My dearest Randy R,

My heart will be forever yours. You’ll always have a piece of my heart.  After what we went through, every time I saw you, I fell for you again. I remember in the beginning of the year, Isis told me she found you attractive and I TOTALLY disagreed but you grew on me and I swooned.  Wearing that fuzzy sweater was the best decision I ever made because you came up to me in sixth period and asked me if you could feel it.  I wish I could tell you that I walked home that day and didn’t even care that you touched my arm and that I wasn’t sweating my ass off in that sweater but it happened, my ass nearly fell off and I thought of you the whole way home. After that, we started talking in fourth period and we’d sing to each other. The first time you ever spoke my name, I was in shock. I mean you KNEW my name. In Romero, I’d see you talk to Stephanie and thought  “that’s his type of girl, not me.” 

But around late October, we, like I said, started talking. You automatically made me so happy.  Our first kiss plays on repeat clearly whenever I think of you. We met at our usual spot after we were dismissed to dress for p.e and we were just talking and you went to kiss my cheek but it kind of landed near the start of my mouth. We looked at each other and I went in to kiss you. Now. It wasn’t like open mouthed with tongue kiss, it was closed mouth peck that lasted for like two seconds. I don’t remember your exact words but I think it was along the lines of “that’s awesome.”  We had fourth period Physical Education and sixth period World History together. After that two-second kiss I told about three people in five minutes, I barely told anyone that my first kiss with Victor happened.  So in my fifth period drama class I told only two people, Michaela and Maddie. Now granted that at the time I barely knew Michaela and thought she hated me and she thought I was this girl who was stupid. She’s my best friend in the whole world now. Maddie was a close friend, she was in my photography class freshman year and we talked only once or twice, I kind of stuck to her because she was the only familiar face. She and I aren’t really friends anymore. By the way, Michaela hated you from the start. She has the superpower ability to sense bad guys and I have the superpower ability not to listen to her. Ok, so anyways from that moment on we would meet up at our usual spot and we’d kiss and s***.  I sang to you some Jennifer Lopez song and used your name in it and you did the same. When Ms. Hart decided to play a game involving a compass (boring and stupid), we had to stay in a straight horizontal line on the field. I had to go throw something in the nearby trashcan because I usually brought some sort of snack or drink out to class. So, I walked to the can and on my way back to line, you started singing me the song, “ the way Jazmin walks, the way Jazmin talks.”

It might have been the same day or it could have been another day, but, all I know is that I was a little sweaty and we were on the field, I was talking to Lexzene and you called me over to grab your hand to help you up. When you grabbed my hand you pulled me down so that I would lie on top of you. Naturally, we kind of missed; half my body landed on you.  It seemed that maybe so far our weird relationship was filled with bad timings. What if our time together was just bad timing? If we hadn’t experienced those three months together…would we eventually have a “time together”…would that time last longer than three months? What if something tragic happened if we did meet at later time? I made sure on days you were out drinking that you were safe. If something came on the news around where you were, I texted you and when you replied,“ I’m safe, Jazmin. Thank you.” I smiled because my Randy was safe.

I miss you every day. There isn’t a day that passes that something wont remind me of you. I pass by my old house and I remember when we sat and talked outside. When I’m walking home and I walk onto the beginning of the sidewalk where I stood on when you kissed me for the twentieth time that day. I was finally taller than you and you couldn’t even let me have that win. I kissed you and I missed and I loved you.

Nothing hurt more than you leaving and ignoring me. I had to suffer alone, Randy. You got to kiss other girls while I cried. You got high while I slept in your sweater having nightmares of you leaving me over and over again.  I try to move on but you have a hold on me. Ill stand in the cafeteria dreaming you’ll walk pass me but you aren’t or when I walk around at lunch, I think ill see you eating with your friends near the dance room. I try to distract myself with acting but all I can think about is that if I hadn’t messed up everything, you would sit front row watching me in the play. I’m never going to have that.

We’d be having our nine-month anniversary.

But now all I can think about is December 2013.
The month we had our last kiss.
And I can still smell your cologne on me and your lips on mine. 

Sincerely, truly, and always yours,

JBM