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The Frost

A freezing cold morning began when I tried to open my eyes. My eyelashes stuck to each other as if they were glued with snow, my mascara weighing heavily on them. I could feel tiny icicles formed on the edges of my eyelids, drooping like crystals hanging from chandeliers. They made my eyes feel so heavy, as heavy as my broken heart that kept sinking lower in my chest. I felt it bang in my chest, and was thankful, somehow I live through the pain. There were times before that I'd wish it stop and melt. Today melting seemed perfect, I just wanted to melt away. Once it almost did I couldn't bear the burden. All my agonizing pain would cease, but I now know that is never going to happen. Melted ice runs down my cheeks as if pretending to be chilling tears. My eyes have been cried out, I cried a river last night. Evidence of a tsunami laid casually on my bed. I wondered if there was a spot my tears hadn't reached. I sat up slowly seeing colors dance at the edges of my vision and I knew something is wrong. I knew I would faint if I stood up. I waited.


I sat for a frigid moment ontop of my haggard bed breathing in ice, and saw my breath run away with a piece of my soul. Gracefully I stepped off the bed before it collapsed into a heap behind me. I sighed a sigh wishing the weight of my life had vanished. I was wistful for my old house, the one before IT had happened. The divorce that broke my heart and changed everything forever. I missed that house. This new one was completely ramshackle and it could blow over after the slightest breeze. They left each other because of me. Me. I was the reason this horrible nightmare happened. They fought over me constantly. They left because of the chronic fighting.
At night they would lash out at each other, thinking we were asleep. I was still awake though. I cried, and shook in my bed, freaking out and waited for the storm to pass. They both said things and backed those things up by saying "I want what is best for you." Which of course was what they said. How was I supposed to choose? I know it is nice that they love me, but they don't realize I love them the same. One of them always has to win. Someday. Maybe someday they will transcend their old ways. Because this Christmas we won't be together like everyone else in the world. The way we should be.


I was on the outside looking in. I didn't understand how any of this could happen so fast. I had just met my new friend, she didn't really have anyone to go to. I remember the first time I met her dad. He was angry, angry at the world. I was having fun you know making purses and all that jazz. Of course siblings don't get along. My friends little sister wasn't very aware of a guest in the house. She would always follow us around, at first I thought it was cute but then she wasn't being nice to us. Finally my friends dad stopped her but you know who he yelled at? My friend. Right in front of me. It scared me how angry he was. I could reach out and grasp the tension floating in the air. I wished I could stop the swelling of the wound, but I wasn't a divorce doctor. I couldn't fix the emotions coursing around. I wanted to loose contol, and throw my two cents out into the solid air, but all it would do is make a loud clank in chaos. I left straightly after that. I walked home freezing even when the sun was shining for the rest of the world.


It changed me, illustrated the world and how cruel and solid it was. Stones were hard and some people had hearts of stone. Then I thought of the soft things in nature like spongy rainforest trees and clouds, the tobjects none of us can reach all the time. The fantasies that lie in the world, and above. Waves crash upon the stones or gently lap at our toes. How extreme the world was. I couldn't imagine having one suitcase to travel with no real home. Pack up everything and move on, be near different friends, different buses, meals, and atmospheres. Nine days living with my mom who I loved. Then four with my dad that I loved deep inside but who I believed was the antagonist. Because of his behavior towards me, I had choosen. Perhaps inside I already had a while ago. My mother was innocent in my eyes, and still today she is. I am not sure if my father and I have made up or if he knows I believe in my mother. One day I will get tired of this. One day I'll have to choose. Because they will make me, and maybe thats what they want. Which one is better. To be the favorite parent.


Last year I felt like my mom was my choice, like mother like daughter. This year I am not so sure. I love them both. I love spending time with each, I do. Coming home to nothing upsets me, as I walk into my dads house, a hole opens up in my heart. My mom is there when I shout I am home. She has a snack ready or a hug for me. I miss the time when we were together. Now my best friend is acting. I love acting as much as I possibly can. It is in my blood. I am me, a crazy actress. I am uncertain, my life is insane. I'm caught on a giant rollercoaster, and quite frankly I have no idea where I am going. I have no idea why, I am just listening to my heart. And following the yellow brick road. What if it is just being played?



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