand.
She looks up at me and reaches for my hand. We hit another bump and she yelps, wrapping herself around my legs. This time I do laugh, and pull her up gently by the arms. “You can stay below deck till we reach port. We’ll see if anyone knows you there,” she nods silently then walks the same path Evey took to go below. I return to the steering wheel, thinking two things: how strange she was, and how strange I was around her.

The boat rocks strongly and I stumble down the ladder, grabbing at every railing I can find. The room I enter holds a small kitchen with little counter space, and coffee table and couch with a blanket tossed lazily onto it. A small T.V is built into the wall and a prehistoric laptop sits on the table. Beside the TV is a doorway that likely leads to the bedrooms, and leaning against the frame is the little girl- Evey.

“Are you a mermaid?”
My eyes shift to feet for reassurance, “Umm, I don’t think I am,” I say slowly.
She looks momentarily disappointed. “What’s your name?”
I close my eyes. I can remember this. Something with an L in it, I’m sure. Ella? Ally? Eloise? I shake my head. None of it sounds right. “L. Just L.”
“That’s a weird name. But it’s kind of pretty. Do you want to play dolls?” I smile and nod. And she leads me into her pink covered room. “You look a lot like one of my dolls. See? This is Amanda,” she leans in and whispers. “She’s really Barbie at the beach, but she doesn’t know that,” She hands me the doll. She continues, “And this is Marry, see. Okay, lets play now. You can change her dress to this one, but this one is for me…”
She continues to talk and I just smile and nod, my hands moving the doll like I think she wants and following the simple dialogue I’m expected to have, like I’m doing Improv while she has a script. My mind drifts away from the dolls, and the pink room, and the boat.
I try to see what else I can remember. It’s as if my memory was ransacked and there’s only scraps of information left and none of it useful. White sheets, a man’s face, pink sole-less shoes. Every thing is scattered around my head and every time I see something, my head feels like it’s been hit with a bat. I remember three things. The boat, the man and Evey, and my new name, L. How is that all?
“Amanda, I said it’s time for sleep. L are you okay? You’re squeezing Amanda,” Evey looks at my doll, and I realize I’m clenching my fist, leaving marks on the palm of my empty hand and the arm of the doll awkwardly bent in the other. “Sorry, I’m fine,” And I continue to play with the dolls.

Kai

The engine rumbles dully as the boat is secured into port. A man on the deck, instead of Julian, gives thumbs up and says something in a foreign language - a foreign language to me, but the custom language here. I cut off the engine and go below decks to get Evey, and L. I duck through the too low doorframe and stare into the pink room. What ever I was expecting, it wasn’t the scene in front of me. Evey sat in her favorite princess dress with a plastic crown, and L was in a bright-feathered scarf. They both sit at the tiny table holding teacups, L having obvious trouble extending her pinky.
“My fair ladies, I do request permission to report,” I say, bowing.
“Permission granted,” Evey says.
“We have reached our destination, allow me to escort you to your castle,” I formed my arm into a triangle and Evey latched on at the wrist. L still sat at the table, holding her teacup awkwardly. I tilted my head to gesture for her to follow us and she came to stand beside me. When she was against the wall I hadn’t realized she was rather short, almost a head shorter than me, actually.
We walk together, but L trails a little behind. Before she can walk off the boat I lean over and whisper, “You’re still wearing the scarf,”
She leans back, a grin just barely exposed. “I know,” I smile and turn back toward the deck. The man says something to his friend and they laugh and pointed at L. She notices, but she doesn’t seem to change her expression. If anything it fueled it. She suddenly bends low to the ground and picks up a small chunk of pavement. “Hey Evey, look at the fish,” she points to the water and as soon as Evey was distracted she whipped around, chucking the rock at the men, who just barely dodge it, then smiles, simultaneously making a rude gesture.
“I don’t see any fish,” Evey was looking off the pier at the empty water below.
“Oh, they must have swam off,” She smiles at her then looks at me.
“Next time try not to attack the people in charge to my ship,” I form a grin to match hers.
“I make no promises.”

