These Memories Made Me

January 22, 2014
I’m not even going to lie about how big of a mess I used to be. Like, honestly. I’m not going to drag it out for attention and play the whole “I was on the verge of being dead in a ditch with cocaine in my nose and stripper heels on my feet” because I wasn’t like that at all. Okay, maybe the cocaine part. (Kidding. Seriously, just kidding). But I don’t wanna act like I’ve had my s*** together for very long either, because that would be tricking all of you into thinking I have always been a down-to-earth, realistic, well-grounded person. And I wasn’t. (I don’t think I really am now either!)

Not to go all “normal teen sob story” on you, but I made a few bad decisions. The one that started it all would probably be the first time I ever broke the barrier between what should stay in my head and what should be said out loud, which resulted in a punch in the mouth, a suspension from school, and a transfer. However, I’ve never regretted that memory. It led me to Mont Harmon, a handful of friends who are still part of my life today, late night adventures, missed curfews, and more girlfriends than my dad could probably handle.

I made the mistake of envisioning my future a perfect way, and then falling apart when I decided to go North instead of South.

I made the mistake of believing everyone and everything was good in a hateful, confusing world.

Most importantly, I made the mistake of holding on to someone I shouldn’t have even wanted to be around. Not to sound like a self-respect book or your mother, but you really shouldn’t ever settle for less than you deserve. And I did. For a realllyyyyy long time. And I guess all the dumb adults are right when they tell you that you should never rush into a relationship until you are ready. Which obviously I wasn’t, because I probably would’ve been able to see the warning signs, or pull myself out, or listen to what my million friends were trying to tell me. But even looking back at it, I’ve never regretted that horrible memory either. I mean, yeah I wish it had never happened. And I wish things would have gone a lot differently. But it brought me true friends, ones that even J.K. Rowling or Stephen Chbosky couldn’t even write of. I found out that basements, basketball courts and video games solved everything. (Alcohol occasionally too, but I wouldn’t suggest drinking with other sad people, because you all end up crying yourselves to sleep). It made me realize all the good people saw in me. It showed me which friends were willing to pick me up and drive me around until midnight just to stop me from talking or crying or picking up my phone. I It taught me how to play 2K12 just as good as the boys. And most of all, I realized who would be there for me when no one else was.

Forever, I honestly tried to get rid of all the bad memories. Like…I was embarrassed of them. And I hated to admit that I wasn’t all put together. And then I realized that without every bad moment or bad memory, I’d probably still be floating on some cloud in my own little world where I thought good things always happened, and I was invincible, and sparkles and ponies and puppies were all I’d ever have in my life. (Spoiler Alert of Life: ”The world is not a wish-granting factory”). So even though everyone tells you to smile through all the bullshit and laugh at the bitches…it’s okay to walk with tears through the halls or give your enemy a dirty look (just don’t let them punch you in the face). Because really, It’s okay not to be okay. Eventually, you will be. And from all you were trying to forget, you will be made.





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