I've never felt this way before. So confused and unsure of my emotions. He's just a friend... Right? Thats what I always saw him as. Never anything more. But, then there was that dream. Is that what make me rethink it? I just could not stop thinking about him today. And yesterday, when we talked, I felt like I was smiling so big. Inside and out. I just dont understand. Sure he's got those eyes... that just look so... oceanlike. With the amazing blue-green. How is it I never noticed them before? It's... It's... It's... just so weird. Feeling this way... About him anyways. I don't know what to think, or say, or do, or anything... I dont understand this. I know I'm a teenage girl... and we aren't supposed to understand our emotions... but I need to. I need to know where this came from. I need to know how I feel. I need to know if she's right... If a dream is a wish your heart makes. If my heart really does want this to happen. He's no good with girls... And I dont do well with guys... We have the same friends. And taste in music. He's athletic and I'm lazy but, oppisites attract... We're a perfect combination. He's got the little bit of child left in him. And he's a bit naive. Likes to see the best in all his friends. But, I guess I like that about him. I just don't know about any of this. There's no reason to ruin a perfectly good friendship with it. Especially if I'm not sure... I just wish I knew. I wish I had someone to help me figure it out. She tried.... But she's in a simular situation... I wish I could see a day in his eyes. See how he views his life and school and everything else. What runs through his mind as the day goes on. What it is he thinks about in the time when he has nothing to do or right befor he goes to sleep. What is it that makes him smile or laugh or cry. What is it he thinks of me... I just wishI knew this things.. If I did, it would all be so much easier. But I guess life was not meant to be easy. If it was, no one would ever be sad or angry. If it was I could understand all of this. I wouldn't have to dig down deep and find out how I really feel and go through all of the time to get closer to him than I already am to try to see even just a little bit of the world through his eyes. It's not an easy thing to do... but is it not worth it in the end? It's not like I'm going out of my way to do something... It's something I want to so. Something that I want to know. Something that, if it were to go the way I see... would make me one of the happiest people. But I also must understand myself first... Correct? I must know whether I like him or not. I cannot be confused about this. Part of me says I like him, and that we would be really good together. But the other part of me, it says I'm crazy. That he's just a good friend. Nothing more. I need to decide what to follow. Follow my heart? Follow my mind? Or do I give it time and listen? I can't try to reason with either one. They think for themselves. Mulan says "You must be true to your heart and that's when the heaven's will part." and that "When you open your eyes, your heart can tell you no lies." So should I try that? Should I follow my heart and say yes I do like him. Or should I open my eyes. Let my heart speak the truth. And go on from there. Pocahontas says "When you listen with your heart, you'll understand." Maybe thats what I should do... Listen to him. Not just with my ears, but with my heart and then let it tell me what to do. Tarzan says "To trust in your heart and let fate decide." I think that's what I'll do! I think I will trust my heart this time! I will let time and fate and the universe decide. If he and I are meant to be... It'll happen. Belle, in Beauty and The Beast, said that "He (The Beast) must need someone too." Everyone needs someone to love. Someone they can trust and count on spend forever and a lifetime with. Someone who's more than just a good friend. God gave us two legs, two feet, two arms, two hands, two ears, and two eyes. But only one heart. So we could find someone else, who would make us whole. Maybe he could be my second heart. Maybe I should give it a try. Maybe I should listen to my heart, and let fate, decide our destiny. Whether it be as friends, or more than friends, fate shall decide, if I just open my heart, and listen to it's call.
December 21, 2011