The sun is already beginning to set when we reach the bank, which was the closest place with an efficient phone. Shadows grow at my feet, stretching across the pavement and slowly draining the sun from the pier. Kai paces as far as the phone cord allows him to, glancing at me every once in while, to check my hair color, or my height probably.
I always look away when he looks at me. Feeling a warm sensation in my cheeks when he catches my watching him. In the seconds we hold each other’s stares, I see his deep blue eyes, close to black yet somehow light in color. My eyes are hazel, I think, but they may be brown. Like every time I call a memory to mind, there’s a stab of pain and I wince, remembering someone’s masculine voice telling me I had beautiful eyes.
The glass door opens and closes and Kai stands in front of me, holding out a hand. A pattern had molded into my skin from the bench, but I ignore it as Kai turns and walks away, Evey following close behind. “Kai, did you find anything?” I run up beside him, trying to lengthen my strides to keep up.
“No,” His face is strict with creases lining his forehead and a slight frown woven into his lips. “I doubt it possible you have been missing for more than a month, and there have been no missing persons reports within these islands of those farther off. Unless you survived multiple months unconscious on a log, or you somehow drifted for miles against currents, you pretty much popped into existence,” He doesn’t look at me. I probably wouldn’t either.
A shiver slinks down my spine like trickling water, making my whole body shudder. I feel like I’m worthless, nothingness, just a wisp of wind that should never have become a breeze. It’s like a book with no pages, no words, just an untitled cover.
“Oh,” I don’t know what else to say.
“You’re going to stay with us until we can think of something else,” We come to the curb and he holds his hand up. For a second I think he’s telling me to stop, but then a car pulls in front of us and I realize he was signaling him, not me.
He moves around to the other side of the car, and I open the passenger door, letting Evey go in first, then crawling in myself and fumbling with the seat belt. Kai talks to the driver nonchalantly.
“Hey Kai, heading back?”
“Ya, got some new cargo coming with me, say how’s Mia, I heard she was sick yesterday,”
“Oh, fine now. I thought she was trying to get out of school, but turns out she wasn’t kidding. I call it a first. Hey, who’s the lady friend?” The driver turns back to me. He has a scruffy appearance and is slightly unshaven, but has an air of friendliness to him, as well as a hint of arrogance. Blood rushes to my cheeks and I look down at my toes again.
“Let up, Jeff, she’s a little confused,” He says something under his breath I couldn’t make out, but I had a feeling it was about my missing identity, or my mental health. I couldn’t deny whatever he said about either.
Kai and Jeff continue to talk throughout the ride. There’s a certain beauty to the way they laugh, so comfortable with each other. How Kai saw his car and felt safe enough to jump in. How they knew everything about the others life, even when separated by sea and sand. If only I could feel that comfortable about talking. About laughing. But what could I say? I don’t remember anything before this afternoon.
Instead of talking I stare out the window. The road winds along the side of a jungle covered mountain. Tons of leaves and trees and ground plants and vines of all different sizes coat the surface, though all in the same color, making it seem like thickened grass from far away. It feels like half an hour of driving, partially tuned into conversation, partially looking at the bird flocks or occasional nature infested shacks. Eventually the land flattens and more and more buildings appear, still spread, but well populated. People walk the streets, and the jungle thins to reveal more trees and eventually a sandy beach before an ocean.
The car suddenly slows to a halt, and Kai jumps out, opening the door for Evey and me. “We’re here,” He still looks at me with a hint of absence, like he doesn’t want to look at me directly. Maybe I don’t want to either.
The house is on the left side of the road, the side that was sand and water. Unlike all the other houses, it was a small two story Tuscan house practically on the sand. It wasn’t an enormous house, it wasn’t a classy house, but I couldn’t imagine a house more beautiful. “This is your house?”
“What? Not up to your standards?” It was a joke, it was funny, but he doesn’t laugh, doesn’t even smile, so I don’t either.
“It’s… Nice,” I can’t remember why I commented in the first place. I’m a burden to him. I don’t need to give my opinion. He doesn’t need me, but I need him, so I have to make it worth his while.
“Thank you I designed it myself actually,” he walks to the door and I follow an inch behind.
I shouldn’t say anything, I don’t need to, but I have to. “You have this and your boat?”
“My parents were very wealthy, but died before I could graduate. They never saw me off, but they gave me enough to do so on my own. I didn’t spend it until I had another outlet if I ran out, and I wrote a few books. Simple fiction, if you’ve heard of The Life of a Jay, and also Hope I Hear You, Say My Name,”
I don’t say anything when he pauses. Obviously I don’t know. I don’t know anything. Snap out of it, stop putting yourself down. I think. If only saying it made it true.
“Any way, when I was on stable ground, I moved here, found a girl, had a kid, then lost the girl, raised the kid, and found another girl floating in the middle of the ocean.
I bite my lip. “Well, at least I have an identity now,” the words come out slowly, like I have to test them on my tongue.
He looks at me perplexed. “Oh? And what’s that?”
“The girl floating in the middle of the ocean,”
He does smile, but it doesn’t meet his eyes. “I’ll be sure to put that on your business cards. Would you like to enter the house now? My arms getting tired,” I hadn’t realized that he had been holding the door open the entire conversation, and awkwardly walked inside.
The house was done up much like the boat. There was one large open room for a kitchen and bar, and a cozy living room with a blanket covered couch, armchair, a coffee table and TV stand. Floor to ceiling windows cover the far wall and looked out over the ocean. There’s a stairway to my right and a hallway to my left.
“I’ll show you to your room, it’s just up here,” He points to the staircase and walks up, and I follow in suit until we reach another door and he opens it. There’s one queen bed with a bedside table and a simple desk, but there’s a stunning view of the water that puts the most lavishly of furnished rooms to shame.
“Thank you, thank you so much,”
“No worries, the bed is probably more comfortable than a log any ways, but not by much. I’ll bring you up some dinner in a minute, I have to put Evey to sleep first,” Before I can tell him I’m fine, that I don’t need anything, the door closes and I’m alone.

