scripturient | Teen Ink

scripturient

January 22, 2017
By DestinyC07 BRONZE, San Jose, California
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DestinyC07 BRONZE, San Jose, California
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I like to think that everyone has one, a woebegone phantom. Part of me likes to believe that not everyone has one, that they have a unbelievable amount of luck. What I can tell you is that they never truly go away, in the depths of your soul they will rest for all eternity. They may seem as if they are completely gone but they are just waiting to be revived. If you are lucky they will disappear and never return. Hopefully, one day my ghost and I will grow up and depart from one another. Whenever she leaves me I always wish her the best because I always hope that she never returns. She haunts me, but even she desires to leave me. She wants the best for me as I want the best for her, but right now just is not the right time for us to say goodbye. I do not know when or if she will ever bid farewell, but maybe, just maybe one day she will go away.

As of right now she lurks in my shadow; impassively. As much as she wants to leave me so I can move forward in my life she understands that I am not ready just yet, so she waits calmly and supports my decision to have her stay. Letting her go makes me feel as if I am losing a close friend; lugubrious. She is always their for me whenever I need her. I know that it may seem kind of delirious of me to speak of my ghost in this way, but in a weird way she keeps me from losing my sanity. I understand that her presence reminds me of everything that could have been and never was, however her presence also reminds me that it is okay to feel hurt or afraid because everyone feels this way. She reminds me that I am not the only one who feels this way. I always have to fight the feeling of loneliness but whenever she is present I never have to worry about it, I am never lonely, afraid, or anxious; just tranquil. It saddens me that she only lingers here because I am unwilling to let go and move forward, but I hope she understands that I am trying. I hope that when she leaves me she will move on to following her heart and doing what she desires. I hope she understands that she has a lot of potential and she never lets it go to waste. I always wondered why she never just left, but then I began to realize it was because as much as I needed her, she needed me. Together we were one. Together we are a lost soul trying to escape one another, however we cannot escape what was destined to be.

She was loved and she knew it, however way deep down in the depths of her heart there was a emptiness. She did not know who or what it was that was missing, but she felt in her heart a absence. The empty seat was always there but she did not acknowledge it at first. I think she ignored it; negligent was not her intention, rather she just accepted the love she received from the people she had a bond with. It was not that she despised the person, she was just naive of their absence. It did not become known to her until she started school. Even then she never acknowledged it because deep down I don't think she really cared. She even met the person that was causing the emptiness, but even then I don't think she cared. The reason she started to be bothered by the absence was because of the two incidents, the death of her grandma and the arrival of her step sister.

Heartbroken, shattered, miserable, and inconsolable is how I would describe her after her grandma died. Her grandma was her world, and her death left her numb and angry. To this day she has never spoken about it, she just writes. I think she writes about it because their is no one she can talk to. She is alone, not physically, but mentally. Her grandma held her hand when she faced the world, but now she must walk the world alone. She always knew that the day would come when she would not have her around anymore, but she never expected it to be so soon. She did not understand at the time what it meant for her until she spent a whole week alone thinking. She sat in her room and did two things; cried and thought. To be fair, there was not much she could do. She felt helpless in the beginning, but after that week in her room alone everything changed. She not only knew she had changed but she understood, accepted and felt it deep in her heart. She knew that she was becoming mentally and emotionally stronger; independent was what she was becoming. However there was an even bigger empty seat and it could not be ignored anymore.

The seat she reserved for her father was the one she always pushed aside and avoided.It was not until her grandma died that his absence became apparent. I think it was because after the death her mom and aunt were the only one there to comfort her. It hurt her because he had another daughter he gave his everything to, and her being the daughter he abandoned felt like nothing but his shadow. He put an enormous amount of effort into his new daughter's relationship, but left her, the first daughter like she was nothing but a penny dropped on the ground. She never cared about the gifts or places they went, she just wanted his attention, and hopefully love. Even to this day she still struggles with it, but avoids telling him how she feels because she does not want to hurt anyones feeling and just wants to avoid any arguments. I do not know why he avoids her, maybe she reminds him of his past or maybe he is happy with his new family without her. He knew nothing about her so it would not be hard for him to forget her. He did not know any of her interests, hobbies, favorite food or even her favorite color. To be fair she knew nothing about him either. She avoided getting to know him on a more deeper level because she was afraid of being let down or disappointed. She always questions whether or not she is just his charity case, and no child should ever have to feel that way. She knew that she would always have issues with her father, you cannot just erase the 17 years of his absence, and you cannot erase 17 years of pain.

