Starting early on in my childhood, my self-image has been skewed. I grew up thinking that I was fat and ugly rather than strong and beautiful like all of the other children. To me, I was an outcast.

I’ve always felt that way, it has become natural. I tried working out and eating better but I couldn’t lose weight. I couldn’t be pretty enough. I couldn’t be thin enough. I couldn’t be good enough. And so came on the bullying. Ranging from whispers in the hallway to being circled by a group of seventh-grade boys chanting “lose some weight, get a date”, changing my mindset wasn’t too easy. The bullying started in third grade when another girl went up to me and went “you know you’re fat, right?” and ever since then it continued. I was convinced that no one would love me if I kept looking the way that I did but it took me years upon years to finally realize how false that actually was.

My sophomore year I began to get suicidal thoughts and self-harm tendencies from the stress of school among other things. I was sent to a psychiatric hospital for seven days and the mix between stress binging and the new medications, I gained ten pounds. Shortly after the hospital, I underwent a major knee surgery which forced me to be bed-ridden for over a month. Being sedentary for this long allowed me to gain over ten more pounds. I remember going up to the mirror for the first time in a month and fully seeing my body. I had transformed. And so the purging began. It started to occur only after binges but slowly started to happen every time I ate. I did a good job at hiding this from my friends and family until one day my friend overheard me throwing up in a bathroom stall at school. She showed genuine concern and helped me realize that I don’t have to be in this alone. She helped me realize that people cared.

Bulimia is not an easy thing to end. It takes a lot of time and self-control, which I thankfully was able to pick up on quickly. it took me a few more months to phase out of my bulimia, but with my friend by my side it was a lot easier.

I am glad that I went through what I did. It makes me who I am and it made me much stronger than I was before. Although going through bulimia isn’t the best memory to have, it’s here with me and I all can do now is embrace it.