The sliver of light on Evey’s walls grows thinner as I close the door. As soon as I click the door shut, I walk into the kitchen and make spaghetti, acknowledging that it will take the longest to make.
I sink into the couch and think about L. If fate has a plan for everything, then where are her blueprints? Where are mine?
Again, for perhaps the thousandth time, I think about her eyes, her lips, and her freckles. How her smile stains my mind, and how it reminds me so much of Alony. How her voice is clear even when she doesn’t try. How even when she’s scared, seems so opinionated, so lively. Even when she doesn’t exist.
Then again, maybe she does. Maybe she knows exactly who she is, and doesn’t want me to know it. Maybe she isn’t clueless or lonely. Maybe it’s all a scam. An effective one.
But what if it’s not? What if this is real? I can’t avoid her forever. I can’t even do a good job trying. My head is split in two. One wants her to stay, and one wants to see her gone tomorrow. I can’t figure out why on either side. Maybe she feels the same way.
When I turn back to the kitchen, steam emits from the pot and I pour in the spaghetti, finding a welcome distraction with meat sauce.

My clothes, I hadn’t realized, were covered in sand and scratched against my skin. Before I hadn’t realized, but now I couldn’t ignore it. There was a small closet in the room with extra toiletries and a few abandoned outfits. Inside was a leotard with a tutu for Evey, some flats that looked almost my size, and two large T-shirts of Kai’s. It’s all tossed in a guest closet, so no one will mind if I use it, I hope.
I pick the plain blue t-shirt instead of one with a surfboard. It is much too big for me, with the circle neck showing my entire collar and then some, and the sleeves revealing an exact measurement of what I don’t want seen. Unless I want to wear sand and salted jeans, or a youth tutu, it will have to work.
I pull my arms out of the sleeves and through the neckline, and then tucking the sleeves into the neckline, it becomes a makeshift wrap dress. The flats are also a size large and I use the toilet paper on the top shelf to fill the gaps. Chances are it doesn’t look like an outfit at all, but I don’t have a mirror so I can’t find out.
The door opens as I close the closet and Kai comes in with a steaming plate. My stomach lurches as I smell meat and tomato. “Where’d you get the extra outfit?”
“Uh, closet,” I point to it, hoping he isn’t mad that I used his belongings, or stretched out his shirt.
Instead, he just looks understanding. “Creative. I hope you like spaghetti, because it’s pretty much the only thing I can make that doesn’t come from a can,” He smiles. He seems a little more open, but it feels forced.
“Thanks,” I take the plate and immediately eat, suddenly forgetting my surroundings. How could I stand my hunger? It feels like my first meal in weeks. The food isn’t delicious it’s self but it could be weeks old and it would have felt like the greatest meal of my life.
“Well, at least we know you aren’t vegetarian,” A grin plays with his lips, this time not forced.
“At least we know you have a comment for everything,” I say, my mouth still full of spaghetti. He laughs and sits beside me on my bed. Usually I look at my feet, but this time he looks at mine instead. For a second it seems strange, then I realize.
“They were hers, weren’t they?” I put my fork down.

“Alony’s, yes,” I can’t see his eyes well, but I can tell they are watery. “They were the shoes she wore when we met actually, and the only shoes she left behind,” The story replays in his mind, and I pretend I can watch.

“Did you ever find out why?” Maybe I shouldn’t ask. Maybe I should stop second-guessing.

“That was the worst part. All she left was a note. Said she had to get away, she had to start a new life. She sounded like she was running away. Maybe she was. Maybe she was running from me,” He looks out the window and I watch him carefully. I just brought up the worst memory of his life. He loved her, and she left him. In that moment I decide that I hate her.

He clears his throat after a long minute of silence. “That’s all for story time tonight. Get some sleep. Tomorrow we’ll go to town and get you some things,” He closes the door until there’s only a sliver remaining. “Good night,” The door closes. And I put down my plate.

It was always hard to tell that story, but it felt so much harder that time, as if it was happening all over again. L pinpointed the strongest nerves, and I spilt my heart out to her, more than I have to anyone before. Anyone except-

I burry my face in the pillow and let out a short moan. What is it with her? Why do I act like an idiot, why do I rethink every move I make, why do I feel like everything is on the line and it’s already lost when I see her? Why do I feel better? When I’m with her, part of me is pushed away like the wrong side of a magnet, and the other is pulled towards. It’s like there’s something buried inside her that I can’t see, can’t know, but know I don’t want. And yet everything about her is so… perfect.

The sun is too bright, the air is to warm, there’s no breeze, and my feet ache from the uncomfortable tissues against them, and yet, I can’t imagine a more perfect day. Everyone waves when I walk by, even if they don’t know who I am. And a stranger gave us a ride just because it was on the way. Evey swings between Kai and me, and he smiles and laughs and I laugh too. Every thing in my life is destroyed, and yet, I don’t feel like it has to be any different. In this moment, I am not confused, not afraid, I am content.

“Okay, this is the first store, just grab what you want, but not too much jewelry,” The store is small and cramped, but has a beautiful selection of clothing. Evey walks with me as I look around. I first go to the jeans section and pick out a pair. As soon as I do however, Evey grabs them by the legs and puts them back.

“It’s too hot, you should get these!” She points to a pair of neon pink shorts.