She understands that she must face the world alone. Yes, she does have people who love her to help her, however they do not see the world the same way as her. She would rather face the world all alone then look at the world through someone else's eyes.She has come to understand that she can never bring her grandma back. She has come to realize that her and her father will never have a father-daughter relationship, rather a acquaintanceship. More importantly, she has come to an understanding that the emptiness has and always will follow her for the rest of her life, and knowing that saddens her, but she accepts it.

He lost control; spiraled downward. That caused him to lose himself. No one knew what caused him to be that way and to be quite honest I am not sure if he knew why himself or rather he just refused to accept the reason why. Yes, he did suffer through some traumatic events, but he always moved forward and never looked back. Thinking about it maybe that is why. Maybe he became tired of never looking back; emotionless was how everyone described him, however he felt everything. He felt every emotion possible, but he never showed it because he thought people would consider him weak. So instead he hid every feeling he had inside and left everything behind. He was in pain and no one knew it except for him. Everyday he put up a facade and everyone fell for it each day. He lost himself in his pain, and his desire to feel. Drugs was his solution to feeling, but I am not sure if he did it to feel or to be numb. He has told people he did it so he could be numb. He told other people he did it to feel. He had a family who loved him and would do anything to help him, but no one could help him, because he did not want help.He had two children he left behind to be raised by their grandma, and when she died they were separated. He did not even show up to his own mother's funeral. The one time his kids needed him the most he was not there.

Every time he would decide to show up, which was about once every year or two everyone always looked at him and wondered how someone so intelligent with a medical degree could just throw their future away. Sadly, he had demons that no one knew about, and there was no escaping them. Everyone sat and watched him suffer, everyone watched his kids grow up without him, yet there was nothing anyone could do. No one knew where he was; ghost is what everyone called him. The more he was gone the more his children began to erase him from their life. The young boy knew nothing about him so it was not hard to forget about him. They daughter was use to him coming and going. His daughter would cry for him to stay when she was a child, now as a teenager she could care less about his broken promises and lies. If you were to look in her eyes when someone mentioned him you would see pain, but in her voice you would hear apathy. She did not want to talk about him because it still pained her, however she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. She knew that the only person who truly loved her was her grandma, and her grandma was the only person she ever loved as a mother and father. Because of his absence his daughter grew up with not only with a brother and a grandma but a cousin who she would consider a sister. She grew up with a cousin who she would have by her side for the rest of her life. After her grandma died she still had someone to help guide her.

However, the he still had no one to guide him and watch over him. Everyday for the past 17 years they have spent days worrying about him. They were terrified for the day that the police would come and they had to identify the body. They were scared of him ending up dead, but they knew his lifestyle would get him there at some point. The only time people know that he is okay is when he calls or writes from jail. He is always coming and going from jail, it is the only time he wants anything to do with his family. At this point in his life he had turned into a monster and it was gonna be hard to turn back.

She was from an asylum; abandoned by her family. Simple because she was different they wanted nothing to do with her. She saw things that no one else could see, those were her friends. From far observations people thought she seemed "normal", whatever that is; psychotic was a more appropriate word to describe her. I understand that seeing things does not make her psychotic, just different, but what made her demented was not just her capability to see the paranormal, but the things she refused to speak about. Her secrets were her thoughts; sadistic. If you were to read her mind you would never look at her the same way ever again. It was one reason why she stayed so quiet, because in her mind she was thinking of inhuman acts to do to you. Yet she was harmless.

She always kept to herself; silent, but observed everything, even when people thought she wasn't paying attention. You see, she could never hurt anyone, yet her mind was way more sinful than her actions. On the inside she was mad, but on the outside she was put together. She often fought with herself to stay that way. She had something inside of her, a mephistopheles, and they were eager to come out. They were ready to make themselves known, but her seraph kept them from being released. However, just because she kept them from coming out did not mean they could be contained forever. She sat in the corner and often wondered when that day would come and what would happen. In all honesty, she had every right to fear that day, because it was something not even she could predict. That day was gruesome, morbid and more rabid than you could imagine possible. Since she knew it was going to happen she counted down the days, minutes, hours, and seconds. It terrified her, because even though she thought about it she never wanted to harm anyone. So, she just stayed in her room for weeks and never left her bed. A year later, that day came and after that she was nowhere to be found...

