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Walls

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I don't mean to do it but I just do. I have not always done this. I have not always been this way but, it's been a long time since I just let some one in. These walls I built for a reason to keep people from hurting me. And I know when people talk about building walls it's such a vague thing, like it has many meanings. Well to clarify for you, I have built metaphorical walls around my heart, feelings and the personal aspects of myself and my life. Even though you cannot see these walls they are very real to me. They also become very apparent to people who try to get close to me or infiltrate my walls. Even the people with the best intentions can't get past my rock solid barriers.


Most people only think of or have one wall "built up" where I have three and no one has every broken past them since the reason I built them. By now you are probably wondering why I have built these walls up. Lets just say its a very unique twist to the cliche hot bad boy breaks my heart montage. There was an older guy we can call him James, and I fell for him hard. His blue eyes sparkled like the stars in the sky. You were expecting me to say something about lakes or water which i would have but there was something in his eyes something dark and then the light that sparkled out from inside. So they reminded me so much of the brightest stars in the darkest night skies. His blonde hair was carelessly tousled in imperfect perfection, and his tight black skinny jeans hugged his figure deliciously.


These feelings were strange and very new to me because he was my first love. And this seemingly angelic guy, with a hint of a bad side, used my naive views on love and the world, and well everything against me, for his own selfish benefits. I loved him, I told him everything all my secrets. I finally felt like some one was listening and truly understanding, Which for me as a teenager was such a foreign and very accepted feeling. He was my first kiss, my first love and my best friend for about three years and in that three years he ripped my heart out and broke me in ways I did not know were possible. He crushed me, he did the things I never thought he would, let alone could.


So I built my walls. I built them tall and strong. I made them hard to climb and even harder to break through. I swore secretly to myself I would never let anyone in like that ever again. I could not stand to be that broken again I just could not handle that. It took so long to put myself back together the first time I can't imagine what dealing with that a second time would do to me. Can you? I would just die. Ok maybe that's a little over dramatic, but it would not be pleasant I don't do well with heartbreak or having my feelings hurt.


Although these walls have saved me from many heartbreaks and sitting around crying with a tub of ice cream, they also limit me. They prevent me from feeling and loving the way I wish I could. Sometimes I try to let someone in and out of habit and fear I just can't. And sometimes that is more painful then even getting my heartbroken.




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