“Maybe not, but these are nice,” I grab a pair of white shorts with square gold spikes on the seam.

“If that’s your thing, how about this?” For a while we go around the store, her picking out colorful sparkly tops, me pretending to like them then putting them back when she isn’t looking. In the end I have two pairs of shorts, one pair of sandals, and three tops.

“Is this everything?” Kai points to my stack, and I nod.

“You can get a dress if you want, I don’t mind paying,”

“That’s all I need, thank you again for buying this for me, I’ll pay you back as soon as I can,”

“How will you do that?” he hands a silver card to the cashier.

“I’ll get a job, pay you back, get an apartment and be out of your hair,” I say, watching carefully for a reaction.

He looks like he heard something, and then realized it wasn’t a joke. “Oh, you’ll be leaving?”

I’m little shocked he hadn’t realized that before. “We’ll eventually, yes. I don’t know who will hire a person who doesn’t exist though,”

“I would,” he takes the shopping bag from the cashier, “Hey, I would. I would hire you,”

“Are you going anywhere with this, Einstein?”

“Well, you want to pay me back, you need somewhere to sleep, you need money, and I’m the only one who would hire you,”

“Thanks for summing that up,” We reenter the crowded sidewalks, my eyes taking a second to adjust to the bright light.

“I mean, what if I hired you, like a maid nanny housekeeper thing?”

“You would do that? For me?” For a second I’m touched, then so happy, then I know it can’t happen. “Kai I-“

“Mom?” A boy, no older than five, stares at me from the corner of the side walk. “Mom!” He runs at me and grabs me around the waist. For a second I just stand numb, as a child wraps his arms around me and calls me his mother, then without thinking, a word slips into my mouth, and tears fill my eyes.

“James,” I crouch down so I’m at eye level with him, and just stare for a second. He looks so familiar, with slight differences. He has a clearer jawline and slightly less chubby cheeks. He is James, and I think he might be my son.

“James, James, where did you- oh I am so sorry!” A girl pries him off of me without even looking at me. “He usually doesn’t run off like that, I hope you- Alex?”

The name sounds familiar, obvious, like a title. My head feeling like it’s being rubbed against a jagged stone.

“Alex, you’re alive,” Her voice didn’t sound like she was excited or in shock, or beyond belief, she just sounded a little confused. She seemed familiar, with long, light brown, wavy hair that looked natural even though it was what every woman wanted to have when they walked out of a salon. She’s familiar, but I can’t clearly see who she is.

“I-I am,” what else was there to say? “And you are?”

“I- wait. You don’t know who I am?” She picks up James and for a second I want her to give me back my son, but it’s not the right time to do that, when that could potentially not be my son at all. “We grew up together, I’m your sister,” her voice was becoming firmer, like I had insulted her. “Basil. We lived together for oh, our entire life! How can you not remember me? Are you joking? Please say you are,”

“I don’t know my own name, Hazel. I wish I were joking. I really do,” the last part was more to myself. Tears pooled my eyes and I had to blink quickly to keep them hidden. For one second, one blessed second, I thought I could have a new life, and forget I ever knew another. But there would always be ghosts of a forgotten past, always.

“Basil. Basil! You really don’t remember anything do you?”

I look down, feeling Kai’s staring at my neck, making my senses spiral. “Nothing,” I whisper. “And- and maybe I’m okay with that,” My voice quivers. “I don’t need to know who I was to know who I am. Maybe I’m fine keeping it that way,” A single tear rolled down her cheek, and for some reason I was pleased. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. I have a feeling I’ll see you again,” Before she can see me cry I turn and push through the crowd, including Kai.

Too much. Too much all at once. A past, a sister, a son. Part of me wanted to leave it a mystery; part of me knew it wasn’t the easy. “L! L! Stop! Please! Stop!” When I reach the edge of the sidewalk I stop. Kai catches up to me, holding Evey in his arms.

“Can we go back? Please?” I don’t look at him. I feel like I’m going to pass out. My brain won’t stop slamming into my skull and I feel like my whole head is throbbing. Maybe this is dream. Maybe I’ll wake up. But where will I wake up? Kai’s house, a piece of driftwood, or somewhere that I don’t even remember? Kai says nothing as he signals a car, gets in, and we drive back to the house. No one speaks, and I don’t know if the silence is any better than talking, because I have time to think. The last thing I want is time to think.

Again and again, I run over the events. Everything was fine, almost perfect, then a child grabs L, and L knows him. Then a girl comes, and says she’s her sister, and L doesn’t know her. Then, instead of wanting to find out what happened to her, she just leaves. Her words still ring in my ears. “ I don’t need to know who I was to know who I am. Maybe I’m okay keeping it that way.” Did she mean she would rather stay here, in her new life, than go back to her old life, and am I part of either? It’s selfish to think, but I wish I knew if she accepted my offer.