The scene was so ghastly that everyone who was investigating the crime would regurgitate when they saw the pictures of the crime scene. It was one of those things that you can never unsee and because of that it haunts you. What everyone failed to discover quickly was who had done it, who could do something so repulsive. Once the bodies were more assembled they figured out from the list of people who stayed at the asylum who everyone was. However, there was only one name there that did not have a body... it was hers. Months went by and still nobody knew who done it or where she had went. They had thought she had been kidnapped by the person who committed the crime. However, they were wrong, and no one knew it except for her and the video. You're probably wondering where the video is; gone. Gone where? Nobody knows, not even me. If there was one thing she was good at it was keeping secrets. When she hid something it stayed hidden. So I was not surprised when a year went by and they still had nothing. She was gone and she was not coming back. Once she had done what she'd done there was no turning back for her, even if she felt regretful. In all honesty she felt no remorse, but that is what happens when you let the angel of darkness win.

You are all probably wondering where she has went, but I am just as clueless as everyone else. She has never told me where she went, however she has told me about what she has been doing. When she left she had gone into hiding for a few months. She then moved and is now living with a family who had seen her walking around at night and had stopped to help her. She goes to highschool and is finally living a life as a "normal" teen. I on the other hand believe that she has something else on her mind. She may think she has me fooled by her letters, but I already knew she had lost to the evil spirit along time ago. She smiles at everyone in her new life and they think she is being sweet, but her smile was not sweet it was wicked. They thought it was kindness in her eyes, however that isn't kindness in her eyes it was evil. After she left I had entered the asylum and discovered her journal. A book filled with wicked entries and I found that a few pages were missing. I can't tell you what she is up to, however what I can tell you is that it is something big and a 100 times worse than the last incident.

She was filled with poison that was killing her at a leisurely pace; she hid it behind her pulchritude; her rage is what kept her going, it was all she had left. Her sins were demolishing her intensely. She knew she was moribund, so she decided to use whatever strength she had left to take vengeance on everyone she could that she had thought had done wrong by her. By the timed she had finally passed she had gotten to almost every single person she wanted, but she soon realised that her wrath would come with consequences and her beauty would not buy her way into Arcadia. She was doomed; she was to scorch in Purgatory for eternity, but she suggested something that would get rid of her the poison in her veins once and for all. She had come to terms with her fate, but she wanted to mend every person that she wounded emotionally and mentally.

Her adventure to heal everyone she hurt took numerous decades. She had not realised that she had hurt so many until the ame damnee gave her a lengthy list of every person she damaged. It was not until that moment that she began to wonder why she was such a horrendous person. After she finished mending everyone she went on another journey to find out why she did the things she did. She went back to the past but could not find anything. She could not find anyone that legitimately maligned her. Again she went back to the past in hopes of finding something new; she did that for what seemed like a century. She was narcoleptic and wanted to just abandon her mission, but she decided to go back just one more time. This time she did not look at the people surrounding her, she focused on herself. It was fear which caused her to be spiteful, it was the fear of being herself. She was terrified to be herself because she had thought that no one would accept her. Because she could not accept herself she became bitter, she took her anger out on everyone around her. She used to beauty to get her way and her rage to destroy people, and she began to enjoy it. She enjoyed it because in those moments she finally had control.

After her soul searching she went back to Purgatory and accepted her fate. It is there where she remains for all eternity. It was there where she discovered herself. She realised that she could never undo the awful things she did , but she did her best to make up for it. She knew that for the rest of her life she would burn in the pits of hell, but she understood that it was the price of being blessed with beauty and rage.

"You were red and you liked me because I was blue, You touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky, then you decided purple just wasn't good enough for you."

He liked her because she was different, she was as pure as a river; she was searching for something that she couldn't reach. He was as violent as a hurricane; he had done some things that he couldn't speak of; he wanted to wash everything away, but no matter how hard he tried his actions were inescapable. Their mindsets were in different places, they were both wanting and searching for something more. They both had though that each other was what they were looking for, but no one could foreshadow what was gonna happen next. They thought that the timing was right for them, but in reality nothing was. They were destined to be doomed and that was inevitable.

