And that's all I was ever going to be to you.


You turned me into what I thought I never would be...


*


I sit there with the noiseless headphones in my ears, eavesdropping on you. I hear you talking about me in the next room, thinking that I can't hear you. But surprise; I CAN. And I'm pissed!

"...and shes never in class, its just not normal. Ever since she started hanging around THEM shes been like this."
NO! the voice in my head screams. You blame them, just like everyone else does. But its not them, its YOU.
The voice.
The one I don't use anymore.
My voice.
The one that had been silent for so long, now screaming with rage and fury inside of me. Trying to escape, seeping along with the blood out of the slits I cut into my arm through my sleeve. And I wonder when the last time I really spoke was...


**


I could hear his screams behind me, words aimed to scar. His voice was filled with fury, "I don't know who you are!"
All of the accusations, Did you know how they hurt? or did it just not matter now, because to you I lost my worth.
I have to pretend that none of it hurts. But I'm drowning in pain. Its searing, I'm screaming, but I'm ignored once again.

The night meant to let loose and let go cut strings for me easily. I healed like I never suspected I could. Every aspect of my life seemed to fall together all at once, and it was excruciating.
It was intoxicating.

***

I wanted safety, and I got it, I think I might be happy now. I drove you away, and kept everything that I truly needed. I can't explain it exactly how it happened, but it was the most beautiful disaster prone messed up situation I've ever been through. And I loved every second of it.

At that one moment I realized I had everything that I wanted, And it was indeed a lovely disaster. They say you cannot be friends with everyone; well don't believe them. Because in the end, everyone knows each other, and everyone has something in common. Even if you hate someone you can be best friends, it sounds ridiculous, but its true.

****

On the way back to my friends house, after the tragically beautiful night was done, we decided that ("Well its kill or be killed and one day we'll get the best of them." -Motion City Soundtrack)
So The most horrible, tragic, wretched, terrible, heart wrenching night of my life is over now.
And I loved it.
Every paranoid, music filled, laughter causing minute.
And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

*****

The one who destroyed me was there.
The one who protects me was there.
The one who's just like me was there.
The one that's my family was there.
The one I'm in love with was there.
The one who was from my past was there.
Everyone was there.
From every aspect of my life.
And at first I was horrified.
But after I warmed up to the idea,
It was the single greatest moment of my entire life.

******

Different chapters of the same story.
Different colors of a single picture.
In the end it doesn't have to make sense.
Just enjoy it.