The door shuts behind me and our driver goes back. Evey looks desperate to talk, but says nothing, and neither does L. I let Evey walk inside, but stop L before she can. She looks at me as if I just insulted her. “We have to talk about it sooner or later, L,”

“We? I don’t have to talk to you about anything,” The arm blocking her goes limp. There wasn’t a word she could have said that would hurt more, but why? She doesn’t have any reason to talk to me. I don’t have any reason to make her. We might be under the same roof, but we live in different worlds. Yet somehow, I feel like we both want to be in the others.

That night I can’t sleep. It’s not just from the chaos of everything; it’s also from the guilt. I hold the piece of paper with Basil’s number in my hand. Maybe it was out of care, because I knew she would eventually want to learn about her past, but maybe it was an act of betrayal, because she said that she didn’t. Either way, I held the only connection to L’s past in my hand, her only connection to Basil. Her only connection to Alex.

A thin strip of light is accompanied by the squeak of the door. I tuck the paper hastily into my pocket, and look up to see L’s silhouette standing in the doorway. “I wanted to apologize for what I said back there. I didn’t mean it, I was, I am, really scared. It’s scary for someone to say their your sister and for you to not be able to prove them wrong, and the boy,” her voice starts to tremble hazardously. “Kai, I think that boy is my child, and I don’t even remember who the father is. But he remembers me. How do I handle having a child with memories I can’t share?” She starts to cry, and I beckon her to the bed, turning on the bedside lamp.

I don’t have the slightest bit of experience with unknown identities, but I have suffered trying to figure out whether or not to let go. “L, your probably over twenty, which means more than twenty years of information are going to slowly come back to you. Maybe you were married; maybe you do have a sister and a son. You have to decide whether you want to accept that, and go back in half memory to the people who love you, even if you don’t know them, or let them go and start again,”

“If I do have a son, and maybe a husband, and people who miss me, do I really have the choice to leave?” She looks at me and for half a second, I see Alony looking at me, asking me if she was really free to make her own choices and if she could leave her life behind to start again. And I told her yes, because I thought she meant her past life, not her life with me.

But this time I knew exactly what would happen when I gave my answer. “There is always the choice to leave. And if someone tells you there isn’t, then you should leave them. No one can own you, no one can mold you, and no one can make choices for you. But remember that the choices you make, make you who you are,”
She nods without looking at me. “I don’t think I should choose yet. I think I should find out what I’d go back to before I leave what I have behind,” My throat constricts suddenly and I realize she’s talking about me. Not directly, but she said she would wait before she left what she had behind, and what she has is Evey and me. And me.

“I’m going to go back to my room. Kai, thank you, for everything. I might be in the craziest situation I could imagine, but I’m probably the luckiest girl in the planet to have someone like you to help me through it,” She gets up and starts to walk out.

“Wait, L. Basil gave this to me, I don’t know if you want it, but,” I held out the number, half expecting her to lash out at me. She takes the crumpled paper from my hand and unfolds it.

“Thanks Kai, my odds of finding her again were pretty slim. This will probably make it easier,” She gives a forced smile and closes the door, leaving me more confused than I was before.

The door to Kai’s room closes and I almost fall to the floor, all the energy I used to look fine fading, and tears swelled up again. He was right, it was my choice, but then why do I feel like it’s not up to me. I look again at the number, and I feel like I should rip it to shreds. I hate Basil, but I don’t know why. I can’t remember who she is, or why I want to make my fist collide with her throat, but I know it’s not because she stole my ice cream when we were little. She did something, something life terrible, and I want revenge for it.

The address was near the port we came in on, which they would be leaving on tomorrow if I hadn’t shown up. A pang of guilt settles like a stone in my stomach. I corrupted the daily life of the people around me, and through trying to right my world, I tossed theirs upside down. No more running.

The house is relatively large but not large enough to house more than two people. I knock on the door, and step back, not even realizing that I start holding Kai’s hand, but he doesn’t pull away, so neither do I. The door opens and Basil looks out. She is beautiful, but in an artificial way, with skin too clear and features to perfect, it almost took away from her beauty. She was extraordinary, but ordinary.

“So you came, I’m glad you decided to return to your son, who has been waiting for you since you ran away,” She crosses her arms ran away. I start a mental list of clues from my past. “Do come in, I think we have a lot to discuss,”

I release my sweating palm from Kai and follow Basil silently. She directs us to a couch the goes to the kitchen to make tea. “Mom!” James runs in and I consider opening my arms to hug him, but before I can, Basil shouts.

“James, No! Bad, go back to your room,” She acts like he’s a puppy scratching furniture.

James plants his feet dramatically. “No!”

“Now!” He gives me one last look and turns to run back the way he came. My heart feels like it’s too heavy to support. “When you left,” Basil walks back into the room with a tray of teas. “I had to take care of James. I thought Hue would take care of him, but he didn’t want anything to do with the kid, so I’ve tended to him in your absence,” I purse my lips. Who’s Hue?

“How long was my absence?” I say, as she hands me tea. It taste too herbal and too hot, so I use it to warm my hands instead.