He was red; he was build up of wrath, rage, and anger. She was blue; she was melancholy, serene, and artless. As cliche as it may sound it was as if he was her devil and she was his angel. They were both in search for something, I think it was liveliness she was looking for, and he was in search for balance. He made her feel so alive, full of adventure, and spontaneity. On the other hand, she made him feel calm, at peace, and passionate. It was something that they were both longing for, but yet deep down he still conflicted. Deep down he longed for so much more, but even he didn't know what it was he was missing. He was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, as much as he loved being balanced, he could not escape his demons. He was use to things being chaotic and being destructive; he could not help destroying what he tried so hard to build. In about 5 seconds he not only destroyed himself, but in the process also managed to destroy her. Deep down he hated himself for it, but even he knew it was for the best. In his heart he still wanted her, but in his head he knew it was not the right time. He felt that the best way to make her hate him was to tear her to pieces and leave her on the ground like a penny that everyone is kicking, not caring about.

In the end he moved on to someone who was as unstable as him. As for her, she waited for him. She thought she could change him, but she failed to realise three things. 1) You cannot change someone. 2) The devil isn't some red guy with horns and a tail, the devil can be beautiful. 3) Never play with the devil, he always cheats. However, she also failed to realise that every time he "bumped" into her on the street wasn't just some accident, he continued to look after her. Deep down he still loved her and wanted what was best for her. However, how he ended things made her think that she just wasn't good enough for him. In reality she was the best thing to ever happen to him, he was just waiting to gain control of himself and his life to come back to her.

Arlo did not have many friends, to be quite honest I am not sure she actually had any. People like to make jokes about her being lonely and they always tell her to make some friends, however she was not sure if she really want to. In a way she did want some friends, maybe even just one, but then she thought about her now and she was actually content with her life and the lack of social life she had. In elementary and middle school she had a plethora amount of friends, but as she entered into high school she decided to focus more on herself and her family. She spent most of her time alone and sometimes she would be incredibly lonely that she would talk to herself. It was not in a weird way, she would just get bored and have a conversation with herself. Arlo was a very rare human being, however not many people would know that since she rarely talked. She was a person that was difficult to describe because she was complicated. From just looking at her you would assume she was a happy girl, but there was so much more to her than her look gave away.

There were times when she felt as bright as the sun, and other days she felt as dark as the sea floor. I think that is how I would describe her, like the sea. When you look at the sea you see nothing but water, however when you look deep enough you find way more than you expected. You see different fish, whales, turtle, crabs, all kinds of species, but you have to go deep enough to see them, and you have to look deep enough to understand. Every day Arlo would walk in the abandoned field with her shadow she called Firelight. They would just sit in the field and talk, or they would run wild. Arlo named her Firelight because even though Firelight is just a shadow, Arlo wanted her to understand that she was more, she was an individual. She wanted to treat Firelight the way that not many people treat her. She understood what it was like to be alone and for no one to acknowledge her, so she decided to become friends with her own shadow. Everyday she would talk to her, and for once someone was finally listening to her. Arlo finally had someone to talk to, and Firelight finally had someone acknowledge her, but in a different way. Firelight was not actually her shadow, she was a lonely ghost who just so happened to find a lonely girl.

It has a variety of names, but most people name it after themselves. The only way to see it is by looking deep into your reflection. So deep that you are not even looking at your appearance anymore. You have to dive deep into your soul to find it, because that is where it lives. For some of us we do not have to dig so deep, we have already became them; ruthless. They are the ones we need to fear. They are the ones who cause the deepest despair, the strongest rage, and most repugnance. They make us doubt one another, they make us hesitant on who we trust, because on the outside they look just like us, but inside of them there is nothing but evil. It feeds off of our envy, gluttony, greed, lust, pride, sloth, and wrath. Building its strength to take over our mind, body, and soul. For some of us it is easy to control, for some we struggle to battle it, and for others they have already let it take over them. The only way to see it is by looking in the mirror. The only person who can stop it is you... because it is you. Humans, we are the monsters. One day we will stop looking for monsters underneath our beds, and realize they are inside of us.



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