Life never goes as planned. Sometimes it all goes to hell the second you least expect it.  For my whole life making friends was the most difficult thing to do. My friends were all teachers and no one else and I was somehow fine with that. That was until middle school. By the time the second week was over I had a small group of friends and it was amazing.  They were just like me, anti-social and lonely. Although I didn't mind being alone I loved everyone who dealt with me and were there for me. Everything was perfect. Who am I kidding. Nothing is ever perfect. Nothing.  I was on the highest mountain. However, I slipped.  I kept sliding and sliding.  I couldn't stop myself.  I just kept going down never stopping and no one was there to save me except, well, me.  Help.

“Jane hurry up you're so slow,” Elithabeth yelled. I couldn't help but notice the annoyed expression on her face.
“I...I am...TRYING,” words slipped out through each breath, “I HATE...RUNNING.” Finally I caught up to Lauren who was standing next to Molly. They both had huge smirks on their faces. Ha, thats a first.  Seeing them both filled with joy, I couldn’t help but grin along with them. The trees surrounded us.  Everyday during recess they would got to the area past the swings and all the people to just talk. The piercing screams of other student on the playground even from over here was hard to talk over. The scent of dirt and disgusting, old pond water was overwhelming.

“So why are you so happy,” I couldn't help but be curious.
  “We’re...dating,” Molly mumbled with a little giggle
My face lit up with excitement. They have been my OTP (One True Pair) since I found out they both liked each other. They made me promise not to tell the one another.  A high pitched squeal escaped my mouth destroying everyone's eardrums in the process.  Jumping up and down with excitement really takes it out of you.

Then, the one moment I wish I could stop from happening.  The one thing that started the trouble everyone I know went through.  The moment my dream went to a horrifying nightmare.  They hugged.  So what they hugged? People saw them hug. So what's so bad about that?  For some reason people can't stand 2 girls who are dating to hug. The unknown person when to the office and told Mr.Goeler that 2 girls that are dating hugged. So what's the bigged deal?   They both got misconducts and 2 days of I.S.S. for hugging. Apparently they showed a public display of affection which is against school rules. However, it doesn't say that anywhere. Not in the handbook, The school website, no where.

Lauren's mom got called in to talk to Molly's parents.  They were forced to come out as gay and tell their parents they were dating. Lauren's mom is a huge homophobe and grounded her for being gay hoping that it would change something. While Molly's parents didn't care about anything she did.  A feud started between them eventually causing them to break up. All of their sadness and sorrow was placed onto me.  Not only did I have a bully to worry about at this time but I had their hatred on me too. What did I do to deserve this. Both of my suicidal, depressed friends were finally happy but the school pried that away from them.  My hate towards this school grew and grew and it's only 5th grade.  I couldn’t not help them they were both my friends and they are being teared apart from each other with me trying to piece them back together. Having this mindset lead me to a dark place with no exit all in solitary. I bit of more than I could chew and there was no place to run.

There is only one word to describe my 5th grade massacre and that word is red.  Red is the color of anger, passion, hate, and fire.  Only could see this disgusting color.  It was the color inside me everyday trying to break out.  Everyday getting more vivid.  Using all my strength to keep this color from escaping.  Doing this cause any color I had left to fade. It faded into a blue and black.  Blue the color of sorrow, regret, and melancholy. Black the color of nothing at all. Just an endless void of just nothing. Soon this navy blue just turned to black.

Finally, after another long school day, I was home alone. All I wanted to do was jump in bed and sleep.  But when does anything happen in my favor.  Of course I had to let the dog out and empty the dishwasher. Oh well, no need to start a fight about it. When the door opened a breeze of freezing cold air enter my house making the hairs on the back of my neck shoot up. The hallway in between the door and the kitchen seemed endless as I wandered down it. The air smelled crisp from the draft that had sneaked it way into the room. The chilled wooden floor made my bare feet numb.  By the time the kitchen was a foot away the dog was scratching the door making my face cringe at what sounded like nails on chalkboard.  Back to wandering toward the door. The dog had been let out all I had to do was empty the dishwasher. Forks, check, spoons, check, plates, check, cups, check, knifes?  I had no control at this point. The butcher's knife rose up and was aimed at my heart.

