Failure. What does that even mean? Does it mean you are no good at anything? Failure is defined as the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success. But that is not me right?

I am a senior in high school. I have gotten honor roll every marking period since the end of ninth grade. I do exceptionally well in all of my classes. I am not a problem child. I was homeless for the better part of my junior year, and placed on suicide watch yet still held my grades at A’s and B’s. But why do I feel like such a failure? Why do I feel like I am not meeting desirable goals and objectives? Why do I feel as if I am disappointing everyone? Maybe I’m not meeting my own goals. Or maybe I am and I’m not meeting other’s goals. That’s what it is. I am doing what I want with my life not what other people want. I am “taking an easy road out”. When in all reality I am taking the hardest route in.
Sure, I didn’t apply to University of Delaware. Sure my SAT’s were slightly below the national average, and I didn’t retake them. But I have other plans for my life. After all it is my life not anyone else’s. Right? Then why again do I feel like I am failing in everyone’s eyes? Yes, I wanted to be a nurse for a while, and I still do. But I also want to explore being a paramedic or EMT. I want to save lives with my own hands, not always assist a doctor in doing so. Now that I am a fire fighter I have had the chance to explore these options further. I can take classes through the firehouse and attend Del- Tech to receive my paramedic certification. I mean I am already a step there. I have been CPR and AED certified since I was about 5. That should have been a bell ringer right then and there. What 5 year old is CPR AED certified, and actually for real not faked?

But once again, I feel like a failure. Sure I applied to Wilmington University, Del- Tech, and some college in Virginia. But I had so many chances and choices of places to apply and I didn’t take any of them. Not one. Why didn’t I take the chances? I guess maybe my heart made up its own mind when I joined the fire company. Maybe I really do want to be an EMT or Paramedic. Maybe that’s my fate. But I am going to disappoint so many people by only going to college for two years and getting my associates degree. It is my life though. Why does what o choose matter to them? Its what I want to do.

This is my life. What I do with it is my choice. If someone has a problem with what I want to do with it, then they may gladly take their “friendship” find the exit sign to my life and drag their feet to the door. I am going to do what makes me happy. And if what makes me happy is two years of college and a national board certification as a paramedic then that is what I am going to take. No one but me, myself, and I control my life. Clearly there are amazing things out there for me to do, and I plan to explore them and find out just what they are.