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Dear God

Dear God,
You know what this letter is about. You know it better than I do. You know everything about me. You know the little things. You saw the way I kicked that girl in the mouth when I was nine. You felt my anger when my sister tied me to that tree and threatened to leave me there. You also saw the bigger things. You heard my desperate cries in seventh grade when all I could do was obey my perpetrator. You saw the depths of my heart as I lied to my aunt, hoping she couldn’t see through me. You felt my drunkness weigh on your heart as I drank vodka-laced soda. You felt each tear at my skin as I sliced through it with razor blades and knives. You heard my breath grow heavier with every every cigarette. You were there when I began to recover. You heard my words fly like knives at my mother. You felt my submission to her redirection. You felt the burden on my heart as I watched the paramedics race towards her bedroom. You heard my breath leave as I heard the paramedics apologize. You felt my knees pop as I fell to the floor. You saw every tear that fell from my eyes. You saw me while I vomited after he first kissed me. You felt it every time he laid on top of me. You felt my heart shatter with every touch. You cried with me as I fell back to drinking, and you felt every new cut in my skin. You knew my heart as I rejected your sacrifice.

You knew, felt, saw, and heard it all. Despite everything, you still love me.

All of those things were equally hard, but you saw me through them. When things got better, you knew I still needed you by my side. You stayed with me, even when I forgot to thank you. I forgot to thank you when THEY found me. I forgot to thank you when I threw the pills out. I forgot to thank you when I started to smile. I forgot to thank you when my heart felt joy. I forgot to thank you when I gained a mom and dad. I forgot to thank you when life turned around. I even forgot to thank you when you saved my soul.

Lord, I know this is far overdue. I just had to stop and say, thank you. As you know, THEY are taking care of me. I’m being taught to please you. Please show me your ways. I really want to honor you.

The truth is, I still need you. I always did, and I always will.

AMEN!



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