True intent (Rough Draft)
Author's note: My Novel is not yet completed and is only a rough draft so you could expect typos and transition... Show full author's note »
I'm not just anyoneI hate winter.
It’s as simple as that. The snow was emotionless, soundless. Depressing. I know I’m not the most exciting person in the world. But I’m not depressed. You might have gotten that impression I’m sure. Well change your view. I don’t need a friend to be happy. I don’t need companionship. Just independence. I was perfectly fine on my own. Josh didn’t think that. I had not spoken to him since I kicked him out of my car.
“He’s not right.” I said out loud to myself. “I’m not lonely.”
This did not work; my conscience was fighting me once again. Yes you are! It screamed at me. Wake up idiot! You’re in denial. I continued to fight back. What does he know! He doesn’t know me. Anyways, who does he think he is? I’m not going to let some absolute stranger walk in out of nowhere and change my paradigm. I wasn’t aware that he was a stranger. It said. “Stop it! Just stop!” I screamed out loud. I was steaming with rage.
There was a sudden knock on the door. “Marsiella?” It was my mom.
“What?” I asked irritated by her sudden interruption of my personal battle.
“Are you ok? I heard you yelling. I thought I might just check to see if you were ok.”
“I was just watching a YouTube video.” I did not want her pity. I didn’t need it. I didn’t need her. She’s not going to believe me.
Luckily, she did not pressure me. “Ok, if you need any…”
I cut her off. “I don’t need anything.”
“Ok.” She said and walked away. I could almost hear her frown. Her footsteps grew feint. She was waiting for a change of heart I could tell.
Well I was not about to provide her with one.
Yesterday was the worst day of all. I had awoken believing it would be a good day. I was wrong. It was a day that continued on to the next day, and the one after that, and the one after that. Yesterday will be with me forever. I was so engrossed in with my thoughts that I didn’t even notice rocky jumping on to my lap until he lifted his paws on my shoulder and stared into my eyes as if he was searching for something.
“You won’t find anything there.” I said to him.
He barked and growled in disapproval.
“You’re not the only one.” I told him. “You’re just one out of all.”
This only further annoyed him. He rolled his eyes as if to say “Whatever.”
I had had enough. “You want to know what’s wrong.” I yelled. “I’ll tell you what’s wrong!
He stood up on his paws and glared at me in anticipation.
He was listening. I continued. “What’s wrong is that everyone I’ve met, everyone I know, even strangers regard me as an outsider. What’s wrong is that I don’t belong. What’s wrong is that I’m one of them. What’s wrong is that I’m standing here in my bedroom telling a dog what’s wrong with me! Who does that? Who does that! I’m a freak. A freak I tell you.”
My voice lowered shame taking over me. “A freak with no friends, no friends.” I repeated to myself. I was like my whole life came crashing down into Itself. I was a nobody. I did not belong. Yet I did. What’s wrong with you Marsiella? I asked myself. What are you doing to yourself? I stared at rocky.
“Who is Josh?” I asked him. What does he have on me? What did I ever do to him? What made him capable of breaking through to my emotions? Taking me apart piece by piece. I did not have pieces. I did not feel. I’m not supposed to. I’m Marsiella. Could it be my name, which leads him to believe that I am like everyone else? My name is not me. My name represents kindness, friendship, love, happiness, loved and liked, respected. My name represents yellow, pink, orange, and green. It represents the clear blue sky, the peaceful ocean, the warm summer beach, but not me.
My name is not my name. It is your name, her name, their names, It’s name. But not my name. My name does not exist in the living world. My father’s death stripped it away. I was born nameless. I am nameless, and nameless is my name.
You see only my dad knew my name. He took it with him to the grave. Maybe someday, I‘ll join my name in hell. Maybe someday I’ll get my identity back. But for now, I am afraid of nothing but names and my name. If my name is the cause of my namelessness, is the reason for my lack of life. Then I will give myself a new name, and a new life too.
