Love At First Sight...?

From the moment I gazed into his crystal blue eyes, I knew it was love at first sight. His fluffy, brown hair captured my attention form the start. He was funny and cute, something that was always appealing to a fifth grader.

At first, I was too shy to talk to him. Yes, I had known him since second grade, but it wasn’t until fifth grade that I truly realized my feelings for him. I told no one, too afraid that they’d tell him. I confined myself to just sneaking glances at him every once in a while when we were in class or on the playground. After a few weeks, we began to talk and I felt at ease talking to him. He was just so easy to talk to, especially since he had no clue that he had stolen my heart. He went almost the whole year not knowing I liked him until the every few last weeks of school.

I told my friend who told his friends who told him. Turns out he didn’t like me back. I refused to believe it. I tried on several occasions to tell him myself, but failed. He stopped talking to me. Stopped horsing around on the playground with me. Stop all contact with me. Now, for a fifth grader, that was a big change. A dramatic change. We went from being close friends to strangers.

We moved onto sixth grade. I still liked him, no loved him, with all of my heart. He talked to me a little bit in first hour, which we had together. He, from my point of view, flirted with me occasionally. So I stupidly sent him a note saying that I was grateful that he was talking to me and so on. He suddenly stopped all contact with me. Stupid, I said to myself every night. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I later found the note on top of the lockers in the locker bay. I didn’t even sign my name.

Then we went to seventh grade. I still liked him. He really didn’t talk to me; we sometimes had the rare conversation on Facebook. It wasn’t enough for me. On Valentine’s Day, I sent him another note. Oh how naïve I was back then. He stopped talking to me on Facebook. We never really talked for the rest of the year.

Finally, eight grade came. He never talked to me. In person or on Facebook. I tried to accept the fact he would never like me back, but couldn’t. I don’t know why. My best friend told me the though time I liked him I would never be with him. I would never date him. I would never have a future with him. Great friend, huh? My heart was so desperate for any of his attention that I started to try and act “normal” around him. I would try to not make it seem like I was weird when I was around him. It really didn’t work. My heart started to ache. I thought I had loved him so much. Why even care about him if he obviously didn’t think about me the same way I thought about him? The song, Jar of Hearts, was a song that I now knew by heart. Sometimes I would cry and wonder why? Why can’t he just tell me? He told me once in fifth grade, but maybe, just maybe, he changed his mind. I sent him another note through another one of my friends, even though I was positive that he liked her instead of me. Oh well. In my note I apologized for my earlier notes, saying they were stupid and I was stupid back then. That I really liked him, but it was OK if he didn’t like me back. That I wanted to know if he liked me or not by high school, I just really needed to know. He never responded to that note. We had gym together so when he started looking at me more, I thought he did like me. That he was just too scared to answer my note I sent him. Oh how wrong was I. We talked a few times on Facebook for the rest of the year, but they were only quick, short conversations. Nothing special.

Freshman year. Yes, I had liked him for almost five years. How pathetic. I went on liking him, anticipating these few moments when we passed in the hallway every day until one day my fantasy world crashed around me. My friend told me he was going to Homecoming with another girl and they were dating now. It was like my heart had been shattered into a million pieces. And that it could never be repaired. I soon became angry with him. Why didn’t he tell me he didn’t like me? I spent almost five years of my life daydreaming about the day he confessed his un-dying love for me. I asked myself so many questions over the span of five years why he couldn’t tell me a simple yes or no. My heart just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry. Perhaps even die. Why couldn’t he have just told me no? No, he didn’t like me back in that way. I wanted to scream. Fine, I told myself, I’ll go get a boyfriend who’ll be better than you. And I did get myself a boyfriend. He asked me to Homecoming and I said yes. But I was later on to find out I didn’t like the boy back in that way. I told myself that I didn’t love my old crush anymore. He was just a crush. Nothing more, nothing less. My mind tried to pull one over on my heart, but my heart wasn’t having it.
I broke up with my “boyfriend” a week after Homecoming. I felt bad, but I couldn’t force myself to like someone I truly didn’t. I had to listen to my heart. Sometimes that the hardest thing to do, but I simply had to. No questions asked.

To this day I’m still trying to listen to my heart. Yes, I still am half in loved with my crush. But now I feel another crush coming along. And this time I plan on listening to my heart.