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Against Better Judgement

Author's note: Basically what inspired this entire piece was two youtubers (aka danisnotonfire &...  Show full author's note »
Author's note:

Basically what inspired this entire piece was two youtubers (aka danisnotonfire & amazingphil) and a song believe it or not! 

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The memories of happiness and laughter that were drawn on the walls like a child had drawn with marker, were slowly vanishing into a thin existence that Dan could hardly see. Happiness had been ripped from Dan, he didn’t see it anymore. He could say that he simply messed up, that he made a mistake, but that would be an utter lie. He made the uttermost betrayal to the one person who he owed everything too. A betrayal on his part that he doesn’t expect to forgive himself for and one that he doesn’t expect forgiveness for from him. From Phil.

Up the stairs of the dark and dismal staircase laid a sparkle in the dark. A ring that had laid there for the week since it fell from the hands of the one who he loved with the utmost discretion since he laid eyes upon him years prior. He couldn’t bear to touch the ring after Phil had thrown it back in his face. He knew what the symbolic meaning of that ring meant and he knew that he broke that.
Tensing up and freezing as fear coursed through his warm veins, Dan could hear Phil storming up the steps. He could already sense the betrayal in the air and Phil hadn’t even spoken a word about the situation to him, probably because he didn’t know. It was obvious to Dan that he did now, whether he liked it or not. 
“Dan where the f*** are you?” Phil yelled once he got to the top of the staircase. Dan could feel the tears start to brim in the corners of his eyes. The sting was all to familiar lately, as Dan found himself crying everyday over his mistake that he made. Closing his eyes, he felt the tightness in his chest restrict again as he stood up on his feet. The cold sweat of his clammy palms reminded him that he needed to face this head on; no matter what the consequence would be. No matter the outcome. He knew he owed that to Phil at the very least.

The thoughts raced as he walked out of his room and to the lounge where he saw him. He noticed right away the tears, not from sadness but about from anger and hurt, cascading down his cheeks that held a deep red in his cheeks. “Yes or no.”
Dan gulped and stared at Phil. The fear that was going through him was now coursing at a faster pace that he knew. Dan knew that his world and fears would come crashing down on him in the moments to come, and while he knew he had to accept it, he wasn’t entirely sure if he could  now that the situation was playing out. He could just easily lie and get out of this and hope that the truth never came out, but what good would that do? Just bury him in lies upon lies that would catch up with him one day and the aftermath would be worse than now.
“Dan, now.” Phil’s voice cracked. There was obvious hints of betrayal and anger laced in the words that rolled off his tongue. The tears that had found their way to the front of Dan’s eyes were now falling down his cheeks. Hanging his head in shame he could hear Phil scoff. “I don't even get a f***ing answer Dan? I just found out that you potentially could have cheated on me and you can’t even tell me if it’s true or not?”
Dan’s chest heaved with pain and agony. He wanted nothing more than to have this mess erased and nothing more to change his actions.
Phil’s head was throbbing in pain and his chest physically was hurting him. He risked everything when he met Dan and the journey they’ve had together and this was the thanks he got in return. He never doubted that Dan loved him, but how could he not have doubts when he found out that his fiance may have slept with someone only weeks before the wedding they were to have.
His face was a give away. The look of shame was plastered across his face as if it was tattooed into his skin. Phil raised an eyebrow staring at Dan, who was shriveling his posture under his gaze. Everything just screamed that Dan had done it, but  Phil didn’t want to admit that to himself. He loved Dan with every fiber in his body, but he didn’t know if he could after this.
“W-why what?” Dan stuttered meeting Phil’s gaze. The sweat was beading on his forehead and his hair was curling from it.
“Why did you do it? What the hell was going through your head Dan? Don’t I mean anything to you anymore? Wha- what was I just your kick start and once you got to where you wanted to be in life you were gonna toss me away like I was nothing?”
“No P-Phil, I was s-scared and I made a mis-”

