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Lucavon
Summary: Lucavon Vesper never realized how much danger there was in the world until the day he set foot in the Viktonian Agency. Until then, he had lived in a house of lies, where everything felt real but nothing ever happened.
At the Agency, nobody ever seems to sit still. Life is a race because death is just around the corner. Luca finds himself submerged in pain, hatred and terror numerous times; he finds himself hurt so badly that he can hardly think of ever standing again, but at the same time, he finds himself, and realizes that the life of an agent is truly what he is born for.
At the Agency, nobody ever seems to sit still. Life is a race because death is just around the corner. Luca finds himself submerged in pain, hatred and terror numerous times; he finds himself hurt so badly that he can hardly think of ever standing again, but at the same time, he finds himself, and realizes that the life of an agent is truly what he is born for.
E.J.Mathews
This story was very well written, an incredibly original. I loved how well you made the dialog flow between one character and the next. This piece reminded me of a short story series that I'm working on. This story was great, keep up the good work.
CurlyGirl17Wow, this is good! I really like the whole idea of it. What Quinn did was quite a surprise! I'd really appreciate some advice or comments on the first chapter of my story, Metalligirl, from you; you did a great job! :)
What I would suggest about dialogue is a tip I read in writing book: to include only what brings something important to the story- character development, plot- but to take out regular conversation. Also, more descriptions and clearer flow would bring this first part together. Otherwise, the plot is captivating and the story is headed in a good direction :)
CammySWell, I really liked the story, and everything I didn't like about it others mentioned. So, I'll just show you the passages I quite enjoyed, and you can try to muddle out what they have in common and what not. I don't know. I just want to recognize the passages that made me grin.
Whoever it was, they made an odd picture, walking through the bare, skinny trees - a shadowy spider amidst a stark, dangerous forest.
"I'm sorry," Quinn said. He stood up.
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Great work! The story has potential, but i agree with toning down the dialogue just a bit. I love Rip right now!!
guardianofthestars
I liked it!! The plot is super interesting and it was a very enjoyable read!! I thought it was really good!
This is a great plot, but I do have some suggestions. First- I love the dialogue. Especially Rip's. It really makes him come to life. However, there's too much of it, and not near enough description.
Also- reactions. They aren't quite believable. If Luca just found out his parents aren't reallyhis parents, his reaction should be more drastic. Show how drastic it is. The greatest advice I've ever been given is to use the model of the 5 stages of grief... (more »)
Also- reactions. They aren't quite believable. If Luca just found out his parents aren't reallyhis parents, his reaction should be more drastic. Show how drastic it is. The greatest advice I've ever been given is to use the model of the 5 stages of grief... (more »)
hollyax1999Great story :) I love the idea and it's really well written, can't wait to read the next part. The dialogue explains the story well, but maybe have less of it? I love the description of the first man, it really helps me imagine him. The only thing I can think of to improve the characters would be to add more description about them, the way the talk ect. but it's great anyway. Love it :)
Artgirl1999Good story!
You can definitely improve the dialogue. I put a few passages below with some general ideas for description and elaboration in italics. For example,
"I'm sorry,' Quinn said, standing up. He had a remorseful (smug, frightened) look on his face. He scurried away.
"I've never seen you before in my life." Luca pressed his back further in to the seat. This wasn't exactly a lie, though Luca felt like he had seen this guy before.more »)
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