"Combobulated" | Teen Ink

"Combobulated"

July 26, 2015
By marao BRONZE, Natick, Massachusetts
marao BRONZE, Natick, Massachusetts
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
If nothing goes right, go left.


With a sick feeling in my stomach, I frantically looked around for a sign, a familiar face, anything to guide me to my destination. Manurathna, my volunteer coordinator, was out of sight and I was all alone, dependent only on myself to continue my internship day at the hospital.
   

It was summer of 2013 when I visited India for the first time in twelve years. Not only was I meeting dozens of family members I had never seen before, but I was also working at my great granduncle’s hospital in Chennai, India called Sankara Nethralaya. As the great grandniece of the man called “Chief” by the hospital’s employees, I was unnerved by my conspicuousness. The prospect of a whole slew of people judging me-- aunts, uncles, cousins, hospital workers, and visitors-- filled me with anxiety that I was hoping to overcome during my time in the hospital.
   

At the moment, I was failing to overcome this anxiety. The area outside of the hospital where people ate lunch was teeming with hundreds of employees and visitors. As I precariously took a step into the pool of people purposefully walking with paper plates filled with food in their hands, I changed my mind and changed direction, and of course bumped into a stout, older woman. As I incessantly apologized, I realized she did not have the faintest idea of what I was saying as she gave me a confused frown, hitched up her sari, and waddled away with her food. I was in a new country, filled with many people who did not speak English. As I internally cursed myself for not paying more attention to Manurathna’s directions on my first few days at the hospital, I could not hold back my disappointment in the fact that I was completely discombobulated.
   

Discombobulated. It’s a funny word. Why discombobulated? Since dis is usually a prefix that means “not,” doesn’t that mean that combobulated should be defined as “calm, alert, and aware”? Although it is not something I love to admit, this confusing word can accurately describe my life. It was not just in India that I felt scattered; even in my everyday life, I often feel- and seem- rather frantic. The constant unattainable feeling to always be good at academics, piano, flute, be a good daughter, sister, friend and just be good at life in general, a universal feeling, is always weighing on my shoulders and has never helped to dispel this feeling of discombobulation.
   

I rushed back inside to the air-conditioned hospital to try to find someone to help me find the Out Patient Department, where I would be continuing my third day interning. Again, the inside was quite crowded and I saw administration sitting behind a desk speaking to a multitude of people and I had a nagging feeling in me that said that I did not want to go ask them for directions. However, as I pushed away the excuse in my mind that “they were busy,” I marched up to the administration to ask for directions. Smiling, a woman there reassured me that it was easy to get confused in this large hospital and gave me the directions. I listened attentively.
   

As I walked to my destination, I realized that the lady was right-- the place was confusing. It’s okay that I was confused. Everyone feels discombobulated at some point. Even going through life is just a process of trial and error, and finding the right people to help along the way. Other people are clearly looking out for me. It is just my personal responsibility to have faith in myself and take the leap to quell my doubts and fears. And with the right people by my side and confidence in myself, I don’t have to be completely discombobulated. As a matter of fact, I might just be able to be “combobulated.”


The author's comments:

I wanted to write about a time when I felt rather lost, which I know is a feeling everyone goes through at some point or another. I felt that this one experience in India captured that moment well, and wanted to put down in writing.


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