Vollyball Tryouts

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I sprinted to the locker room and I didn't care if any teachers were watching, I just wanted to be on time, because I knew that this would be the best school day ever. (full circle ending) When I stepped into the locker room, girls were talking about the coaches and who is going to make what team, and whispering about things that happened during school and laughing about what might happen. (magic 3)

All of this that I am talking about is volleyball tryouts! It went on for 5 days after school, and everyday I kept getting more excited. I got so excited that it was like I won one million dollars from the lottery!! (figurative language) My two friends, Jenna and Katie were trying out too and I was so happy to see them! I liked tryouts because I was away from school work and away from pressure. (repetition for effect)One always wore her hair perfect and never really liked to yell like a coach. (hyphenated modifiers)

When I finally walked into the gym I could see girls working their hardest and I could smell their hot sweat throughout the gym and I could feel confidence in me and I could hear girls encouragements. (specific details for effect) I worked hard that whole week and on the last day of tryouts I invited Jenna over to find out with me. When we got to my house we called a certain number. When we called the number it said we made the A team!!!!! We were so happy that we screamed at the top of our lungs, and I was sure that the whole neighborhood could hear us screaming, both of our faces turned bright red like fresh apple! (expanded moment) My mom was happy for us to, she almost started screaming!!! Jenna and I went to go tell her mom the great news. Her mom was happy for us too.

On the next day of school we found out that Katie also maid the A team! We were all so happy. The reason we made that team is because we worked hard and never gave up!! And this was the best school day ever! (full circle ending)

After a few days it was our first practice and I was extremely excited, Jenna and Katie were too. Our first practice was great! The coaches were really nice and so were the girls on my team. My coaches said that I hustled a lot. I was so happy that I made the volleyball team, volleyball was so much fun!





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kellyd said...
Sept. 29, 2009 at 6:27 pm
This story was interesting and well written. I liked some words you chose but sometimes they turned into a run on sentence. Instead of saying and over and over again, you can put a period and start a new sentence. I enjoyed your figurative language in the line "Like I won one million dollars from the lottery!!" I am guessing that this happened to you because it is very descriptive and sounds a lot like tryouts I've had in the past. If not, then you made it sound like it happened. ... (more »)
 
Simcoviakk said...
Sept. 24, 2009 at 9:58 pm
I think this piece was well written. I liked the descriptive words used, for example, "I could smell their hot sweat throughout the gym..." I also found some minor errors. An example would be that you had the contraction "didn't" and it should be did not. I also found that you started a sentence with ABFONSY. The sentence had "And this was...", when you could simply say, "This was the best..." Overall, I thought this piece was excellent and I enjo... (more »)
 
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