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The Heart Wants What It Wants

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Since I was a child I’ve learned to love, and loving is what I have done. I was showed that life is an endeavor that I need not face alone; like Luis and Clark I could find someone to take with me on my journey through life. My whole life I’ve looked for that person to explore the world with, even to explore myself with. We meet so many people in our lives, thousands upon thousands, but what are the effects these people have unto you? An even better question, what is the effect you have unto them? Every day I think about this, how does the world perceive me? It really is something to ponder on occasion, for me those occasions are just slightly more often than most. When you meet someone what are the first thoughts running through your mind? First of all, you judge a person’s self worth through their dress, eye contact, hand shake, and vocal tones. In this moment of introduction your brain makes a decision, can I use this person in my life to help me in some way? Or is this person useless in the progression through your life. With this decision comes the progress of friendships, from some of those will sprout best friends, from those grows lifelong friends, and one seed you sowed so long ago will become a major staple in your life, almost a requirement. What I’ve noticed throughout my life is that there will be more than seed who sprouts, and for the rest of your life you will be searching plant by plant to find that one you can love and cherish for eternity. So why is this? Why can I not go by myself into this lifelong journey and smile without provocation? I hope to understand one day.


How do we find love? How do I know if they’re the right one? The term “love” has been so misconstrued it now is used more for an attraction to someone more so than the true word. What does love mean? Love is a learned and taught thing, love occurs through hardships and pain, love is the judgement of past occurrences allowing you to judge if that person can help you in the future. Love is a human trait allowing us to entrust someone with a critical life choice. When I hear those words “I love you” I never know if it is what they believe it to be. I love my parents because they got me through childhood to become the man I am, I need them because they taught me to be strong, but can you love a person in a matter of weeks to months? I guess that depends on theand for the rest of your life you will be searching plant by plant to find that one you can love and cherish for eternity. So why is this? Why can I not go by myself into this lifelong journey and smile without provocation? I hope to understand one day.

 

How do we find love? How do I know if they’re the right one? The term “love” has been so misconstrued it now is used more for an attraction to someone more so than the true word. What does love mean? Love is a learned and taught thing, love occurs through hardships and pain, love is the judgement of past occurrences allowing you to judge if that person can help you in the future. Love is a human trait allowing us to entrust someone with a critical life choice. When I hear those words “I love you” I never know if it is what they believe it to be. I love my parents because they got me through childhood to become the man I am, I need them because they taught me to be strong, but can you love a person in a matter of weeks to months? I guess that depends on the ? Every relationship is different, but every one of them has one thing in common, I wonder why I put time into it only to be hurt again. My body has been shot by the suffrage that is love, and I never know if I can take it anymore. That pain of laying on the floor, lethargic, where everything reminds me of her. I’ve finally reached that point where it doesn’t hurt anymore. I’ve reached that marker that what used to be pain is now replaced by this numbness. I no longer have the hunger for love, for affection, I’ve given up and now reached the leg of the race where relationships are disposable and don’t hurt me. Sure I’ve met some beautiful and perfect girls since that point, but not a single one has made me feel different about love. Well actually that is false, there was one girl my sophomore year, I fell for her in a matter of days. As I stated before it was not love (as love comes from time) but this physical craving for her, my body just wanted her so bad. When I saw her my legs would go weak and my voice cracked, but I couldn’t go for her, as she was with another man. After a while we got closer, and I really did fall in love with her. However I got to ballsy, and I allowed myself to slip and fall. We broke up almost immediately after, every day since has just been this sheer pain, knowing I gave her up for someone so meaningless. Now I see her every time I sleep, every time I close my eyes. The hurt fades but you never forget the first time you fall in love at first sight. Maybe love isn’t the right word, but that need for her was unlike anything. What did I learn from this, the bigger the bullet the harder you’ll fall.


So how can we protect ourselves from the hurt? From the pain? And if there is a way do I even want the resolution? Would I rather build my heart’s walls to the point of no return and allow no one in? Stopping the hurt and shots, or do I keep it open and accept the pain, which is better? I guess I’ve reached this middle ground of hope that isn’t quite alive nor dead; the glass isn’t half empty but it isn’t quite half full, it’s just there. I’m just waiting for that one day when I can find a girl who can pick up the shattered glass that was my heart and make something beautiful of it. I always think I’ve found her, and every time it’s just someone putting a band aid on that scar that they plan on soon ripping off. One day though, I’ll find my Bonnie to blast away the world with, the girl to show me the way to eternal smiles. Will I find her or die trying? Every day I meet so many amazing women, but who will it be? Do I know her? Have I loved her? Do I love her now? If you leave your heart open to everyone it does allow for pain, but only if you let it. If you allow that love to come in it really will. Love is a community that will build you up the more you let it. In relationships people say their walls are too large to allow anyone in, but by the time they learn to let that person in it’s already too far gone to be loved. Sometimes I wonder why I even try with dating anymore, I really do. Why should I feel the pain for some kisses and movies. Then I think of all those kisses and movies, how each one made me feel and how each one in the future will do the same. I think about how she used to smile when I walked over, how I would hand her her coffee and she would smile even bigger, how she would tiptoe to hug me, then I would brush the hair from her eyes and kiss her, those words would escape her lips “I love you” and the same would come of me. Love will make you miss a person so much because they become a part of your life you no longer can live without, like the pieces to a Jenga tower she is your stability. The hardest part is catching yourself even though you did lose your steady ground, it’s becoming your own concrete base that says “We’ve got this”. Day by day love will hurt you, willingly and easily, it will hurt you; how we let it hurt us is what changes the world. It hurts but just like a cut it will heal, sure you’ll see thescars and people in your future may even ask about how you got those emotional scars, but what matters is that you lived to tell the tale, you lived to fight on. In the words of a wise man “Life goes on, days get brighter” -Mac Miller, so keep on fighting and don’t let some bad times get you off track. Find that girl you can sweep off her feet and wipe away her tears, that girl that will stay with you for life, that one you want to make your wife. So next time you have that loaded .45 with cupids arrows locked and loaded ready to be handed to the next girl in line, make sure you tie your shoes because you might fall for her, but you’re sure as hell going to get up.






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