“You were scared?” Phil interrupted him, a look disbelief on his face. “You cheated on me because you were scared Dan?”
“I was scared to g-get married Phil! I - I didn’t know how to react and I messed up.”
Phil started laughing coldly and looked towards him again. “You don’t I wasn’t scared?! For God sakes Dan getting married is huge! I was scared I would somehow mess it up and you would change your mind. You know what my views on marriage are and how important it is to me.”
On his ring finger of his left hand held a piece of jewelry that was a symbol of the weeks to come. A symbol that meant they wanted to stay together until the end. One that showed nothing but love and dedication. The love and desire between two people, but all of that was broken.
Taking the ring off his finger Phil looked to Dan once more. In a swift move he threw the ring as Dan’s chest. The world was in slow motion for Dan as he watched the ring fly across the room and collide with his chest. Every being in him was shattering and falling to the ground with the ring that lie between his feet.
“I hope you’re happy now Dan.” Phil spat before turning and starting down the stairs. Stopping abruptly, he turned slightly. “I’ll be back for my stuff over the next week.”
The reality that Dan was getting married hit him about a month ago. Did he want to marry Phil? By god he did, he wanted nothing more than to watch Phil walk down the aisle and to spend the rest of his life with him. It was a bliss to Dan but fear can erase any bliss someone has. It did him.
He was petrified that Phil would find someone better than him, although that wouldn’t be hard. Anyone was better than him. It worried him that he wouldn’t be a good husband to Phil and that he would leave him anyways. But Dan did what he did any time that he got scared. He didn’t talk to Phil, but ran. He ran from his worries and his fears; something he did quite often. He didn’t run away per say rather than he ran into the arms of a stranger and was reminded for weeks of each time he looked at his skin. The reminders came physically first, the hickeys that were littered across his chest and collarbones.
The air smelt of alcohol and sweat. A deep musk captured the two of them in a blissful hug as Dan was placed on his lap, one leg on each side. His skin was cool to the touch but his face was flushed and his cheeks rosey. The sweat from his forehead was curling his hair and traveling down his face.
Soft moans escaped past his lips as someone connected their lips to his neck. Deep in the back on his mind he knew this was wrong, but he couldn’t think straight with the mixture of alcohol and arousal that coursed through him. He snaked his arms around the man’s neck, tangling his fingers in his hair.
While he kissed across the smooth skin of Dan’s neck, the noises coming from Dan were a sheer delight to him. The quiet whimpers were music to his ears as he bit down on a particularly sensitive spot on him. Letting his lips ghost over the delicate skin he could feel Dan shuttering as he started to suck on one particular spot.
What made his skin go cold and caused goosebumps to form was the fact that the man he went home with reminded him of Phil from what he could recall. From the pale complexion of his skin, the dark locks of hair and the bluest crystal eyes, it all screamed Phil.
Since Phil left, Dan hasn’t done much of anything. He doesn’t leave bed, he hasn’t showered or eaten much. He just lied there in bed staring at the ceiling while the fairy lights that bordered his bed created a mist of sadness around him. On the floor were water bottles, both full and empty and some empty crisp packets that he couldn’t be bothered to clean up.
Taking all then strength he could find, Dan managed to sit up and look around. His eyes laid upon the camera on the far corner. Staring all he could do was think. Think about the memories, the laughs, he had no clue where his life would go after this. He could only imagine all the horrible things that would happen. He just hoped Phil would be alright.
Dan had no idea that Phil cried himself to sleep every night. That he was just as bad, and laid in bed all day thinking. He just thought and wondered if everything was all in his head. He wondered if Dan even truly loved him from the start or if it was just some illusion played out perfectly over the years.
Climbing out of bed, Dan trudged down the halls to the kitchen for a drink. Eyes flickering, he caught his reflection in the mirror and froze before walking in.
Shuddering at his own reflection he noticed how predominate the dark circles under eyes from no sleep where. The browns of his eyes were dull and the whites were red from crying constantly. His usual straight brown locks were curled and oily from not showering, just as his face was oily.
