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Not For Me, For Him

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Frankly, I’ve wanted to write about my walk with Christ for months. I wanted it to sound witty and smart, with hints of sentiment and a few scattered tears on the pages. But nothing that I scribbled onto the sheets of crumpled notebook paper seemed to fit. I tried to discuss how complete His love makes me feel, or how troubled my past had been before He pulled me toward Him. None of the words did justice for what I feel when I think about Him. So, I’ll just be brief, and describe how I came to be here, but know that no words can describe what I really feel.
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I’ve struggled with my identity for years. I thought I was fat, for a long time I even used the word “ugly” to describe myself. I hid behind the worn pages of textbooks, and used school and sports as an excuse to not attend parties or school functions, and it was all because everyone judged me and thought I was fat, ugly, or stupid.

So when I changed school districts back in the eighth grade, I thought I could escape the judgment of others. But I soon realized that while I could escape the scoffs and laughter of others, I couldn’t escape my own assessment of myself. “Am I fat?” “I should put on makeup to hide my pale face.” “These baggy clothes should hide my size.” Sure, I could forget about my torment-ridden past for a few minutes, but it always crept back, leaving me feeling empty and sad.

High school was going to be a turning point for me. I was going to be my own person, and forget about what everyone else thought of me. Unfortunately, I squandered away my freshman year by worrying about what everyone else thought of me, and doing everything for myself.

So the summer after my ninth grade year, I decided to fill the emptiness that I’d felt for two years. And I decided to fill it with the Lord.

When I realized I wanted my heart to belong to Jesus Christ , I felt a wave of relief and hope wash over my whole being. A sense of safety fell upon me, and I wanted to live the best life I could. But I didn’t want it for me anymore; I wanted Jesus.

I recognized this feeling of want four months ago. Since then, the road has been rocky in patches, and I have barely started school so I know the road will be rough in more places ahead. But I know that with the newfound courage and confidence that God has given me, I can take on the world if I have to. And now, I’ll be doing it for all the right reasons, and for the right person: Jesus Christ.



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