Not myself | Teen Ink

Not myself

January 14, 2014
By Tunafish55, Arlington, Virginia
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Tunafish55, Arlington, Virginia
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She sat two seats in front of me, her back towards me, her hair almost waist level. I knew what was going on in the class but I didn’t take notes, giving up half my attention to see her. She was about a foot shorter than me, beautiful. Her name was Katie Smith, she’s been in my science class for three years in a row now and we were only kind of friends. Every single day I wish that we were more than that though, wishing that she would stop to talk with me and then we wouldn’t stop.

We do speak on occasion, earlier in the year I sat next to her for a little while. We joked around a little, not as much as I wished though. One thing I did not want to do was push it and lose any chances at her. The bell rung and I waited for my friend to pack his bags before we left the school together. “Yo, you gonna get on today? I wanna play some ranked.”

“I got golf, but after that I’ll get on. We’re getting to silver today." He said.

Silver was the second best rank which he and I thought we would make it there every single day, but never did. I walked home alone, plugging headphones into my ears and blasting music out of them.

My mind wandered off, thinking about my day just like I did when I lay in bed at night. Of course my mind ran back to a picture of Katie Smith, just her looking beautiful as alway. She’s one of those people who you have to say their full name for some reason. Some people think I’m weird when I say ‘what’s up Katie Smith.' I don’t, I find it to be her name, just like Greg is named Greg or Tim is named Tim, Katie Smith is named Katie Smith.

Katie Smith, the most wonderful girl in the history of science. She captures my thoughts as I walk along, maybe I'm weird for liking a girl this much whom I rarely speak with. She’s amazing anyways.

Katie Smith is, is, is, in my mirror? I fell backwards. She fell backwards, my back hit the wall of the bathroom, so did hers. I yelped, her voice replaced mine.

“Katie? Is everything alright up there?” A woman’s voice called. “What happened?”

I didn’t say anything, just looked in the mirror again, Katie Smith bit her cheek just like I did, was doing, thought I was doing, when I was nervous.

I moved my arm, so did she. I jumped, she followed me up and down simultaneously. I smacked myself in the head, she did the same. I didn’t even know what to think, then I felt something buzz on my thigh.

I clicked to answer, holding the phone up to my ear, my sweaty hands trying to get a good grip. Eventually I gave up and pressed speaker, grasping the cell with both hands.

“Hello?” A guys voice said, my voice, my old voice, Steve’s voice, I don’t even know what to call it.

“Hello?” I responded tentatively, realizing that I, my body, whatever I should call it, was probably thinking the same thing as I was.

“Who are you?” The other person said.

“Katie Smith.” I responded, forgetting that I was talking to my body, who probably knew the answer to the question already.

“Yeah, I’m Steven Parker, who are you?”

“Steven Parker.” I responded. This was the most confusing thing that I had ever been through.

“Katie Smith.” My voice responded with someone else's mind
“Great, now that we have that settled.” I tried to keep my voice down so that whoever was downstairs couldn’t hear. “What the hell is going on right now?” I snapped in a harsh whisper, it sounded good coming out of Katie Smith’s voice, better than how I would have said it in my old voice.

“I don’t know. You want to meet up?”

“You have soccer practice.” I said, kind of sarcastically and I also kind of didn’t want my brother to get mad at me for ditching.

“And you have basketball, does it look like I care right now about your life?”

“I’ll go to basketball practice.”

“YOU CAN AFFORD TO SKIP GODDAMNIT JUST COME OVER AND MEET ME AT DON PEPE’S.” My voice at me over the phone.

I was a little taken aback, it was a weird experience to have yourself yell at you. “Is Don Pepe’s a very appropriate place for this?” I asked.

“I don’t want to walk all the way over to my house, I’m guessing you don’t want to walk all the way over to yours. Get my mom to give you a ride, she’s always open.

“Be there in twenty.” I said, hanging up the phone. I walked out of the bathroom and into a hallway, leading to a staircase on one end and a bedroom on the other. I walked down the staircase. “Hey Mom?” I called, waiting for her response. “Can you give me a ride to Don Pepe’s?”

