Absentee Daddy

August 8, 2016

You constantly pick at my flaws. My height, my weight, my grades, my job, how smart I am, my SAT scores, marrying a man. Look at me, I am still a child. I am a kid and you are worried about me marrying a man? I have wanted your attention all my life, but if I knew that I would have only acquired a negative form of attention I would have stayed invisible. I ask you what my favorite color is, you can't answer, I ask you what my favorite movie is, you can't answer, I ask you who my favorite singer is, you can't answer, I ask you who my girlfriend is, yet again you can't answer. Do you know why that is? I do. It's because you don't know me. I may be your daughter but you don't know me. Daddy-daughter dates? Daddy-daughter dances? Memories with my daddy? None. none. Again none. You think you know me but you have no idea who I really am. I remember you leaving my mom. I remember you losing many of your jobs. I remember you marrying an abusive woman. I remember you never being there. First day of school? First heartbreak? First job? First love? You were never there. You gave me very few things in life. The things you gave me were a misconstrued version of love, happiness, and family. To me, you are nothing but a provider. You didn't know I had a girlfriend for five months of our relationship. Do you remember the first thing you told me when I told you? "You know you're going to find a husband when you're older right?" It killed me. You didn't accept the woman I fell in love with. Did you know that put a major strain on our relationship because you didn't accept her? You showed me love was abusive withholding power from the significant other. isolation. Anger. You showed me love was angry. love shouldn't be angry. Why can't you love me? Why can't you accept me? Why can't I be me without judgment from you? You made me an angry person. I hate myself because of you. I hate my way with people, I hate my body, my brain, but you know what? I'm over it because I love who I am. I am in love with an amazing girl who loves me for everything that I am. I am unique and I love more than most people can. I am the most compassionate person many people know, so thank you, father, for showing me everything I never want to be.

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