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Nothing Poetic, Simply Raw

I'm not even going to try to make this poetic, artsy or anything. It's just straight-up 'ick' that's on my mind. Straight from mind to keyboard. Not heart to keyboard. Please don't mind the unpoetic nature of my thoughts.


So, I realized this weekend what my cost of discipleship could really be. I didn't really know it was called that until he told me that that's what it was on the car ride home today. I cried for hours. I have no idea how that's possible- it was hours, man. God told me this is going to be a crazy thing- me and Him and the certain uncertainty of a life called to straight-up full-time missions in dangerous, heart-breaking places. I'm scared. Yeah- I'm scared. Really really scared. Did I realize just how scared I was this weekend? No, actually not at all. I was excited when I found out one of the colleges I'm looking into offers urban-ministry majoring students to study a semester in inner city Chicago. My family's first response to this? "It's far too dangerous. People get killed their all the time. You've never been to an inner city a day in your life. It's going to be too much for you." I mean, yeah, I get that obviously my family doesn't want to think about their daughter in such dangerous situations, but you gotta understand, I'm called to what I'm called. I'm listening to the call, and I'm realizing the costs and the fears and all of that terrifying uncertainty and certainty that is coming. I realized this weekend that I might be giving up some serious things. People grow up, people get married, people have babies, people get a house, people get a job, people get comfortable- people follow and don't follow God in this way. It's usually the common high school-college-spouse-kids-comfortable job thing. There's nothing wrong with that. Well, I guess it came to my attention this weekend that that way of life is not what God has for me. That was a shock for me. I held my stomach and cried on my bed for hours saying, "I'm never going to be a mommy!" Then, "What if I never get married?" Oh my God, "What if I get killed the first day?" Maybe that was a little dramatic. Not necessarily just of me. God can be dramatic, right? Yeah, I don't think there's anything "irreligious" about that (and if there was, I could care less). I was looking at a baby name book (I'm nearly 15 and not planning on getting pregnant any time soon- the book is for literature/writing purposes, in case you're wondering) and obviously I was thinking about baby names. And before that, I have my little I'm-14-and-I-know-what-I'm-naming-my-kids-and-I-have-17-names-picked-out-so-I'm-having-17-kids-and-I'm-naming-them-outrageously-awesome-names-that-will-probably-get-them-tortured-for-life-or-so-people-say  list on my phone of names I think of randomly when I have an 'epiphanie' (hint, hint). And as I was flipping through this book, I thought I never would have thought myself and actually consider it came into my mind- "What if I'm not meant to have kids?" The thought that followed came with more of a reason, rather than a dark, hopeless-I'm-never-going-to-have-a-family thought- What if it's too dangerous, first of all for my children, and secondly for me, seeing as, they will be my first priority as my children, and that is going to keep me from giving my all to the specific calling which God has called me to do. I'm not saying people can't complete their calling after they've had a baby and have kids. People do it all the time, and a lot do a great job. But, I think that God has different things in mind for me. Now, what I realized after more carefully talking and thinking things out today, rather than being controlled by thoughts and motherly-instinctive (at 14???) hormones, I found that God might not have been saying I'm never going to have a baby. But, back to what I said. God can be dramatic. God could have been being a 'drama King' and trying to get my attention loud and clear. Not that I wasn't paying attention, because of course, the good little Christian girl I am always pays attention to everything God says (yeah, right, screw that). I actually don't want to be a good little Christian girl because that leaves no room for God to do something cool in me. That's His business anyway. And it makes Him look really cool and I think He likes that (and He kinda likes me too). Anywho, that wasn't my point. God could be being dramatic to get my attention- not that I was ignoring Him, but my attention to the facts of the extreme sacrifice and cost of discipleship and listening to His call for my life. That doesn't mean all these extremes are going to be the way things are. I really don't think God told me I'm never going to have baby, never get married, or die my first week in ministry. But, clearly, God has shown me, those are all very possible possibilities. After hours of crying, moments of my friend wrongly thinking I was going to kill myself, and being overwhelmed by fear of the unknown, I said, "No matter what I have to leave behind, God, where you lead me, I will follow."





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