“Yeah sure honey, just give me a second.” No questions, my parents would have asked me questions, this is nice.

I walked back upstairs while I waited, looking around at the house. There were two rooms that looked like they both inhabited girls so I couldn’t go into either one, didn’t want to risk anything.

“Let’s go honey.”

“Okay Mom, be down in a second.” Then I saw it, the computer sitting in the room. It was an Alienware, one of the best computer companies by my opinion. I prayed to god that this would be mine.

I ran out the door, Katie Smith’s mother driving me to Don Pepe’s. I saw myself sitting at a table, already having ordered. When She, he, I don’t even know yet, looked at me, she frowned.

“Get over here and sit down.” She snapped quietly.

I did.

Katie Smith, Steve, I’ll call him, her, Katie Smith. I’m still not sure what pronoun to use for it’s name, it will probably do for the time being.

Katie Smith reached it’s hands under the table and pulled on my skirt, if you’re going to be a woman learn to wear a skirt, that’s shorter than a damn belt.

“Oh.” I frowned, not having noticed anything before.

“God you’re stupid.” It was irritable today, I’m not surprised, personally I don’t know how I’m so calm.

I’ll start calling it a he, he is in a guy’s body so I guess Katie Smith is now a guy, now I feel gay, does this make me gay?

I shivered, “it’s cold in here.”

“Probably because you’re wearing a skirt for some reason.” Katie Smith snapped.

“I haven’t even changed clothes, you were the one who wanted to wear this skirt.”

“Not important right now.” He snapped. “Can I tell you what I’m thinking right now?”

“Did I ever tell you not to?”

“You’re a guy.”

“Do I look like a guy?”

“Shut up you know what I mean.” Katie Smith was getting a little bit irritable.

“If I’m in your body does that mean that I’m going to have your anger issues?”

“Shut up Steven!”

A couple nearby looked at us weirdly. I heard the girl say, “her name is Steven?”

Katie Smith groaned, “you’re making me look bad Steven, can we just go over to your house?”

“You’re house or my house?”

“You’re house, my house, I don’t even know what to call it. The house of Steven Parker. This is making my head hurt.” He said.

“My parents are going to be a little bit weird about you having a girl over, can we go to Katie Smith’s house?”

“My parents won’t bode well to that. How bad can it be anyways?” Katie Smith said. A few minutes later she was walking through my front door. “Hi Mom!”

“Hi Steven.” My mom, her mom, my real mom, her biological mom, said. “How was your day?” She paused, my mom, I’m not giving her up this fast. “Who is this?”

“This is Katie, Mom.” She’s my friend.

“Hi Katie.” My mom said to me.
“Hi, Mrs. Parker.” I said.
“Um Steven can I actually talk to you for a second? The um, you need to sign a slip for soccer, it’ll only take a second Katie.”
In the two minutes while I waited I opened the fridge, taking out a soda and popping the cap open. I took two sips before Katie Smith came back downstairs, looking seriously embarrassed and walking over to me. “Where do you usually hang out here?”
“In my basement.” I said. “It’s probably the only place where we can be alone.”
I led him down the stairs and lightly kicked a soccer ball at the bottom. I hit it up in the air three times before letting it fall back to the ground, rolling into the middle of the room.
I sat down on the long couch in front of my television but he remained standing.
“Your fingernails are long.” I said, trying to spin a frisbee on my right index finger.
“If you screw with my body in any way I will slit your throat.” She snapped.
“How do you play basketball without these breaking?”
“The bench.” She said, “it’s usually pretty easy to do my nails during a game.”

“You’re not going to be there for long.”

“If I go back into my own body and I am starting line I will kill you. I only do basketball because of my dad I do not want to actually play. Got it?”

I held my hands up in defense, almost laughing. “Why didn’t you just do bad at tryouts?”