The tears dropped one by one of my seemingly soulless face onto the cold wooden floor as the knife was looking directly at  my heart.  Air filled into my lungs before holding my breath. The blade stopped again at the front of my chest. Too many thoughts overflowed my head leaving me dizzy and confused.  Too many problem and not enough happiness.  It was like half of my body was trying to stop the other and I didn't know whose side I was on.  The knife was ready to kill me. My phone was silent unlike the calls from Molly telling me she crying again and trying to calm her down.  I don't know how to deal with this stuff and I should have to. What do I do I'm not a therapist how do I help her.  Caught in an endless loop of sadness and no feeling at all.  No more, no more. The blade wound up for what I though was the last time.  The second it touched the middle of my chest I could feel a cut opening before stopping myself again. It felt like all my pain was being sucked out along with my life.

My thoughts started to run wild as the stinging began, My mom and sister would find my body lying on the floor with the life extracted from my body through the now red knife.  My sister would start sobbing and my mom would be frozen with single tears running down her face.  Both of them would be wondering what happened and why I would do this.  I was always so happy and it would be so unexpected.  Three days later my family would have my funeral.  My 3 year old brother would be told that I had to go away and I wouldn't be coming back.  Through the service my newborn brother would be sleeping while my dad and stepmom yell at my mom for leaving me home alone for an hour and letting this happen. This would cause my older sister to sob and scream at them both for fighting at a time like this. My uncle would sing Amazing Grace like he always does at funerals for my family.  He would be standing in front of my cold pale body with a little white dress on.  Roses and cards would surround my coffin. It would be a day of grief for ever to come. During my mom's speech she would mention how she always told me that it's her job to keep me safe and if anything happened to me she would fail her one job as a mother.  The knife dropped to the floor along with my knees. My hands covered my eyes as water gushed out to the end of my nose onto my pants I quickly put the knife away and ran upstair to my bed with tears getting absorbed my pillow.

Later I told my older sister about what happened that dreadful day.  She looked at me disapprovingly saying, “No 5th grader should have to go through that.  It was wrong for your fiends to drag you into that.” Even though I don't really agree with her in the sense that my friends shouldn't ask me to help for things a serious as this I still understand her feelings and thank her for trying to understand.  Even though she doesn't believe that they could truly like girls at this age and be depressed most of the time she forgot that and tried to help me which is all I care about.

The next day went slow making me have to sit through all my classes and lunch with both Molly and Lauren glaring at each other. Throughout the whole day I tried to hold in my tears and the story of what happened the day before. Somehow I manage to stop everything from spilling out. The second I get off the bus I ran inside my house directly upstairs where I took a 13 hour nap till the next morning missing dinner and the night.  Sadly I had to stay in agony ny dealing with the same school, friends, classes the next day.

It was an endless loop of school day after day trying to hold everything back. It a was a recurring dream only it was the worst nightmare.  Just the same day again and again a numberless amount of times with no way to save myself. I just keep falling with no way to fly. If only I told someone sooner I wouldn’t have been trapped inside this hell for another year.  It was as if I had to walk around with a bullet in my heart and a lurking shadow around me. No one can help you if you don't tell them what happened. You need to stand up and take action by saving yourself I didn't know this.  The ball was in my court and I did nothing with it.  No one knew about anything that happened for me. I’m the only person that can save me.  Run and save yourself, “Get off the ledge and drop the knife Not a victim of a victim's life Because this ain't a room full of suicides We're believers, I believe tonight We can leave this world, leave it all behind We can steal this car if your folks don't mind We can live forever if you've got the time If you save yourself tonight, If you save yourself tonight”