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What I Carry

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Everybody carries things through their daily lives, whether it is emotions or physical objects their carrying it doesn’t really matter. There is always a weight on our backs or in our arms. Many people wish they could put down what’s troubling them- lighten the load- even if just for a little while. It’s not that easy though.
The most prominent emotion that I carry is anxiety- more specifically the anxiety of being humiliated. I suffer through it day to day. Irrational thoughts fill my brain and infect it with their evil motives. It only takes one small gesture or word to trigger a full on battle between the advocates for social phobia and the small army attempting to fight them off. Social anxiety has the advantage of numbers though. I can feel it take over- spreading from its home in my brain and trickling through my veins to the rest of my body. Nobody can tell that I am carrying it until it attacks and takes over. Tears start to roll down my face like waterfalls and my hands become clammy. It is uncontrollable and unstoppable. My body changes temperature from cold and goose bumpy to hot and sweaty and then back again relentlessly. My trembling is uncontainable. It is difficult to manage my body and the symptoms become worse until I am sure people are staring.
When the sensations start to manifest I adopt an attitude of frustration and anger. This causes me to blow up at innocent people. My mind is immediately flooded with ideas that those individuals will no longer want to be around me. This seems reasonable but my reaction is quite unreasonable. The thoughts accumulate to produce more anxiety. It is a vicious cycle that replays like a popular song on a radio station. Anxiety is not just simply anxiety; it is an overwhelmingly complex feeling that brings with it frustration, anger and sometimes guilt. The weight of all of these emotions pummels me to the ground. I feel flattened under it. With the anxiety breathing down my neck I attempt to get up but I am no match for such a weight. I feel hopeless under its power. I wish I could put down this incredibly large package that I carry day to day. It physically hurts to carry such a heavy weight and I have been trudging along with it for years in different quantities- being flattened and using great effort to stand back up. I would never wish it upon someone else but if I had the choice to abandon it I would do it in a heartbeat.
Anxiety has kept me from living a full and happy life; it rules every decision of my day. It dictates what I can and cannot do and how I react to what other people do. It is a demon. What does it have against me? Why is there a war inside my head? I am unsure. I wish I could come across the cure on my journey through the climate changing and nervous system that I call my life. I have found treatments but I have not come across a plan that will heal my broken mind. Maybe I will meet someone that is carrying the secret to my problems so I can lift this burden off of my back and carry an item that makes me blissful- a light object that does not crush me like an autumn leaf under someone’s shoes. When the day comes that I can put this devil aside I will feel weightless and do all that I can to help the crowd of others lift it from their backs as well. Under the mood of hopelessness I will not give up. I shall carry social anxiety until I am freed from its presence- until I am strong enough to abandon it in my path. The only thing that will get me through it is knowing that while anxiety is a huge part of what I’m carrying so is love.




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aem312 said...
Feb. 26, 2012 at 9:01 pm:
in the second line "their" should be "they're" I should've edited more carefully. 
 
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