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Silence

It's so loud, it's deafening. Your ears are ringing, strained for any hint of sound outside that of your own heartbeat. For a moment, you wonder what you can do the erase some of the heaviness that the silence brings, by music or moving or anything really. You cannot, it is not an option, so you sit there, in your self-imposed torture, blood pounding in your ears. You know you are too stubborn to give in, even if the only one who would ever know is you.

Well. If I'm going to be stuck here in silence, I might as well think. Or pray. Or pray as I think or think as I pray. Does it really matter? I distract myself. I don't want to delve into my own thoughts, my own fears, my strengths, my weaknesses my regrets... The pain of my past, the joys of my past, the fear of the future yet the tantalizing prospect of the future entices me to wonder if...No. If I'm going to get anywhere on this, I need to start at the beginning, the only logical place to start... the trick is that you must first find the beginning.

I think about friends of the past, those whom I drifted apart from, were torn apart from, or left this earth. The bittersweet memories overwhelm me. I think of those who have stood by my side for years, shaping who I am by countless acts. I think of those who I considered enemies, and I smile. I owe them a thank you, for helping me grow in strength with my relationships, even with God. I think of those faceless strangers on the street who helped in small acts of kindness. I think of those whom are my friends. Have I ever told them how much I appreciate them? That I love them, how much they really mean to me? In my mind, I forgive those who have hurt me. I think of those whom I have hurt, and I cringe. I know I must ask for their forgiveness. But first, I need the strength to forgive myself. I think about my regrets, things I wish I’d done and those I was too scared to do. But the past is the past, and it brought me here.
There is one thing though, about this day. This day, for the past three years, has been a day of pain and many people close to me. A day when my best friend was killed by an underage drunk driver in the afternoon. I have forced myself for the past two years, to be sure I don’t take anything for granted, especially the people in it. Life is too short to not sit and embrace the silence.




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writerscramp01 said...
Apr. 26, 2012 at 11:09 am:
Please comment and tell me what I can do to make this better!
 
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