The Dark Horse

March 19, 2012
By ssv145 BRONZE, DeWitt, Michigan
ssv145 BRONZE, DeWitt, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 11 comments

Summary:

The world hasn't been the same since 2033. Not since the SSO took over in World War 3. They rule cruelly, and they use their strength to create fear in rebels.
But that it about to change. A new rebel will conquer an impossible feat. The SSO's power will be challenged, and the rebellion will have a new advantage.
A dark horse.
They have Matthew Vaughn.


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The Dark Horse


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This book has 14 comments.


on Jun. 7 2012 at 4:33 pm
AlexEvansTM SILVER, Lansing, Michigan
7 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
Pessimism comes from our passion, optimism comes from our will.

When Vaughn says "sorry sir, they're wearing us down", or something that's along those lines, and then you add something like it was sonething he had always said, change that, that second part is awkward to read.

on Apr. 7 2012 at 10:49 am
LiteraryMastermind BRONZE, Graytown, Connecticut
1 article 0 photos 39 comments
Could you check out my book, A Rebellion, Underground? I'm trying to get more people to read it.

ssv145 BRONZE said...
on Mar. 24 2012 at 2:22 pm
ssv145 BRONZE, DeWitt, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 11 comments
I know. As I got farther into the book, I got more rushed to get it done.

on Mar. 24 2012 at 10:55 am
Eshshah PLATINUM, Galloway, New Jersey
32 articles 31 photos 239 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep." -Robert Frost

First off, I love your structure of dialogue, but there were a few things that bugged me- like KateLA said, the names are used a little too much, and also som parts are a little unrealistic, like the nuclear weapon thing etc.

ssv145 BRONZE said...
on Mar. 24 2012 at 9:26 am
ssv145 BRONZE, DeWitt, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 11 comments
I'm not offened. I like good feedback. I'll fix that, and do better about it in the second book.

on Mar. 24 2012 at 8:57 am
LiteraryMastermind BRONZE, Graytown, Connecticut
1 article 0 photos 39 comments
I'm looking forward to the next book!

KateLA GOLD said...
on Mar. 24 2012 at 7:06 am
KateLA GOLD, Everett, Washington
11 articles 20 photos 194 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
-Unknown

I really like your descriptions, but the one thing I noticed first (and that really irked me) was that you used Vaughn's name way too much, if you use a word (even if it's a name) alot, it just makes the reader want to throw the book at the wall. No offense mean't of course, I just want to give good feedback :-)

ssv145 BRONZE said...
on Mar. 24 2012 at 5:39 am
ssv145 BRONZE, DeWitt, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 11 comments

Okay. I'm not an expert at that kind of stuff. I didn't know what would have happened if it blew up in mid-air, so that's what I did. I think the second book will be better, though. I'll make Vaughn more helpless in it.

 


on Mar. 23 2012 at 10:16 pm
LiteraryMastermind BRONZE, Graytown, Connecticut
1 article 0 photos 39 comments
Secondly, the nuclear weapon detonated at such a close range would kill everyone there.

on Mar. 23 2012 at 8:54 pm
LiteraryMastermind BRONZE, Graytown, Connecticut
1 article 0 photos 39 comments
The book is good. I know you meant it to be this way, but making Vaughn practically invincible is overkill. It's even worse than Call of Duty: Black Ops. I liked the first chapter's action, but the prison scene was so easy I was expecting that just to be a test to see how good Vaughn was.

ssv145 BRONZE said...
on Mar. 23 2012 at 5:54 pm
ssv145 BRONZE, DeWitt, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 11 comments

Thanks for the feedback. You probably had five things I didn't even think about!

Again, thanks for the comments. I'll try and look at it. And your short story, The Duel.


on Mar. 23 2012 at 5:29 pm
Tatiel PLATINUM, Washington, Vermont
23 articles 21 photos 57 comments

Favorite Quote:
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
~Mark Twain

I just read your first chapter, which overall was very good! Definitely intriguing - I so wish I had more time to read the rest! =/ 

A few comments...First, in the beginning, you say he has lost his memory and doesn't even remember his own name, yet you as the narrator call him by his name. That kind of makes it a little confusing as to if he has really forgotten his name, or is that just a figure of speech? Maybe just refer to him as "the man" or something for the first part, until you say he remembered his name again.

Second, I found the very beginning part kind of confusing, with all the names being tossed around, and people talking about the SSO and Rebels without any explanation of who/what the SSO and Rebels ARE. Maybe put a paragraph in explaining who the different sides are and why they are fighting, in the beginning. =) That will help your readers keep from getting completely lost right off the bat.

Also, the whole helecopter thing. If I'm understanding right, Vaughn is a rebel, and the helicopter is from the SSO. Then Vaughn (a rebel) gets IN the SSO copter. Then he flies over a tank, which radios and calls him a Rebel and shoots at him so thus must be a tank from the SSO side too. Yet he shoots (despite the fact that Vaughn is still in an SSO helicopter, so if the tank is from the SSO too, he wouldn't shoot because it would appear that they were on the same side). ...Does that make any sense at all? =P Basically, what I'm trying to say is, He's in an SSO helicopter, so how does the tank know he's a rebel? =P

Other than that, though, this was good! I enjoyed reading =D Again, I wish I had time to read the rest! Yay for being a senior, lol.


ssv145 BRONZE said...
on Mar. 22 2012 at 6:51 pm
ssv145 BRONZE, DeWitt, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 11 comments
Okay. Im good at that

on Mar. 22 2012 at 6:34 pm
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

I will read this! :D you should check out some RP's! They are sweet! :D


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