Grimacing at the way he smelled, Dan sighed and backed up against the wall, sliding down slowly with a familiar sting that’s in his eyes. A choked sob racked through him as he buried his face in his hands. He wanted nothing more than to try and fix things with Phil, but he didn’t deserve forgiveness; especially not from Phil. The sobs kept coming and coming from him, shaking his body. The air around him was becoming thick and heavy and his chest heaved. Threading his fingers through his own, he gripped slightly before looking towards the ceiling through the blurred vision of his eyes.
Maybe if I can just tell him I’m sorry, Dan thought, just so he at least knows, whether he believes me or not. Pulling himself off the ground once the tears stopped, he walked to his room he sat the camera up, hit record and sat on the edge of his bed.
With his mind racing and his chest pounding with fear, he looked to the camera. “H-hello internet.”
Dan didn’t try to hide the fact that he was hurting. He didn’t smile, he didn’t wave, he just sat there with tear streaks rolling down his face.”Um, exc - excuse my a-appearence guys.” Taking a deep breath, he started questioning whether this was a good idea or not. He didn’t know how to talk to people but he knew how to talk to the camera.
“Ph - Phil- he - he’s not here anymore. Uh, and he - he won’t be back.” Brining his hand to his mouth, tears filled his eyes once more and his breath was shakey and rough. “Wh-which is my fault.”
“Uh, um Phil - Phil and I w-were supposed to be getting m-married in the - in the fall. O-October to be ex-exact and in M-Manchester, where it a-all started.”
Dan started to sob again, unable to control himself as the sobs wracked through his body. Could he do this? No. Did he have to? Yes. He had to at least attempt to let Phil know how sorry he was in some way; seeing as this was his only option as Phil blocked his number.
“We started dating in 2011.” Dan started once he had managed to calm himself down. “And in 2015, I asked Phil to marry me when we were in Japan. He said yes of course and I was - oh god I was over the moon. The one person that I loved the most had said yes and I couldn’t believe it.”
A tear rolled down his cheek as he looked down. “We were going - we were go-gonna record it and surprise you guys. But it’s not happening now, and it’s because I fu-f***ed up.”
“I -” Dan looked down in moral shame, “I cheated on Phil Lester, and I’m so f***ing ashamed of myself. I don’t want forgiveness and I don’t want pity. I just - I just wanna say I’m so sorry to Phil.”
Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, all Dan could see was Phil’s eyes of hurt staring back at him. It was all to familiar but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt him any less. Just the fact that through the walls of his own was his bedroom killed him inside. It takes everything in him not to go in there just to smell the familiar scent of Phil that drove him crazy each day, just because it was him.
“About a month ago, I realised I was getting married and that this was reality and not a dream. It scared me. God I - I was terrified, and I still am. Instead of telling Phil what was going on I ran. I ran from home, I ran from myself and most of all, I ran from him. Running into the arms of the first person who was willing to take me was the worst thing that I could ever have done. From the moment I woke up and realised what I had done, I - I was ashamed, I couldn’t find a reason to care about myself that wasn’t filled with some kind of hatred.”
Looking in the viewfinder, Dan could see how torn he looked. Closing his eyes and taking a breath he opened his eyes. “Loyalty. It’s something so important and I broke that. Trust, respect, honesty. All things that I broke and ripped from what Phil and I had. It’s the thing that holds a relationship together. You’re supposed to be loyal and never dare to hurt your parent in any way, especially this. I’m so f***ing sorry Phil.”
Falling softly back onto his bed he thought, Is it time to say goodbye? After these years?
Sitting back up, Dan took a deep breath, trying to clear his racing mind. “I’m leaving. I can’t do YouTube anymore. It - It just reminds me everyday of Phil and he’s all I see. Please,” Dan looked at the camera with pleading eyes. “Please if you see me, don’t come up and say hi to me. I love meeting you guys but, it hurts when the person I created this world with is gone. So no more. No more live shows, videos, tweets and updates. I don’t want this success anymore. There’s just no point if I’m not happy and I can’t find happiness in this anymore.”
Looking straight into the camera, his heartbreaking and a tear rolling down his cheek he said. “I’m Dan, and this was danisnotonfire. Goodbye internet.”


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