Problems Of a Ten Year Old Girl

January 31, 2012
By Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."


Summary:

Karen, a ten year old girl. Excited about her unborn baby bother. But what do you think will happen when she finds out that James just might not be born? DISASTER. . .


writerfreak21231

Problems Of a Ten Year Old Girl


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This book has 6 comments.


on Jun. 30 2012 at 9:45 am
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

Thank you for your advice! And thanks for reading! I was younger when I wrote this, so yes, it isn't my best work. But thanks for the feedback! 

 

~ Free :)(:


on Jun. 26 2012 at 7:41 pm
blacksummer2014 SILVER, Brookfield, Wisconsin
7 articles 4 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
"'I love you all; except you, Draco, I can't f****** stand you'"-- Harry from A Very Potter Musical

"Granger! Oh I thought you were a boggart!!!" -Albus Dumbledore from A Very Potter Musical

Umm... okay and another thing because I just finished reading the book.

 

If the baby had "died" in the mum's stomach they would have taken it out that very day. They would have done a surgery and removed the miscarried baby because keeping it in the mum's stomach is EXTREMELY dangerous so the end-point of this book is practically impossible.

 

Over all, this book is too short for the plotline and if you went back and expanded it and followed my other tips you could create a novel that is of better length and follows your plot better.


on Jun. 26 2012 at 7:36 pm
blacksummer2014 SILVER, Brookfield, Wisconsin
7 articles 4 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
"'I love you all; except you, Draco, I can't f****** stand you'"-- Harry from A Very Potter Musical

"Granger! Oh I thought you were a boggart!!!" -Albus Dumbledore from A Very Potter Musical

Oh and one other thing too-- she's driving a toy truck-- they would be able to catch up with her because those things go like 15 mph tops :P. They don't need to call the police XD. I would say because you have dramatic license that you could in theory get away with that but I think that's even a bit too far-fetched for a story or a movie.

on Jun. 26 2012 at 7:31 pm
blacksummer2014 SILVER, Brookfield, Wisconsin
7 articles 4 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
"'I love you all; except you, Draco, I can't f****** stand you'"-- Harry from A Very Potter Musical

"Granger! Oh I thought you were a boggart!!!" -Albus Dumbledore from A Very Potter Musical

I feel like this would be a good story if you went back and slowed it down.

 

The doctor needs to be a bit more realistic. He wouldn't just say "your baby died in your stomach!" he'd say something like: "you had a miscarriage" or something a bit more proper and he would say it quietly because this is devastating news and he has a personal connection with the mother.

 

Another thing too is that if Karen is personally narrating the story she wouldn't know about the miscarriage til they told her so I think I'd switch the story to third person and follow Karen closely as well as the parents in which case the story will make better sense and the reader can understand more than the characters and get the full plot and storyline.

 

The parents emotions are too vague as well... when they find out really delve into their feelings and make them dramatic-- I mean kids are everything to their parents (unless they're bad parents :P) so the mum should be crumpling to the floor and the dad should be catching her and they should be sobbing and really show how heartbroken they are.

 

In a story like this emotion is key and it's important to really show the feelings of the characters and make their feelings dramatic. Authors are all given dramatic licenses because otherwise books would be lame to read if they weren't dramatic and a bit ridiculous.

 

The introduction needs to slow down a lot and really display the scatterbrained thoughts of a ten year old-- think about Dug from Up; he randomly is like "SQUIRREL!!!" and that is what most ten year olds are like. They lose track of their thoughts and switch topics and carry on about things that shouldn't matter or are only big issues when you're ten. In the introduction it's important to display that.

 

Maybe save the death until the fifth or sixth chapter and build up Karen's attachment to James and show her excitement more so that the readers can get attached and excited too and so they feel her pain and have the emotional connection with Karen so the story holds interest.

 

Just some ideas :) hope I didn't offend you or anything and keep writing because you could really write some brilliant stuff if you go back through and edit what you've got :D.

-Lizzie


on Feb. 12 2012 at 2:35 pm
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

Thank you! It means a lot!

on Feb. 6 2012 at 4:30 pm
kingofwriters BRONZE, DeWitt, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Books are a uniquely portable magic." - Stephen King

I love books, and I love technology, but I don't want to see the latter overwhelm the former. I just think books are meant to be pages you turn, not screens you scroll through.

I really do like your story; even though it's the first one you ever wrote, it had a good plot and I liked the ending! You're right; this isn't one of your best stories (THE BEAST, The Caller), but for your first one, it's great! Keep on writing! :)


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