Outré. Outré is my name. Outré represents and defines me. I live and breathe Outré. Outré is the eclectic colors of fall. Outré is a stormy midnight sky, a swarm of bees claiming their desire in ease. They frighten and are frightened to. Yet no one sees their fright, for it is hidden behind the stormy night. I am a stormy midnight. I am a swarm of bees. I am fall. I am Outré. Is that what my father named me? Is that the name my mother forgot, the name of the nameless? I am outré.
“You’re wrong Josh!” I said aloud to myself. “You may think you know me, but really you only know Marsiella!”
I felt different. I felt renewed. I was at my high. I was above and beyond the rest. I felt unstoppable. I no longer am Marsiella. I am outré. The world may know me as Marsiella. Laying in wait is outré, ready to come out when the time comes. For now, she would just have to wait and let Marsiella live life as it is. Boring yet dramatic, real yet fake, psychotic yet sane. Altogether, a heaven in hell.
“Marsiella!” I was jolted back to reality by my mother’s calls.
“What?” I yelled.
“A friend of yours is on the phone.” She replied. She sounded as surprised as I felt.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I said in confusion.
There was a silence. I waited for her to call me again but she didn’t. Few, I thought relieved. My relief came too early. My mom walked into my room and tossed me a cell phone and a piece of paper with a number on it.
“Your friend Josh wants you to call him back as soon as possible.” She said and left the room.
I smiled to myself. The perfect opportunity was in my reach. The only question is should I take it or should I ignore it. I chose to take it. I picked up the piece of lined paper and dialed the number.
He answered on the first ring. “Hello” over the phone his voice was much deeper.
“It’s me” I replied.
“Oh, hey Marsiella come on out I’m waiting for you out side.”
This caught me off guard. I turned to the clock. It was 7:30 am. “I’m not coming to school.” I said confused.
“I didn’t ask you to.” he said a hint of annoyance in his voice.
I scowled. “Don’t get an attitude with me idiot.” I retorted.
“I’m not the one getting an attitude Marsiella. You are.”
“Where do you want to go?” I asked, not making any effort to get up.
“I want to show you something Marsiella. Wait, do you want to be called Marsiella?” he asked.
I frowned. “What makes you think I don’t like to be called Marsiella?” I replied.
“Well, you always get irritated when I call you that for one. Also, when you write it down your handwriting seems forced.” There was a pause. “So what’s your real name?” He asked.
I frowned. “Excuse me?”
“Your real name.” he repeated.
I squirmed. I was feeling extremely uncomfortable now. How could he know? I said almost panicking. I jumped up of my bed and looked everywhere searching for a peek hole or an open window. I searched my closet and underneath my bed. Finally, I picked up the phone.
“I’m guessing I hit a nerve.” He said.
I scowled. “No, I just had to…” I paused, my eyes landed on rocky. “I just had to get ro…” I corrected myself “…My dog out of my room. He was making a mess.”
“Right” he sounded skeptical. “So are you coming? He asked.
“Coming where?” I asked
“Wow, really Marsiella I told you three minutes ago.” he was losing his patience.
What was I going to do? My opportunity had been lost in the confusion of this call. His remarks were causing me to forget why I called back.
“Right, you want to show me something.” I was silent for a moment. “ok, you know what? I’ll come. How long will it take?”
“Depends on how long you want it to take.” He replied.
I rolled my eyes. “So wait you want to show me something, and at that something you want to talk?”
“Precisely.” He said.
I frowned. To you this may sound normal. To me, not so much. I never had been asked to go somewhere to talk before.
“Couldn’t we talk here?” I asked knowing he would scorn me.
“We could if I wasn’t planning on showing you something.” He said irritated.
I held back a sigh. “I’m coming.”
I wanted to avoid my mother so I decided to take the window. This was a mistake. Just as I landed on the ground Josh was next to me.
“Where’s your car?" I asked attempting to avoid his anticipated questioning.
I failed miserably. “Where’s your door?” he replied, his eyes traveling from the bottom of the ladder to my open window.
I didn’t answer him. Instead, I turned and walked towards the driveway. He followed suit. I had a feeling he was about to let go. I was wrong.
“So where’s your car?” I asked again.
“Were walking” Was his reply.
