Changes While Growing Up

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Dearest pen friend,            
                               

I hope that my letter finds you in good health. Not wanting to waste a single word on asking about you and your family's condition, I  would like to proceed to my topic of conversation straightaway.
                             

As you may recall, today's my sixteenth birthday. As usual even this year, I did not celebrate it with presents and friends. In fact, you are  the only one besides my parents who knows my birth date. I write today to let you know about my deepest insecurities. With every Spring that passes, I feel myself changing. Not that I mind it that much but I feel that during this process, I am leaving my childhood behind. It just seems like it was yesterday only when  I was a child who was always asking questions, questions that  do not hold any perfect answers. I recollect how I used to see and explore every aspect of the world with undeniable curiosity. When I was a free bird and not caged by the thoughts of society. When I could do anything that pleased me at whatsoever time I desired. When my laughter and happiness were the only two things that mattered most to my parents. Now I feel as if I am nothing but a slave to the thoughts of society. The beauty and wonder of the world has ceased to amaze me. I seldom stop to smell the beautiful jasmine flowers during the month of  March.Then there's one more thing :  I am starting to hate the criticism of society, the same society that used to praise my every little deed and not judge me. I am starting to wonder,  am I slowly turning into one of those old, uninterested, boring grownups as mentioned in The Little Prince? I don't like these new changes in me at all.

 

With new emotions of selff-consciousness, hatred and jealousy, I fear that I am turning into a villain of my own life. All I want to do now is to rediscover the feelings of childhood, but for some reason  I can't. Today morning, I found my fifth grade diary. As I went through it's worn-out pages, I couldn't seem to reconnect to the feelings mentioned in my old diary. I couldn't feel the magic that I thought I would feel by simply flipping through it's pages. I couldn't feel The feeling of being a child at all. Is this what change is about? If growing up means changing the beliefs and curiosities that you had as a child then what's the point of growing up? Childhood is a beautiful period of curiosity and ignorance. It is indeed a masterpiece in the canvas of our lives. Changing the very beliefs and curiousities that have shaped my life is something that seems  horrendous to me and yet I cannot stop this process. With every passing day, I feel less and less curious. I  feel less interested in the world around me. I feel my opinions towards many aspects of the world are changing  and yet I can be  nothing but be  a silent observer of my own life. I don't want to change but time is forcing me to change everything: the way I think, the way I see and the way I feel.
              

I am in a desperate need of a guide, Pen pal.  We may live in the opposite  two corners of the world but I feel emotionally nearer to you than anyone. Our three years of friendship through these letters has made me trust you and your judgment. I hope  that you will not let me down. Till the next letter, Goodbye.
                                                                    

Your desperate pen-pal,
                                                                     

A girl in dilemma






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