Panic clouds my good judgement, and my heartbeats steady pace suddenly becomes rapid and inconsistent. This feeling, has become a daily occurrence, hitting me right when I have my guard down, right when I think I’ve gained control of its possessive ways. But then you show up and the panic, regret, and self hatred demands to spill onto the surface. It takes everything I’ve got to mask it and keep it from showing on my face. You smile, I fake a smile. You laugh, I force a giggle. Your smile is genuine and real. My smile is an endless void filled with nothing but lack of hope and lies. I’m setting you up. I’m playing you along. I don’t swoon when I glance at you anymore. I don’t find it easy to talk to you anymore. I don’t want to be with you anymore. I pretend to feel as you do, but I’m constantly trying to feel that connection that I felt, way back when. I desperately want to go back to when we first met. To when we were awkward and stupid. But awkward and stupid beats fake and regret, by a mile. You wear your heart out in the open for everyone to see, you are proud to show it off. But as for me, my heart has been buried in a location unknown to even me. An empty darkness fills the empty space where my heart should lay, but doesn’t. And as I look up into your love-filled eyes, I wonder is it really so bad to pretend, when pretending makes someone else happy?