When we sleep, it’s our one chance to escape reality. All of the drama and anxiety we face just drifts away as we do into a deep sleep. But what if, while we are sleeping, our reality catches up with us?

It’s been a long time since I’ve thought about you. It’s been an even longer since I’ve had feelings for you. But for some reason, even now, you still get into my head. Here’s the thing: I don’t want to hold back. In fact, my goal is for you to know this is about you within the first ten seconds you read this. I went weeks without your name even popping into my head. It was easy to forget about you. I deleted every message, every picture- even the Halloween one you asked me to keep- I blocked you on everything. Even the movie tickets. You asked me to just keep the first one because it was our first date. But I got rid of that, too. You see, I don’t want to think about you. In fact, I truly do wish that I had never met you. Sure you were my best friend and made me happier than I had ever been in my life. But learning afterwards that I meant nothing to you, and that you felt nothing for me, wasn’t worth being that happy. It’s bad enough I have to see you every hour at school, but even then I don’t think about you. I just walk on by like you meant even less to me than I meant to you. I highly doubt it even bothers you, but it feels good knowing that I don’t need you anymore. So if I’m over you, and I don’t even want anything to do with you anymore, how did you get into my dream?

In my dream, I went back to that night when everything changed. I was standing in Carrie's bedroom watching everything happen like I was watching a movie. I watched us on facetime while Carrie sat in the background. I watched my phone light up when I got your text, “I’ve always liked you and I was going to tell you today and I was wondering if you would go out with me?” While watching everything, I smiled. Until I noticed something: it wasn’t me holding my phone and smiling at your text. It was her. Your new, beautifully flawless girlfriend. She was in my place. And I watched her. Then the dream faded, and I was at school.

When I saw the benches, and saw you with your arm around me, I knew exactly what it was: it was our first kiss- my first kiss-. I was extremely relieved to see that it was just us. But that memory rolled out just like how it happened. I was looking away and I looked at you for a second, then you just leaned in and kissed me. It was a quick kiss, but it was still a kiss. When you pulled away though, it was her. I saw how quickly it changed from me to her. I won’t lie, when she appeared, you smiled a little more than I remembered.

The dream faded into the next. And guess where we were next? Your house on Halloween. I was sitting in one of the chairs in your drive way around the fire while I watched us playing soccer on the side of your house. The “dream me” kicked the ball behind a tree and you went to get it. You were back there for a while and then you whispered my name and told me to come closer. So I did. We weren’t in view of anyone else. It was just us in the dark on the side of your house. Then you put your hand on my shoulder and kissed me. That was the first real kiss and whenever I think of it, it happens in slow motion. That’s what it did in the dream: play out slowly. And when we both opened our eyes after the kiss, guess who I saw in my place? Next dream.

The first date. The movies. Or as I remember better, the first time you said “I love you” and the first time we really kissed. I saw us sitting there: me leaning on your chest with your arm around me. During the movie we were talking and then you just whispered in my ear and said “I love you.” I should’ve said it back, but I was too happy and surprised to even think. After you said that though, you kissed my forehead. I was nervous watching the dream because I was waiting for her to pop in, but she didn’t. Not until you asked if you could kiss me. Remember that? You kept asking if you could kiss me and I was so nervous that I just kept saying, “after this part.” But I gave in eventually because I really wanted to kiss you. I turned my head to look at you and you put your hand on my cheek and started to lean in. Call me cheesy, but while I was watching everything, I felt that kiss, too. And I was happy. But of course, when you pulled back, she was there again as me. I clenched my jaw and just shut my eyes waiting for the next dream to come.

Second date, which was also the movies. There we were cuddling just like in the first date except we really didn’t even watch that movie. It was nice to watch us kiss again because it was actually us, but then it stopped. I put my head on your shoulder and closed my eyes. When I opened them, she was there and she leaned up to whisper in your ear, “I love you.” And you looked at her and said it back. That really got me. It was one thing for her to be loved by you, but it was a completely different thing for her to take my love away from you. I couldn’t watch anymore. So we went to the next dream.

It’s the day of Christmas break, I watch you coming down the hallway while I have your present in hand. You hand me mind and we both start to open them. That bracelet became a part of me after that. As soon as you gave it to me, I didn’t take it off. It took a few weeks after the break up for me to get rid of it. That bracelet was everything to me after we broke up. But I looked at you and told you that I loved it. You took the bracelet and put in on my wrist: her wrist because that’s when she decided to pop in. you put my bracelet on her. By then, I really wanted to wake up, but there were a few more milestones in our relationship that I knew we still had to go through.

The day after Christmas. Another movie date. Of course we didn’t just go to the movies, but those were the most memorable dates. Until the last one but that’s a story for a different time. This movie was different. We were alone. None of your friends had to sit around us so we could actually just enjoy the company of one another in that first row. That day, was the utter most happiest day of my life. While wrapped in your arms, I looked up at you and you looked down at me. For a while you just looked into my eyes, smiling. Then you put your hand on my cheek and I felt it just like I did that day. Except at last, it was her there in my seat. You were looking into her eyes and said “I Love you” and she said it back. You then leaned in and kissed her. It’s one thing for her to be loved by you, and it’s another thing for her to take my love away from you, but to take my happiest moment away from me, hurt the most so far. Though it was only my subconscious doing this to me, that ruined my happiest memory.

The last date. The last time I saw you before you decided that you didn’t love me anymore. My best memory was taken away from me, so going into this one I was already ruined. I wasn’t very good at ice skating so I sat for a while. You came and sat next to me. I told you to go skate with your friends and have fun. I don’t know why, but for some reason what you said next was the second best thing you ever said to me. “I don’t know when I’ll be able to see you next, so I want to spend as much time as I can with you. I just want to be with you.” That’s right. Those were your actual words and they meant so much to me. I couldn’t help it and I just hugged you so tight. When we pulled back, she was there and you said to her, “let’s get out of here.” And I watched you take her to the hallway in the arcade where we went. I watched you put your arms around her and kiss her while she put her arms around your neck. I watched you hug her so close to you and say, “I wish the two of us could just stay like this forever.” And I remembered thinking then that we were going to be together for a long time because when you looked at me, you looked at me like you were terrified of losing me. Believe me; I was just as terrified of losing you. My nightmare finally ended and instead my subconscious was just talking to me. I realized a lot.

We can never go back to the way things were. Too much has happened and too much has been said. I’m not sure if you meant it when you said that you never loved me, but I’ll take your word for it. In fact, I hope she makes you happier than I did. And I hope that you make something right with her. Because I truly am done with you now. I’m not even hurt anymore. I will always care about you. Not the person who you are today because the boy I fell in love with would never hurt his best friend. You’re just another face now. A face, that within time, I’ll just completely forget.