Numbing

November 3, 2017

The numbing feeling inside me grows as figures pass by me. Children walking with their mother and father. Or when teens my age chat about the activities and dinners they had with their families. Each word about a family stabbed me. We became like a dandelion, where each fuz floats and drifts in its own way. Curiosity overflows me on how both of you are. I wish to feel the touch and warmth of you once more against my pale cold cheek. I wish I can laugh again when you would make a corny dad joke. I close my eyes and see us all. We are laying on top on the cool white steel hood of the truck. We glaze our eyes towards the midnight sky. Where the bright white crystals glistened against the dark abyss. Music soothed and made our minds wander as we huddled next to each other to keep ourselves warm against the harsh cold breeze which pierced our skin. THUMP. I awoke to the sound of a perfect sphered white and black ball that rolled towards me. A bittersweet smile came across my pasty face.


7 years ago
“Andale Diana” my mother laughed as she ran kicking the soccer ball.


“Jaja, papi ayudame” I chuckled as I tried to get towards the ball.


“Andale Diana, tu puedes” my dad grinned as he began to help me get the sphere with black pentagons that contrasted against the paperwhite background. We ran and played soccer across the green field which moved according to our movements. Laughs and grins filled the cheerful atmosphere.


“Ay Diana, mi chiquita kangaroo. Te amo mi bebe”, both my parents whispered softly to my ear as we collapsed on the green field. Our laughs went together in sync. I felt like our laughs could be heard up above the baby blue blanket above us.


I gazed my dark chocolate brown eyes toward the gray charcoal sky. It's all so hard to imagine that we were once a family. Or were we ever a family? The more I’ll like to think that we were, the more memories flood my mind. Painful memories of problems between the two of you. Sometimes I question the sanity when it comes to the both of you. I remember the near flashes of colorful bright neon lights almost hit me in the car. I feel the thumping of pain in my heart when I felt we wouldn’t make it to our destination. I want to know...tell me, did my safety ever pass through your mind as you were driving? Was your love towards me not strong enough? More like, wasn’t the love I would give to both of you not strong enough to maintain us as a family? I wonder at times that if I ever passed your mind also, as you took off at times knowing the dark aurora you would awaken if you did. Day by day, the gray sky becomes into a dark abyss of clouds and the flashing of lights, which creates more numbing.






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