And we did. Very slowly. It was now about 8:30 and apparently, we had not yet reached his destination. As we were walking, I kept myself seven paces behind him at all times. During the past hour of walking, I had noticed more about him then I had noticed in the past few months. His walk for one. It was perfect. He never once swung his arms, never turned his face, his hair was stiff like statue.
His khaki shorts made his skin look pale. The matching muscle shirt showed off his narrow waist. His skin is what fascinated me most. It was a dazzling clear white, the color of my bed sheets. Normally, by sixteen a vampire’s skin would dull. His was radiant. His edges were as soft as a babies edges. Not one flaw, not one hint of age in his appearance. Unlike me, he was
perfect. I was becoming more and more impatient as the time went by. I was completely exhausted. It was as though someone had tied blocks of gold to my feet.
“Are we there yet?” I asked him.
“We’ve been here.” He replied.
I stopped. He turned around with a questioning look on his face. “What?” he asked.
“Were here.” I repeated.
I looked around at my surroundings trying my best to keep my cool. What was so special about this place, or the places, we’ve been to. Why did he drag me out of my home to show me street after street of nothing?
I looked back at him. “What’s so special?” I asked him hoping for a logical response.
“Everything.” He scrutinized my expression contemplating my reaction. I continued to gaze at him in absolute cluelessness. Fortunately, he was patient with me. “Look around you Marsiella, can’t you see? Are you blind to life and It’s contents?” he looked almost angry now. “Look around Marsiella. I mean really look this time.”
I stared at him for a second trying to determine whether he was serious or just playing with me. His features were solemn. I look around attempting to look at things from his point of view. I failed. I looked at him helplessly. I felt stupid. God I’m stupid.
He decided to help me out. “Think life.”
Think life I repeated to myself.
As if he could read my mind, he nodded with approval. “Think life.” He said
I squirmed. The situation was becoming more and more awkward he was acting strange, the word crazy was at the tip of my tongue . “Is this necessary?” I blurted out.
He glared at me. “Don’t you feel? Don’t you think?”
“It’s too much work.” I joked hoping to lighten the atmosphere. This only further intensified it.”
“What is it Marsiella? Can’t you see the laughter, the anger, the love, the good times, the bad times? Contemplate it Marsiella contemplate it.” He Looked at me with such concentration that if he stared any harder he would burn a hole straight through me.
I took a deep breath and searched for what he saw. My eyes landed on a group of children yelling screaming and chasing each other. Some were engaged in humorous conversations other’s fooling around. They all had smiles on their faces. My gaze wandered towards to high school kids arguing over who was on who’s side, their faces contorted with anticipation and ruthlessness. My eyes then wandered to a couple so engrossed in each other even the sound of a nuclear bomb would not wake them from their daze.
My gaze once again traveled to the children running together down the street in a group yelling and screaming about a fight. Then the high school kids coming to an understanding, the relief of friend ship in their eyes. The couple no longer had their heads I the clouds. The female sat as far away as possible from him her face contorted in pain tears streaming down her cheeks.
Their relationship had been destroyed by a nuclear bomb. Both came out wounded. The female even more so then the male. I contemplated the change. The constant turn of events. When at one moment, there was an atmosphere of happiness. The next there is a cloud of anger. Good moments turned to bad ones. Where friends became enemies and enemies became friends. The world was rollercoaster of emotions, changing at the speed of sound. Some changes occurred rapidly. Others occur more gradually. These were occurring rapidly. Each phase lasting temporarily, sometimes the bad longer then the good.
I looked back at Josh. The look on my face was enough to convince him that I had seen what he saw. “So, what is this, what did you just show me?” I asked him.
“The world.” He said. “What you’re missing out on. What you think you don’t need. Come on.” He said gesturing towards me to follow him.
We began to walk again, our paces faster than before. I was in a state of aw. I had never seen so many things at once. Not like that. I thought of those to rivals becoming friends. How long will that friendship last. Then I recalled the couple, It took months for them to finally realize their love and a split second to throw it all away. He may have seen life. But I had see pain, sorrow, manipulation, anger, and sadness in all that was around me.
