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It was always her

By , Olympia Washington, WA

When I first saw her, I knew that she was beautiful. I noticed it, the way that you would notice if your house was on fire or if your little sister got kidnapped; you've heard stories about it, but you find yourself in shock because it's never been affiliated with you before. She was the first really beautiful person to be a significant part of my life. Sure, I'd seen pretty girls before, and I'd pined for more than one. I just never expected for it to be anything more than that, much less for one of them to notice me. And I never EVER would have thought that someone as effortlessly stunning as her would sit across from me and strike up a conversation. It was mostly her making small talk and me sitting there, stunned, but she either didn't notice or just didn't care. I'll never forget how eager I was to learn everything there was to know about this witty, gorgeous girl. Little did I know she would turn out to be more than a pretty face. As I got to know her, we became friends and I suffered. I suffered so much.
I wish I had never fallen for her. It's only ever been impossible.
She changed her clothes, got new shoes, started to talk to people more, and continued to be oblivious to her own perfection. She was still awkward, but she somehow managed to be even more infuriatingly flawless because of it. I found myself looking at her for much longer than I should have, and not thinking about much else. I was always mystified and completely consumed by her ability to get away with anything: wearing whatever she wanted without caring one bit about what people would think, letting her crazy hair fly, and going makeup-free every day (except for that one day she wore green eyeliner). She could do whatever she wanted, and all I would ever do - all anyone would ever do - was love her. I covered my tracks with hasty alibis and false crushes, all of them flimsy and all of them just believable enough to keep my secret.
I remember one day in particular.
It was the day I really realized that there was never going to be anything between us, and also the day I realized I was in love with her. It was cold and wet, and I was dressed for sun, but when she offered to bring me home, I couldn't. I walked home in the rain, but I didn't care. I couldn't spend another minute with her knowing it was a lost cause.




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