“Well, there were different parts to it, I guess. First you left with James, kind of randomly, and you moved here, but six months later Hue found out where you went, and then as soon as you found out he was coming you took a boat ride, and I guess something went wrong with the engines, and it exploded. Couldn’t find your body, so they assumed you burned. And yet, here you are, two weeks later,”
I had decided to take another sip of my coffee and nearly spit it out. “Two weeks? But that’s not possible! I was drifting, how could I survive that long?”
“I have a theory, but its pretty far fetched. I think you somehow knew it would happen and got out before the explosion, then tried to swim away, and somehow got turned around and ended up with a piece of driftwood and maybe had some supplies or something,”
The last few words get hazy and the room seems to sway. Kai says something but everything I muffled. I vaguely feel a burning on my legs, but my vision starts to blacken around the edges, then everything is black.

I’m screaming, swearing at someone, as I operate the control panels. Red warning signals blink in front of me, and an alert siren jabs my eardrums. Basil did this. Basil. Basil. Basil. There’s nothing I can do now but try to escape. I run to the lifeboat. It’s an old ship, so instead of a raft it’s a tiny wooden boat with two paddles. I grab some food and a water tank, and start to smell gasoline. I’m out of time.
I jump in the boat and try to release it from the side of the ship, but the lines are stuck. I swear over and over again. Finally the hook unlocks and I drop into the water.
Even though it’s only a two-foot drop, it hits me hard, and my head smacks against the side of the boat. There’s a second splash after the boat, and I look over the side to see one of my paddles drifting away. I grab at them, but then there’s a deafening noise I know to be the engine, and I use the other paddle to push away from the boat as best I can. Something warm touches my lips, and I realize my nose is bleeding.

I’m barely out of range when the boat catches flame, and is obstructed by yellow and orange flames. If I hadn’t gotten off the boat, I would be caught in that explosion, and ultimately, I’d be dead.

The force of blast makes an enormous wave, and my boat rocks, catching me off guard and letting the ore slip from my hand. Then, with no way of moving, or calling someone, or way of getting back, I’m pushed out to sea, drifting.

“Call an ambulance! Evey, go get a towel! Basil what are you doing? Call the hospital!” Kai is kneeling above me, yelling orders. At first everything looks hazy, like someone poured water on a picture, but when I try to move, every thing spins, making it even harder to see. Still, I have to get up before they call an ambulance.
“Kai, I’m fine, it’s okay,” I try to sit up, but it takes more effort than I’d like. “Really I’m, fffffff! I suck in air through gritted teeth. My legs burn like they’ve been injected with poison.
“L, let me help,” He picks me up with surprising strength and lays me on the couch. “What the hell was that L? I swear, you are quite possibly the best at creating awkward situations,” There’s a hint of humor in his voice, and I start to laugh, but it makes my head dizzy, so I stop abruptly. Evey comes back with the towel, and I’m faintly reminded of when I first saw her, how she looked with indifference yet curiosity.
“You spilt tea on your legs,” Kai says, trying to be nonchalant. He starts dabbing the towel on my legs, stinging every time the towel touches skin. It hurts, but I don’t want him to stop, so I bite my cheek every time he dabs.
“Okay, I’m okay,” I turn so my legs aren’t on the couch. Slightly unsure at first, I stand. Big mistake. My legs feel struck by lightning. “Never mind,” I fall back onto the couch. I hadn’t looked at my legs before. They’re covered with splotches of white-pink all the way down my thighs. Maybe I should hope I’ll be able to walk again, but I honestly just hope they don’t leave scars.
“I got some burn cream. It’s supposed to be for James, but I don’t see what the big difference is,” Basil comes in, occupied with a pink pasty bottle. Rage starts to bubble inside me, and for a second I can’t remember why, but not remembering is the trigger, and I recall my dream. I want to throttle her, to watch her face drain of color, but I wont. I wont stoop to her level.
“It was you,” I say, softly, like realization just struck me.
“What?” Basil stops fiddling with the paste. She knows what I said, and she knows what I mean.
“It was you,” a little louder, a little harder to restrain my anger. “You tried to kill me,” I didn’t realize I was on my feet until pain shot through my legs and up my spine and into my head. “You compromised my engine. You disabled my controls, you tried to kill me!” I’m directly in front of her now, staring into her eyes. I’m so close I wonder if can see the crash replaying behind my eyes. I wonder if it’s replaying behind her eyes too.
“Alex, please, you don’t understand,” She tries to keep her voice soft, unafraid, but she fails.
“Why? What did you have to gain?” Tears blur my vision, but not tears of sadness. Tears of anger. And tears from my legs, which were screaming for rest. Basil looks down, and tears roll off her soft honey cheeks. “Answer me! Basi-“
“Because I was jealous,” she says with a tone of finality. “You had everything. Mom and Dad loved you more, you were good at what ever you tried, and then Hue. He was perfect, He was everything anyone could ask for, and you pushed him away. You ran away! And then, years later, when he finds you, wants to welcome you back with open arms, you come to my door step, and ask for my help. I was blind. I’m sorry,” She didn’t sound sorry, and she didn’t try.
“You loved him, didn’t you? You saw your chance, and you sprung. You didn’t care who got in your way, you didn’t care who you had to kill, even if it was your own sister!”
“It doesn’t matter, though, does it? Hue didn’t see me, and found someone else fast. After I realized what I had done, I couldn’t do it again, so I let him be with her, and instead I was stuck taking care of a son he doesn’t want,”
“Who?”
“Who? James, your son, your-“
“I meant who he married, you idiot,”
“Some girl, I think her name’s Ally,”
My head hurts for a second as I remember her. Something between a laugh and a yell guzzles in my throat. “He didn’t find Ally fast, he already had her! I left because he kept disappearing, then I found out, and I left. He was a cheater, Basil! He didn’t come to welcome me with open arms; he was welcoming me with divorce papers! I never wanted to see him again, and you seemed to give you best go at making sure of it huh?”
“I’m sorry to hear that you don’t want to see him again, because he’s coming here,” She looks down, and I feel like she’s grinning at the ground. It takes so much restraint not to punch her in the neck, I feel like my own might snap.
“There’s no way in the darkest parts of hell that I am seeing that creep again. Thanks for the tea, sis, but I best be going,” The sarcasm was so thick in my voice the words didn’t sound right, but I didn’t care. My eyes were blackening around the rims from the pain in my legs and I couldn’t let her see me cry.

