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What If

Do you ever get the feeling like you don’t belong? That nobody cares about you. That nobody would notice if you would suddenly disappear? That’s how I feel most of the time.
I may seem like the happiest girl you could ever know. That nothing ever could bother me. That is true, mostly anyways. If someone says something about me that would get a normal person pissed off, I put it to the side. I ignore them, which is a good thing most of the time. Except when you break, and when you do, it is a bad thing.
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1

Just a few more weeks and I will be out of this School. I would have been out of here earlier but I live in Minnesota, where we have to start late. When you start late, you end late. Even though I am hyped to move and get away from this place I will miss a few things from this poor excuse of a school. Well by a few things, I mean Zane and Mac, Mostly Zane, since I have had a crush on him for the past three years.

“Journey” I hear someone whisper my name. I look over in a dazed look as I am leaning on my head on my hands sitting my elbows on the commons table. It’s one of Zane’s friends, since I sit with them as I wait for the first bell to ring telling us we can go to class.

“Why do you have Zane’s initials carved into your arm?” he asks me as I, with cat-like reflexes cover my arms with my hoodie sleeves even though it’s one-hundred degrees out.

I simply deny that he did see anything, as I get up to go for a walk through the hall waiting for the bell to ring instead of sitting at the table like usual. I roll up my sleeves as I am walking away and look at the just-now healing scratches in my arm that read “Z.A.”. Most people will not get why I did this or will they ever. But I feel so strongly of Zane, that I have to remember him somehow, since I will probably only see him maybe once a year from here on out. Just I take the moment to soak in what just has happened, I roll my sleeves down and head to my first class early.

I zone out throughout the day and dream of a better life, coming back to the sad reality of my life, to answer people as they talk to me. Throughout my daydreams I dream of the new life I soon will face. I am so excited to finally start a new school, where I can become anybody I want. I finish school for the day and head back home, at which right now my grandmother’s house is where I call home. I lived with my dad for the early part of the year, and then he moved to South Dakota where he has a new job. He moved because I was ditching him for my Mom. When school is out for the summer, I am out of this small Minnesota town forever.

I get home and go back to the bedroom, this is where I spend my days at my grandmas because everywhere else is boring, and nobody else understands me. As I sit on my laptop, on Facebook, I realize that Zane is on. I quickly decide to start up a conversation. We talk about how I am soon moving at the end of the year, which is quickly approaching. There is only seven days left. I am really excited to start a new life, but I am sad to leave Mac and Zane.

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Eventually the last day of school comes. With the scars on my wrist, I bravely wear a short sleeve t-shirts after the few weeks of strictly hoodies. Everyone stares but no one says a word. As if I would care if they did because in a few hours their faces will be just history.
As I walk through the halls to go the, what is supposed to be called a party, I say my goodbyes to my few friends I have. I make my way To Mac. I tell him goodbye and give him a hug. He tells me that I can call him whenever I need something, and he would see me soon. All of the sudden, Zane walks by going to the pie throwing contests. I join him as I say good-bye to him. I ask to have a picture with him to remember him, as I am smiling, like I always do when I am with him. He turns me down insisting he will see me at the County fair. So I sadly say goodbye and walk away.
The bell rings, this is it. As I wait for my mom to pick me up from the school, A few people come and give me a hug. This is the last time I will be seeing the school I grew up in and the town I have been in since the day I was born. I start getting teary-eyed, but I don’t cry. I am not that sad. I would not give anything not to move. As we drive we get farther and farther away from what I used to call home.
Eventually, I make it to my new home in South Dakota. It doesn’t sink in when I am finally all unpacked. It doesn’t sink in that me, Journey McKay Lee, does not live in Minnesota, no longer lives near Zane, does not have any close friends and is going to be starting a new school at Twin Brooks. I settle in for a good night’s sleep. Or so I thought until the Dreams Started.
When I dream, I love it, because I can get away from reality. The only down-side to dreaming is that you do not sleep as heavy as you do if you were not dreaming. And when you do not sleep heavy, you don’t get a good night sleep.
I dream of a place that’s perfect. Flowers full in bloom. Skies that are as blue as the ocean. Oceans that are as blue as the skies. Think of a perfect world, or paradise. That is what I always dream of. Places where I can get away. Places where the perfect guy awaits me every single night. Places where I am fearless and I feel like I can take on anything the world brings my way. This happens every single night for weeks. It is all perfect, until I wake up.
I spend my days in this new, small South Dakota town, on the computer, where I can talk to my friends that I have across the seas. They always know how to cheer me up, but their hours are different than mine. So I decide to hit Facebook when Mac invites me to a group video chat. I quickly join, as I miss him so much. I join the chat with Mac, and he was with some other people as well. Which I was okay with because I enjoy meeting new people, Mac and I have just one other person in the chat, her name was Demi. Every once in a while we get a new person to try it out.
We talk about everything, and anything. We listen to music, and sometimes we get lucky and Mac would play guitar. Mac has taught himself to play guitar, and he is amazing. Through everything, his playing makes my day a lot better, he happens to be one of the only people that can cheer me up. So I always go to him for everything.
I am doing my nightly chat with Mac and Demi; we are talking about how summer is sucking so far. Mac tells me and Demi that he is inviting his friend Karl. Karl does not have a video camera but he is on the chat box talking to us while we are on the camera. He turns out pretty cool, he adds me on Facebook. We officially add him to the group of nightly video chats. We start getting to know each other so well.
Today I have been feeling like I should be doing something else instead of sitting on the computer all night, so I call Liam, who is one of my mom’s best friend’s son. He and I have been becoming real close, because unfortunately my mom is sending me on a trip to the black hills with seven guys from this place I call my new home.



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