It’s 4 in the morning and my eyes are still swollen, from what felt like a never ending stream of tears. I’d pay large sums of money to not grieve or to skip this relentless stomach-dropping-heart-aching feeling; my counter part does not feel this way, why should I? For hours, my mind raced on all these past moments, what had I missed? Was it between my demanding ways or a simple act of nature? But as I ran in circles and enhanced the tears, I knew that it didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter how I felt, what I wanted, how kiss marks felt like battle wounds once more. It didn’t matter that this shift in feelings did not occur for me, because it happened and I am now alone.

It’s 4 in the morning and I am night dreaming about an easy fix. I see you and you see me, and all is simple again. Instant gratification, the return of happiness. But these false illusions are constantly corrected by reality. To even wish or dwell on a different circumstance, or change of heart, is as unhealthy as it gets. So I push these thoughts away.

It’s 4 in the morning and I’m alone. The house is silent, only filled by the air coursing through the vents, cooling sleepy faces. I cannot sleep though, my mind still aches. Concluding (or temporary conclusions) facts pour into my heart. First is the most obvious, it is over. All things come to an end: cigarettes burn out, juice runs out, loves come to an end, and death is the most final of endings. But these endings eventually shape our futures. I can sulk for days, let this hole in my heart consume me, or poor my energy into moving on and bettering my being. Second, I must create, keep my hands and mind busy, let inspiration take over. Drink all the knowledge I please, my time is now free. Tend to my heart, so it can once more open to another lovely chapter. And thirdly, love is a tedious process, confusing and often blinding, but I have stood alone once before and I sure as hell can do it again. In fact, who I was before your impact, was the person who allured you in. I enchanted you and in return you gave me a connection I thought impossible to find in high school.

It’s 4 in the morning, almost five, and I crave again to skip this step. But this time it is a selfless desire. Seeing you return my heart, as difficult as it may have been, was not nearly as hard as losing you as a person. The fundamental success of our relationship was based on friendship. And now I lose a constant ear, an understanding mind, a source of laughter, an intellect. Heart ache is temporary, one day, in the arms of someone else, I will no longer feel the swell in my chest. But the loss of a dear friend is almost even more painful. You no longer need me, I see the ambition to be independent. But I don’t want to be forgotten. Friendships, relationships, life connects, they are reflections of who you are and who you want to be. You find aspects that you long to embody and smile at the qualities that are equal. I do not regret the months of “love”, but frown at the possible death of a friendship.

It’s now 5 in the morning and I’m scared to start my day. It amazes me how a person can grow into every aspect of my life and stays there once they leave. I see you in my sheets, my art, my voice, my perfume, my attire, my rings, my books, my music, the food I dislike, my walls. You are everywhere! You are the new song I want to share, the new film I adored. Memories laced in all corners of my room. Shoving your gifts into a bag and hiding them did not remove you from my room. I am scared to face a day of “Are you ok?” and playing the lying game. I am not okay. Once more, I am alone, and I didn’t see it coming. But like all past infatuations, I erased them and became my own entity again. I must do the same with you.

It’s 5 in the morning and I must admit to myself the pros and cons. If I don’t this day will be just as hard as yesterday. Cons: I will miss your presence. The day in and day out chit-chat and coffee breaks. I will miss your hand on my thigh, on my hand, on my face, on my lips. I will miss your need to touch me, just because you can. I will miss your thoughts. Your stubborn, constant, lovely, refreshing mind. I will miss making you laugh at all hours of the day and having you return the laughter. I will miss the future plans that will now never occur; the prospect of having you to my self this year, even if in the end we both new it would end, will be dearly missed. I will miss your kisses. The slow, soft, kisses, on my neck, The slow, soft, pecks on my lips. The rapid, intensity on our lips. I will miss your arms, your soothing hands, your eyes on me. I will miss knowing that your are mine and only mine, I must share you now with others. Pros: In a crude sense, better now rather than later… right? I knew from the start, eventually I would get hurt. In this manner, in this moment? No I did not see it yet. But now I have time. Time to let it go, end this book of high school and start a new beginning with no pain, no regret. You have freed me. I am free to mingle with new individuals, meet another counterparts, be reckless and tame and learn to love myself all over again. You have reminded me of what I deserve. My companionships have forever been altered, the a**holes before seem senseless now, you have set a standard that I lacked before. Once my heart stops hurting, my mind will cease to constantly fret the end of us, your silent thoughts, my silent doubts and thoughts on ending it as well. I must focus on that light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

It’s 5:22 and I know it’s going to be hard. But there are worst things in the world than heart break. I am a healthy, alive, breathing, intelligent, sheltered, loved, ambitious, gifted, humorous, wild, enchanting, shy, attractive soul. I have family and friends and a future. I must constantly remind myself how trivial this feeling is in the grand scheme of things. I must not let this consume me. I must not dwell on why you gave up on me. I must free my mind and heart and teem under pain. If I don’t, I will drown my self in despair and lose my goals. My goals must be my rock now. Self-set marathon to not succumb to destruction, minus the alcohol I plan to use to just let loose.

It’s 5 in the morning and a part of me hopes you see this. I want you to understand, with me voicing these thoughts. But, with life’s humor in mind, it will make sure you don’t and that’s okay. I don’t need your confirmation, your approval, your thumbs-up. I also am a flaming ball of independence. I’d just like you to understand ever so slightly and hope you don’t forget me.

It is 5:30 and I do not plan on sleeping. I must rise and begin a difficult day. I must smile and stay strong and work. This is only the beginning, things simplify with time and for all I know normal ways may return.