I reach for the handle, but before my hand can touch bronze, it swings open, and a muscular man with greasy hair on both his head and his arms, and dark eyes just as black stands in front of me, and I almost scream.
Hue.

The man- Hue- steps inside, and L just stands there, paralyzed, all the color absent from her skin, and her mouth hanging slightly ajar. He walks in followed by a very short golden-blonde haired girl. It’s my turn to go pale.
She looks at me with her evergreen eyes, and for a second I feel like she might say something, or do something, but she just turns and looks away, tightening her hold on Hue. It’s a small signal, but it’s meaning makes me feel clenched and cold. She’s taken.
Correction: She’s been taken.
“Thank you Basil, I’m glad you called,” Call the Ambulance, what are you doing? Call the hospital! She wasn’t calling the hospital, she was calling Hue.
Hue, and Alony.
I turn to L, to see how she’s reacting. It just dawned on me that we’re in the exact situation; we’re seeing our ex for the first time in years, and they’re with another person. L is staring blankly at the scene unraveling in front of her, but just as I turn back, I see her move something into her pocket from the corner of my eye.
“Of course, thanks. Excuse me,” I turn back to Hue, who has been talking to Basil very nonchalantly. “L, can I have a word with you, privately,” At the last word he casts a sideways glance at me, and I feel like I’d tie him to a pole to keep him away from L.
Despite my hopes, she nods and quietly walks into the other room, him in pursuit.
“I’m gonna check on James,” Basil says from somewhere out of view. By the time I look around, she’s already slithered out of the room. My throat constricts. For the first time in two years, I’m alone with Alony.
She seems to realize it too, and she fiddles with her fingers. What am I supposed to say? Thankfully I didn’t have to know. She talks first.
“How’s Evey?” For a second, I’m a little annoyed. What about me? Does she care how I’ve been? Then again, do I really want her to know the answer? “She’s in the other room, with James,” She looks hopefully at the hallway that leads to the door. “She’s a little shaken up, you probably shouldn’t see her right now,” lie. She isn’t shaken up, I just don’t want Alony to come and tear open the wound that healed when she left the first time.
“Oh,” she looks away. I want to feel bad for her, to welcome her back into my arms if she wants, but I can’t. All this time I’ve missed her, but now I realize she can’t come back. She left, and she took a one-way trip.
I can’t hold it back anymore. I have to ask or I might lose my mind. “Why did you leave? I thought we were okay, I thought we were happy,”
“We were. I was. It’s just, I was scared. Scared of us; scared of me. It was all so perfect, but it seemed so fragile. Like a pyramid, you know? I felt like I would do something wrong, and ruin everything, and I couldn’t see Evey unhappy, I couldn’t see you unhappy. It was all too much. All too fragile. So I left,” One tear leaks from her eye, her beautiful, captivating eyes.
“Didn’t you realize that leaving was the fastest way to make things fall apart? The fastest way to make me fall apart?” Now I’m crying too. Hot burning tears that leave tracks on my cheeks.
“I’m sorry. I was scarred, I was afraid, I was-“
“I was too. I watched Evey grow up mortified that I wouldn’t be a good father. Mortified that I wouldn’t be able to take care of the most important thing in my life, but I never thought that I would, that she would, have to face it alone,”
“I said I’m sorry. What more can I say?” She looks at me, and I see everything that she felt, that she feels, all of the emotions stirred and scrambled inside her, and I understand. But I don’t think I’ll ever forgive.
“There’s nothing left to say,” It’s a whisper, but it’s meaning is so powerful, so real, to both her and me, my lungs and throat burn like I was screaming.
“Kai, I-“
Just then L burst into the room, and Alony’s words are lost in the chaos. L is holding a phone and Hue is screaming at her. “Ally, Alony! Listen!” She holds out the box, but Hue grabs her by the hem of her shirt, and holds her back. The phone drops to the floor, and Alony picks it up. L struggles against Hue’s grip, but he doubles her in size and strength, and she barely makes him flinch.
“Ally, sweetie, don’t play that tape, please, for me,”
“Alony, you need the truth. Play the tape, for you,”
She looks at them, frozen, then stares at the phone. For what feels like minutes she stares at the phone, trying to decide. Then she closes her eyes. And clicks. A tape starts playing.