“You know what Steve, this isn’t important right now.” She didn’t sound angry, just tired, worn out.

“Can I please cut your fingernails for you?” I asked, trying to pick up a gaming controlling but barely able to press the on button.

“I seriously want to hit you right now.”

“But that would be abusive.”

He shoved me, hard, knocking me off the couch and tugging my console onto the floor.

Katie Smith was not happy with me, not at all happy with me.

“Hey, guess what.” I said, smiling as sweetly as I could. “I can leave, and you can’t do anything about it. So have fun figuring this out on your own.

“I can ruin your life.” Katie said, thinking she had just won. “I can do whatever I want in this body and then I’ll come back into my own body and you’ll be lying in a jail cell for the rest of your life.”

“Is it still my life though?”

“Because through my eyes all I see is a little prick who can’t get what he wants so he smashes his own gaming console.”

“You should be a poet.” He hisses.

“I don’t know where you’re getting this stuff from, but I’m going to go cut my finger nails, and carry my basketball team through a couple games.” I emphasised the word my every time in that statement. “You know what I’m going to do after that?”

Katie Smith just looked at me, waiting.

“I’m going to play soccer in the spring and carry your team through that. I’m going to cut my hair and make friends with my friends because half of your friends are annoying as hell. So have fun in case you ever come back into my body because it ain’t going to be to your liking, but it sure as hell will be to mine.”

“Like you don’t want to be friends with my friends.” Katie Smith said, laughing before I was out of eyesight.

“I’m going to go shoot, you want to come?” I called down the stairs.

“Not at all.” He responded.

“C’mon, you’re a guy, how can you not love basketball?” I picked up a basketball from next to the door and left, walking down to the closest court.

“Time to make some changes.” I muttered, fumbling around in her purse and looking for what there was. I picked up a small pair of fingernail clippers. “Gotta love Katie Smith's notion to be prepared for a guy to enter her.” I muttered again.

By the time I was at the court my fingers were set to my liking.

“Oh damn this girl can shoot.” Some tall guy shouted, leaning back. “She pretty too, ain’t she.”

Braided, of course Braided was here. One of Katie Smith’s best friends.

“Kate what the hell are you doing on a basketball court, you supposed to be sitting on the bench.”

“Braid what the hell are you doing on a basketball court.”

“Katie is picking up some sass. Kate what’s up with yo attitude?”

I lifted the ball and shot a three pointer. “I’m practicing yours.”

“What?” He said, not mad or laughing.

“Never mind.” I said. “Guess I just ain’t got your prowess yet do I?”

“You just gotta practice, now let me show you how to shoot a basket for real.”

I pulled out my phone and texted Katie Smith. “How the hell are you friends with Braided, hes an idiot.”

A minute later. “Don’t you dare piss him off.” That could mean multiple things but I shrugged.

“You want to go one on one? I got all day and nothing to do.” I asked, watching as the ball slammed against the backboard and fell off. My face muscles attempted to mimic Katie Smith’s ‘you’re stupid’ face. I don’t know how well I pulled it off.

“Nah, I gotta go, you gonna need to gonna need to practice a lot more to get a single shot off me.”

My face remained impassive as he jumped into his car and drove off.

When I play basketball in general I go for layups and dunks, Katie Smith is way too small to do either so I would just start practicing three pointers, a lot.

I practiced until I heard the phone ringing in the purse nearby. I picked it up and pressed answer.

“Katie!” A woman’s voice screeched through the phone. It took me a couple of seconds to realize that this was my new mother. “I’ve called ten times, where have you been?”

“Sorry, I was practicing.” I said, nervous about what she would respond with.

“Practicing what?”
“Basketball.”
I heard her take deep breaths on the line. “Okay, I want you to come home, would you like me to pick you up?”

“No thanks, I’ll run. I’m going to try to get on the court for the next game so I got to work at it a little.” When I hung up the phone I smiled, Katie Smith might think that we would return to our bodies, but I doubt it. If we do return then she’s going to have a lot more expected of her than normal.



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