I did not want to feel that pain, did not want to cry for something I know won’t last forever. I did not want temporary. If I wanted something, I would first make sure it would be there forever. I don’t want tears, nor sorrow. Happiness is not something that comes from what you have. It comes from inside of you. You can manipulate your brain into thinking you were happy, and you will be. It was just a matter of pure science.
I wrenched myself away from my thoughts and looked up at Josh once more. He was beginning to pick up his pace. There was more exuberance in his walk. It was as though we were nearing something powerful. Powerful enough to excite him even though he had seen it all. I continued to gaze at him as I tried to keep up with him. Judging the way he was speeding up so rapidly you would think he was a child who reunited with his mother after years of her being gone. I was begging to fall way behind as he continued to speed up. I did not want to have to run after him. I did not feel I had to. All I wanted to do now was go back home and fall asleep. Then I could awake in the evening and be able to think clearly about the string of events. He began to slow down until we were walking side by side.
“You’re slow.” He said grinning.
“No, I replied. I’m just tired.” I replied.
There was a sudden spark in his eyes. “Bet I can beat you in a race.” He remarked.
“I bet you can.” I was not about to deny it, I was exhausted.
He frowned. “That doesn’t make sense, you can’t bet against yourself.”
“Fine, then I bet I can beat you in a race, just not now.”
“Let’s race then!” he yelled and shot off into the distance. I stared after his quickly vanishing silhouette in wonder. Then I began to run too. But only for a while. I had run about three blocks and he was nowhere to be seen. I decided to take a shortcut and ran into the ally. I was quickly loosing breath. I slowed down and suddenly I tripped and fell. Panting I got up. In my moment of unawareness, I almost missed the message carved into the gravel. I had not seen that before I thought to myself.
I had been through this alley way at night and I had been through this alley many times at night and never in the past few years did I see ever see such an inscription. What scared me most was it knew my name. The presence of my name in the warning frightened me more the warning itself. I jumped at the snapping of a branch, I got back on my feet quickly, and began to run once more. Less than thirty seconds later, someone grabbed me by the arm and pulled me to a stop. I had never thought I could be so relieved to see him.
He had a frown on his face. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked without one hint of concern.
“Um, nothing. I didn’t realize you were behind me.” I said hopping he had not seen the message in the concrete. Though I had my doubts.
He grinned suddenly. “I actually won twenty minutes ago. Then I went to look for you.” A sudden look of amusement appeared on his face. “I feel bad for Outré whoever she is.” He remarked. “It’s strange though, Outré means unusual in French.”
I felt a pang of relief. I forced a smile on my face. “Yah” I said letting out a nervous laugh.
He grinned. “Seriously Marsiella, you don’t have to feel that bad for the girl. She’ll realize who her enemy is soon enough.”
I shoved him playfully. “Don’t be silly, I already know that.” I looked around searching for a something else to talk about. “I’m going to go home now.” I said and began to walk away.
“Wait up!” he walked quickly towards me. “I’ll walk with you.”
I panicked. “I don’t need an escort,” I said quickly.
“No, you don’t, but we haven’t talked yet.”
“Oh—ok.” I said. My mind wandered. I started thinking again about the message on the sidewalk. We walked in silence for a few minutes. As we walked I kept an eye out for messages on the sidewalk. I knew I was being paranoid. But I want to see something, anything, that would tell me that the message was not to me. the chances of that were very low. I could not deny it. But that did not stop me from getting my hopes up.
“So what are you think so hard about?”
“Huh—“I was brought back to reality by Josh. “I said, what are you thinking so hard about?” He sounded irritated. The past few days I had noticed the he was easily annoyed and angered. At first, his aggressive manner made me feel squeamish. After a while, I got used to it.
“Nothing.” I avoided looking into his eyes. “what are you going to do for the rest of the day?” I asked him.
“Not much.” He continued to look at me. “What did you see?” he asked. I looked up at him in confusion. He had a curious yet solemn expression on his face.
“What?” I continued to stare at him.
“Before you looked different, I really didn’t expect you to respond to my request. I mean you don’t usually look at anything like that. You looked different, softer.”
My eyes widened. “Am I that cruel?” I asked him surprised.
He laughed. “Cruel, no. Ignorant, selfish, emotionless, crazy, evil, and lonely, yes.” His voice softened at “lonely”.
