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Hitting Rock Bottom

And I thought about how everything before my eyes changed.

I thought that everything I did was never ever going to be good enough for them. The constant judgement, the backstabbing, the pain. Yes, maybe I am being just a bit dramatic, but the world was ending in the slightest way. She told me, she told me how we could never be friends again. After our endless sleepovers and secrets, it was done. After we endured our whole lives together, it was gone like the snow melting on the ground; fast as soon as it hits rock bottom.

The wondering was killing me the most. The wondering of her with them. The constant reminder I wasn’t good enough. The pain I felt, over what? Our friendship at an end? At the fact that of course the popular girls win? It was like she stomped on my heart for the final time, ripping it to shreds right in front of me. Like putting it in my face. To show how she moved on to better because I wasn’t what you call popular.

She was just like me before. Smart, funny, athletic, all-around a good person with a kind heart. A person I could look up to. She was like my role model and I, being just the slightest bit older than her, admired her strength and her courage and her care-free attitude. But it drifted away.

Am I relieved? Yes. Am I in shock still in the slightest way? Yes. Am I happy? Nope. I constantly wonder all the time “what if” we had worked everything out? What if we were still best friends? What then? Would I still be living this lie of our “perfect” friendship? Would I still have put up with it? It still haunts me to this day as I see her walk around the halls of our small little school. When I see her with her great clique she has. Please note my sarcasm. The only thing I see in her now is a cold-hearted monster, a monster with no values. No self morals. Only to follow down that path that everyone says is amazing, but is it really? Drugs, alcohol, sex, peer pressure at its finest?

I look at myself and wonder how I could have been friends with her. This used to be a girl, a girl with big hopes and dreams that I could relate to. That was smart, beautiful, and full of life. Someone that was her own person. Not a follower. Not one of those girls that did everything you wanted at the snap of your finger.

As I observe how she is now, I can’t help but feel sorry for her. Wanting a taste of the fast life. Wanting to feel that importance and to feel special and in the in-crowd. And she is, as hard as that is for me to say. I am on the outside looking in. Whenever I hear her voice or someone else talk about her, I cringe. Because I think back to being little kids and finding the difference so great. I try to tell myself that I am the better person, but how can I feel that? Losing my best friend for superficial purposes and them winning. I still cry. I still cry because I know in my heart that is why we aren’t friends. Not because the stupid excuse of we have differences she tried to give me. I know that is why, even if she doesn’t admit it to herself or anyone else. That is why I lost my best friend.

I still haven’t gotten over it. And eventually I will. I try to look at it day by day. It is hard, since I have 5 classes with her. I just try to get over it, but I can’t. You can tell me I wallow in self pity, but I really don’t. You will never see the whole story.

And to the new “it girl”, I don’t know if you will ever read this. If you do, don’t take it to heart. I’m sure you have shit to say about me too. This is a place of vent, vent my feelings to the world without anyone to know me. I don’t need anymore constant judging from you or your new friends. I know in your eyes and to everyone else I will never be good enough for your approval, so it is a good thing I don’t long for that satisfying approval. At least I’m real.

Peace Out.



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Lovely_Lauren said...
Aug. 18, 2010 at 12:45 pm
You are an amazing writer deary! I love you and this piece! (: 
 
theitgurl replied...
Aug. 18, 2010 at 5:06 pm
Thanks Dear! I love you too (:
 
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