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HomeDream
Author's note:
An actual dream inspired me to write this and I want to make the transitions from dream to dream,...
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Awakening
I'm on the floor in my room and I'm next to my bed. I get up and my body is all-sour. I think over what has just happened and I smile, with satisfaction.I put on a t-shirt, jeans, and lace up my black leather boots. I hop downstairs and mother's already at work, I couldn't be happier.
I go to school and it's less dreary than usual. The bell rings for lunch and I head to my locker. Books are clutched in my arms and someone knocks into me. Everything spills out of my arms and I go onto the floor to pick them up.
"Oh I'm so sorry," a male voice says.
"Oh that's alright," I say. "I wasn't really paying attention."
"I guess I wasn't either," he says. He hands me my book and I smile.
"Thanks," I say.
"No problem," he replies. I stand up and get a good look at him. He looks exactly like the boy in my dream last night. "Do I know you?"
"I don't think so," I shrug. "But now that I think about it you kind of look familiar."
"Yeah," he says. "Like we've met somewhere before. Maybe in a dream, I secretly think. "So I'm going to hang with some friends. Do you want to come?"
"Oh uh..." I stammer. "I don't know."
"Oh come on it will be fun," he says. "I'll protect you if they turn out to be evil knights." I laugh and he smiles.
"Sure," I say. He comes with me and I put my books in my locker. Then we head out to lunch and I feel oh so happy.
dragonsandthree
This was really quite interesting and strange. It was different than anything else that I've ever read. 5 stars.
guardianofthestars
The details were very good. I really liked the dreamyness of it. I gave it 5 stars :)
It's so imaginative and it really does feel like a dream. Great job:)
That was crazy! (In a good way. :) ) It was so creative; I can definitely believe that the idea came from an actual dream- unbelievable things can happen. The imagery was amazing in this story- I think my strengths are characters and dialogue, but my imagery isn't too good. I'd really appreciate getting a comment or advice from you on the first chapter of my story, Metalligirl, from you- you do such a great job!
It's not that bad but like what other people have been saying, there's a lot of telling. The person has a lot of things happening to her at once, but she doesn't describe how it feels. I know it's a dream sequence and people might not be able to feel anything or are removed from what's happening, but you might want to state that. Without that little bit of information, she seems like a very indifferent character.
You also need to vary your sentences. Sometimes you start wit... (more »)
writer24_7LOVED IT!!! It was very descriptive, good plot, strong hook, just great! Although you did have a few spelling and grammatical errors, but who doesn't? We all don't have a professional editor, lol!!! KEEP WRITING!!!
The story was good, but I did hear a lot of telling, more than showing, although, you did do an extraordinary job with imagery! (Definitely a round of applause for that) It was a bit random, but I'm the same way, so I can't judge.
Am I the only one who thought Alice In Wonderland for the dream part with the tea??
You have a strong plot, but sometimes it seems like you're trying to force it a bit too much, like your story is trying to be something its not. Clearly you're very talented and if you let the story be itself it will be fantastic!
CammySI really like the story, but it feels like you are telling more than you are showing. Also, the lack of good paragraph breaks makes the story a little hard to follow. Really good plot otherwise, just a couple things to fix.
IMSteelI've only read a little, and the imagery and ideas are really great. It's just the way you sometimes pull things that were never there, and suddenly are into the story, I would recomend changing this, as it makes the reader trip over the story. Otherwise, it's really good! I'll read the rest later, keep writing!
PS. I'll let you know when my story gets approved so that you can read it.
E.J.MathewsI'm sure that this story is really great, but I don't have time to sit and read a novel. I still really want to carry through on my offer, and I really appreiciate you reading my work. Is there anything a little bit shorter you would want me to take a look at?
kbatraVery good... A few places where you spelled something wrong of forgot quotations, but over all an amazing story!
RumBelle said...
Mar. 3 at 4:41 pm:
Mar. 3 at 4:41 pm:
I love the overall moral to this piece. She learnes a lesson and finds the person she's looking for. It's a very creative way to tell a story. You really captured the dream through the vivid details. I also really love how the transitions were abrupt and jagged. If you think about it, if you are having a real dream, the transitions wouldn't be smooth. For me the funniest part was the penguins dancing Hammertime. Great job and good luck with your writing. I think this should get published because... (more »)
DeenaZaheer said...
Mar. 3 at 2:30 am:
Mar. 3 at 2:30 am:
Hey, I liked that your dream had those dancing animals! It reminded me of Alice in Wonderland. Freakish, yet with vivd delights. A delicious read.
Commenter said...
Feb. 18 at 10:59 pm:
Feb. 18 at 10:59 pm:
Really good and it wasn't hard to read at all. It was something I wouldn't mind buying one day in a store and keeping it in my bookself at home so I can have it to pick up again one day and re-read it. I consider this a 5 star story. :)
s g r u said...
Feb. 11 at 9:46 pm:
Feb. 11 at 9:46 pm:
gorgeous alex. i took a minute away from work to read the first page and was swept away!
well done you!!!
AugustoG said...
Feb. 11 at 1:14 pm:
Feb. 11 at 1:14 pm:
This is fantastic! I am in love! One of the best! Keep writing! Because you have a great talent!!!
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