“Ok—sorry for my cruelty towards you. I never meant to come off as cruel. I just wanted to get it across to you that I didn’t want your presence.” A slight shadow of a smile appeared on my lips.
He began to walk backwards facing me. “Did I mention abrasive, aggressive, horrid, mean—s” I cut him off.
“Ok, I get it, I get it. I’ll try to be more of an angel from now on.” I rolled my eyes.
He frowned. “No, I like you better this way.” I looked at him quizzically. “Your more fun. I like making you mad, it’s funny.”
I sighed, irritated. “Really Josh, really.”
He looked at me sheepishly. “Well It’s true.” he said under his breath. I stopped and continued to stare at him. He too stopped and contemplated my glare. “I’m in trouble now huh.”
“No, but please, do except the fact that I will cause havoc in your life for the next few weeks not to mention I will treat you with a cruelty so abrasive you will never forget it.” At that I spun around and began to walk away from him. Unfortunately, he followed.
“You’re different from everyone else you know.” I let him continue. “You don’t want the same things as everyone else. You don’t look at things the same. You know, I’ve never met someone like you.” He paused. “You never answered my question.”
“I don’t answer a lot of your questions.” I said hoping he would not question me further. I don’t normally get my wish’s.
“Could you answer this one—please?”
I pursed my lips and ignored his plea. His voice become harsher “I didn’t ask you Marsiella I told you.” I look up at him in surprise. Then I began to walk faster. As anticipated, he followed.
I stopped again. “Why do you need to know?” I exclaimed. “It’s none of you business. God you’re annoying.” He just stood there staring at me in silence. It was that way for the next five minutes. I began to fidget underneath his gaze. One part of me was telling me to give in; the other told me to hold my ground. We were in a subdued silence for about five more minutes. It was becoming an awkward moment for me. I looked around at my surroundings. Anything to escape his gaze.
“Marsiella” he spoke my name softly, in his mouth it sounded like a silk. I shivered.
“When I looked around I didn’t see what you saw. I didn’t see happiness I saw temporary happiness. I didn’t see love I saw destruction of love. I saw corruption, aggression, neglecting of nature, pain, cruelty.” I smiled sadly. “I’m sorry Josh but I don’t see the world like you. I’m not willing to take the risks. I don’t want to be that person. I’m fine the way I am. Sure, I get poked fun of at school. But that’s high school. Every day, someone has to be picked on. It’s my turn now. I can’t say I’m ok with it but that’s high school, and that the way it is and the way it’s meant to be. You can’t do anything about that.”
He stared at me confusion in his eyes. “But, doesn’t everyone want to feel the hurt to feel the relief. Isn’t it necessary to feel hate before love, cry before you laugh. Who would not want that? I don’t think I’ve met a single person living or dead that didn’t want those things.” He said in awe. I gazed back at him solemnly. “How many times do I have to tell you Josh? I’m not like everyone else. I don’t need companionship enable to survive. I don’t need love, I don’t need to feel pain before relief or hate before appreciation. I can make myself happy. I can simply think that I’m happy, believe that I’m happy,, and I will be.” We began to walk again. By now we had almost reached my house.
“Marsiella.” his voice was soft.
“Yes.” I replied with a barely audible whisper. He was silent for a moment.
“What’s your other half?” he asked looking at me In wonder. I stared back at him surprised by his unexpected question.
“I—don’t know.” I replied. He frowned at me.
“How do you not know?” he asked looking at me quizzically.
I had never thought about that. “My mom never told me. Plus I never asked.”
He frowned contemplating my expression. “Who doesn’t want to know who they are. Why would you want to keep your identity a secret from not only others, but you’re self also?”
“I told you Josh,” I said, as we reached the block, my house was on. “I’m not just anyone.”
I stopped walking as we reached my house and turned to him. “I’ll see you in school.” He smiled “Yah, I’ll see you then. And I’ll try to remember you’re not just anyone.”
“You do that.” I grinned at him. “Bye” As I walked up to my house, I repeated the words in my head. And I did throughout the rest of the day for the fact the I was not just anyone was a fact that was not to be forgotten.