I struggle against Hue’s grip, but it doesn’t matter now. Now they’ll know, and he can’t stop them from hearing. For a second I congratulate myself on my smart thinking. I knew he’d pull something like this, but he would never guess that I would be able to counter. Because Alex would obey.
But I’m not Alex.
I’m L.
The audio is crunchy from shifting in the pocket of my pants, but it’s still audible, and Ally- Alony- listens closely. The room is silent in listening to the recording.
“I’m glad you’re alright,”
“No, you aren’t. You just want to make sure I stay out of your way,”
“Actually no. After you left, and I remarried Ally, who’s a wonderful girl, really, I realized that I had lost something,”
“Please most people start to miss something after two days, not two years,”
“Alex, listen. I didn’t know what I had ‘till it was gone, and now, I want it back. When you ‘died’ I realized what we had was special,”
“If what we had was so special, then why’d you need another ‘special’ girl?”
“Well, to be honest, what me and Ally had kind of died after the first year,”
Alony makes a little noise with her throat.
“I was wondering if you wanted to come back, and we could start fresh,”
If I close my eyes, I can see how he looked as he made the proposal, as if I would come crawling back the second he made the offer.
“What about Ally?”
“Oh, she’ll be alright, probably. She’ll find another guy easy. So what do you say?”
“I say, that you’re a twisted jerk with eyes for nothing but blonde hair and fair skin. You don’t care about other people; you care about having enough arm candy to be noticed. You are cruel, and demented and no woman should ever be forced to know you,”
“You better take that back Alex. I can walk out with Ally by my side and pretend this talk never happened. No one will take some mentally unstable girls word for it anyway,”
“You better not underestimate me, I have all the proof I need right here,” There’s a crinkling noise as I take the phone from my pocket. Hue’s arms loosen unintentionally and I escape his grasp. He doesn’t even try to get me back.
The recording ends, but the silence draws on. After what feels like an hour, Alony finally speaks. “What we had kind of died after the first year? I can’t believe you! I understood when you told me I was meeting an ex that you never told me about, but I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were with her while you were seeing me!” She points a finger at me, and I have to restrain my smile. I love watching him weak. It’s terrible, but I feel like this is exactly what he deserves.
“You don’t deserve someone like me, you don’t deserve someone like her, you don’t deserve anyone, and no one deserves you!” She starts to walk toward him, making him back up. “I never want to see you again. Never come back here, or anywhere near. I hope you’re happy. You tried to have two, and now you have no one,” He slams into the door, but she keeps pushing forward. “If I see your slimy face again, I swear to god I’ll knock you to the ground. Now get out, and don’t come back,”
He opens the door. “You might think I’m going to be worked up over this, like I’ve learned some lesson. But all this means is my schedules all freed up. See you in hell ladies,” He says smugly, but I can tell that he feels alone and rejected. And he should. The door slams and a weight I hadn’t realized had been there empties from my body. Finally, I feel like there are no loose ends, no knots in the strings. Finally, I’m untied from my old life. Finally, I’m free.

Alony turns to me, most of the intensity in her face gone. “You know, if you would let me back, I’ve missed you too. Maybe we could try again, if you still want me,”
“You know, if you had asked me that a week ago, I would have picked you up and spun you around until the floor fell out from beneath me,”
“But now?”
I look toward L, who’s walking down the hall to get James and Evey. When I turn back, Alony is looking at her too. She looks back at me, almost smiling, but a painful smile.
“Got it,” She says, and she looks away. “We’ll, she’s lucky, then. I hope I’ll see you again, Kaito. I really do,”
She opens the door and stops in its frame. All I can think to say is,” Ya, maybe we will,”
She smiles again, less painful this time. “Good bye Kai. I guess I never got a chance to say that right the first time,” And she closes the door. Once again, she’s gone, but this time, I’m okay with that.
L walks in, Evey in one hand, James clinging tightly to the other. She has a wicked look in her eye, and I realize, right there, with no warning, that I love her. Something in her expression changes, and I almost think that she thought it too. “Okay guys, go get in the car,” Evey leaves first, James taking a second, then she stands with me.
“Should I start calling you Alex now?” I say teasingly.
She smiles. “Never,” And without warning, she grabs my hand. Maybe I’m about to do the dumbest thing I will ever do, maybe it will ruin everything, but then again. Maybe it won’t.
I stop mid-step kiss her. It’s the scariest and greatest moment of my life. It’s as if the world stopped spinning and yet everything is spinning faster and faster.
But then it stops. She pushes away, she looks stunned. For a second I feel like everything is over. Then she smiles and kisses me back. I was wrong. This is the greatest moment of my life.
After a long minute she draws back. “Everything is going to change now, isn’t it?”
“Because you have a lot that can change?”
“At least one thing will never be different,”
“What’s that?”
“You’ll always have a comment for everything,”
Then we kiss again, softly this time, and I feel like I’m floating. like we’re adrift.