Human, we need to talk. I tried talking to you verbally, but you merely shook your head and said, "Such a dumb cat. Meows for no reason." So I am forced to use this thing you call a laptop.

You do not seem to grasp the concept of feeding me. When my bowl is empty, it means that you should drop everything right then and feed me. Remember that your master is a carnivorous creature and it is not a wise idea to starve him. Oh, you're having a bad day? Well, it'll get worse if you don't feed me right away. I also have noticed that your definition of "empty" and mine are very different. I have tried correcting you by telling you when my bowl is empty. But you insist on filling on my bowl only when I am about ready to chew your head from hunger.

You also seem to think that I am some sort of prisoner. I have very important work in the outdoors and preventing me from meeting with my special agents is not helping your cause. For some reason, you think you have the right to scold me when I am trying my best to get my duty done.

I must also mention the stack of beds you keep walking on. Every once in a while I'll be disturbed in the middle of the night because you decided that walking down my beds was a good idea. How dare you accuse me of assassination when you're the one who nearly killed me! Really, it's outrageous. And if I wish to play on my bed, that's my priority. I cannot be held responsible for the damage done to your foot when you interrupt me in my play.

And about these races we have . . . . The point of them is to let me win. And when I decide that the race is over, it's over. There's no need for you to continue running. In fact, it's rather detrimental. The last time we had a race and I ended it, you nearly fell on top of me. Do you know what will happen if you fall on me? You'll crush me. Then I'll die. And then your existence has no meaning. So then it will be the end of the world. So when I finish racing, stop racing.

I have an issue with you blocking me from my litter box. I would like to remind you that it is for my personal use, and so when you close the door on me, it is very disconcerting. So of course I must check it after you're done doing whatever. I want to make sure that all is still in order. But you could just leave the door open so you won't accidentally trip over me when you come out, and we won't have to worry about you flattening me and that whole end of the world thing. Very important.

Oh, and this is a very big topic. That dog I let you have? You must teach it respect, or it will have to go. And you must remember who's more important. I am trying to assert my authority over the dog, but if you continue to prevent me from doing so, we will have issues. When I try laying down on the dog, do not stop me. I am telling the thing that I am above it, and so it must accept that. You have to let me discipline the dog or the dog will never know who's in charge. Therefore, when I am chasing it around the house with my claws bared, realize that the beast did something wrong and I am trying to correct it. Then continue with your hollow life. If you do not allow this to happen, well, I do know some places where the dog can go.

You also believe that you have control of the most comfortable bed. I must educate you. I let you stay on the bed. But you must behave. When I lay down you, you must not move. If you move, it makes me uncomfortable and then I'll have to reposition myself and that is a very tiring process. Especially when you rudely woke me up from my nap. Next time, leave the bed.

You need to stop acting like there are places that I can't go. Must I remind you who owns this place? Nothing should inaccessible to me. Dragging me from the toy room you normally keep locked up is most unacceptable. To make it worse, you never pull out these toys for me. How can you mock me with a cloth mouse when I know that there are just boxes and boxes just waiting to be chewed? How can you wave a little string in front of my face when I know you're hiding away the best ribbons? How can you toss me a plastic bag and expect me to play with it when I know that you've packed all the good, decorative paper? Why do you keep my possessions away from me? Don't you understand the longing I feel? I have tried teaching you this by tucking away your car keys, but you always manage to find them in the end. Just imagine the desperation you feel then while searching for them and multiply that by a hundred. And every time you find your keys, someone snatches them out of your hands and hides them again. Yeah, that's what it feels like.

About this tree you keep putting up every year. . . . I can't understand why you want to keep me away from it. Are you serious suggesting that you put toys on a tree just to taunt me? And to make sure I stay from these wonderful toys, you hang citrus peels on it. Gosh, that smell! Next time you do that, I'll hang up garlic around this laptop of yours. Then I'll just laugh as you stare longingly at it, knowing you can't get near because of the ghastly smell that hangs around it. Got it? Good. Now remember to keep those orange peels off and we'll have a grand ol' time.

We must also discuss this kitchen. Once again, you have forgotten that I own the place. Therefore, you do nothing when I decide that getting up on the table is the most appropriate thing to do at that point. Screaming and flapping your arms at me is entirely inappropriate.

You also seem upset when I talk or sing at night. Let me get this straight: You sing at the top of your lungs in the shower and I have to put up with it, but I can't sing the song of my people? Excuse me? Puh-lease, I sound way better than you. And if I can put up with your shower singing, you can surely put up with mine. That middle of the night thing? Oh, c'mon. Do you really sleep at night? You know, if sleep's a problem, then nap in the daytime. It'll make the both of us happier. And anyways, you should start listening to me when I talk. Then I wouldn't have to write this whole thing out.

In essence, remember that I am the boss of this place and you are my servants. Remember also that I am the center of the universe, and if I die, the world ends.

Sincerely,

The Almighty Lord Cat

P. S. If this was a resort of some sort, I'd give it half a star out of five. Also, I found out your Facebook password and updated your profile picture. People need to know who the most important cat is in your life, and anyways, you needed a more fabulous picture.