Ever get that sinking feeling in your chest? That heavy weight that settles against your heart, and presses against your chest, then settles right behind your sternum. There is a raw, itch at your eyes, your skin grows cold, your little hairs raise. Your limbs are heavy, and all you can do is.... Nothing.
Ever get that fire in your stomach? That insatiable flame that eats away at your organs, it seeps into your nerves, and every fiber lights up. You become painfully aware of the throbbing in your throat, there is a surge, and you're ready to fight. You either clench your jaw, in a stubborn line, or you break down and cry because it hurts too much, or you simply shut down. Depends on who you are I guess.
Ever get that sickening feeling in your mouth? That metallic taste, your mouth is dry, your stomach churns, and you want to punch someone or something. The surge you feel is a toxic mixture of loneliness and anger. You become aware of the dark thoughts that brew in your mind. You can only think about the thing or person that you lack... That you want.
Ever get that way? I know I have, more than once. What is equally sad is when you feel all that, all at once, and caused by the one person you NEVER thought was capable of causing such pain.
It is a jackhammer really. Loud, annoying, and it slams into your heart, repeatedly. What it is drilling at, I have no clue. I just know that the harder it pounds, the harder, the colder, the meaner, my heart becomes.
Ever get that way?
Ever feel like you have no one to trust and nowhere to go? You live in the shadows watching couples, and best friends since forever walk by you, and no one seems to see you. You try to wedge your way into a group, but there is no room for you. You cry loudly at night, but no one hears. You feel like, you could punch someone in the face, and they still wouldn't see you.
Ever get that way?
Funny, because I was describing myself.
Sad thing is, so many feel that way, so many think there couldn't possibly be anyone else like you. But, funny thing is, everyone is that way. No one has it all together, no one knows how to "even" we are all odd. We are broken and alone, and in this world, it is so easy to get lost.
Ever get that stillness? That peaceful river that washes over like a warm shower. It seeps into the cracks and seals you back together. You know the pain will be back, but at least right now, you have a balm. Right now, you can focus on stepping out of that shadow, of taming that fire and washing the metallic taste out of your mouth. You get stronger carrying that weight, but in the meantime, you teach yourself how to trust again, so when you notice someone sitting alone in the shadows, you can help them up. When they are ready too, they help you.
Ever get that way? I know I have.