I'm Okay, I Guess.

When I was younger, my parent’s relationship was pretty screwed up, so I kind of adopted the song ‘Because of You’ as my guidance for relationships. I never wanted to be in the position of mistrust and unhappiness that I had seen in my mother and father and I honestly believed that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes, that I would be somehow wiser than they were. I was a child then, I didn’t really understand the nature of love, I guess.

Now, as a teenager, I have this rule, or I should say: I had this rule. I never wanted to be in a relationship until I was old enough to take it past adolescent flings and insignificances. In retrospect, I just didn’t trust enough to let anyone in. Everyone was either too clingy, or too cold. And to be honest, I was never happy, moving from one guy to the next. I felt so incomplete, so unsatisfied, so empty, I guess.
Realisation of what I actually wanted was almost a relief. Turns out, I wanted what I’d always shied away from – I just wanted to have a relationship. I wanted to feel safe, to feel treasured, to feel content. I wanted to feel loved, I guess.

I didn’t act on the realisation for months. Why would I? There was no sense in rushing it. But then, the most perfect boy came along. Obviously, he wasn’t perfect. He was far from it. He was a dick; he took the piss out of me, out of everyone, out of everything and relished in his own arrogance. He wasn’t the most attractive. Yet, I knew I wanted him. I wanted him for the way I found him so beautiful without knowing why. I wanted him for the way he could make me laugh without knowing why. I wanted him for the way he looked at me, when I had no idea why. So, when he asked me ‘will you be my girlfriend’ in the most awkward and bizarre fashion, I said ‘yes’, sounding so giddy and feeling about 10 years old again. I was completely smitten, I guess.

I’ve never needed to hear the words ‘I love you’ from anyone. I had decided I didn’t need their love – I thought that all I needed as the bare minimals and I would be fine. With him though, I don’t know, everything was different. I opened up to someone like I never had before, and for that, I wanted recognition for the love I had, with a reciprocated one, I guess.

That might be why, when everything went wrong, I was more hurt then I ever had been. Breaking up with him, after all the fretting and worrying I had experienced with a fear of losing him, left me with a numbness that is still festering inside me. I feel empty. Again. I don’t know if I’m devastated or relieved. I know I’m not happy. But then again, I don’t suppose you should be happy when you break up with someone you still care about, so that’s a pretty stupid observation, I guess.

I feel like I’m missing something where he used to be. I now realise how much I depended on him. I never took him for granted; I tried so hard to salvage our relationship; I still believed I could mould something beautiful from our relationship. Clearly all of this was wasted hope though. It didn’t save anything. And now, now, all I want to do is cry, but I can’t. I can actually see the tears building behind my eyes, but I physically can’t let them out! I don’t know if I want to cry because I’ve lost him, or because I’m angry that he didn’t fight for me, that he took me for granted every time. And why can’t I let the tears come out? I don’t know if I can’t cry because I don’t care as much as I feel I should, or because I don’t want to be weak, I don’t want to be the only one that cares. It feels as if I’m stuck in equilibrium between sadness and happiness – I’m just the nothing area. But I’m just being stupid I guess.

I guess this means that I’m okay.