I thought having what I wanted would make my life much happier, but to my surprise it just made things more difficult and screwed up. Taking away things that I used to keep my head above water, to keep myself whole as I fought for a life that wasn’t worth living. Then I had to withstand the pain the object of my yearning caused me. Bringing me happiness when I saw him but causing pain when he wasn’t around, wasting his time on me when I was already damaged beyond repair. He damages me just a wee bit more every time I see him, like everybody else that I love. Making my life hell than happy and now it’s predestined to turn to hell at summers end. I was so persistent in my attempts to get him to say yes, I don’t see why I tried so hard now. I wasn’t going to be able to hold on to him much longer, it had already been determined. Now all I had to do was wait till summer’s end, when he would leave me out of curiosity. I would be totally and completely useless without someone to think of, he was what I used to get up in the mornings and put on my makeup, to do my homework and get good grades. Now that there was no reason and I don’t know if I could do those things. Of coarse I would wake up eventually but not on time, and I would have so much time on my hands after school that I just do my homework anyway. But I know I’m going to fall farther down into my despair when he moves, I might not see him at all after that, even if he just moves across town. The house would be there and the swing, the swing I spent so much time on waiting for him. I wouldn’t look into the house, I would rather keep the memories of when it was full of furniture and life, rather than the vacant remains of the past. I don’t spend much time dwelling in the past, I forget a lot as the present and the future take hold of my mind like always, but the house would be different and the pond, we spent so much time at the pond that the star fruit trees were picked bare. Then there was the tree outside his house that so many of his friend had scratched their names into, I remember the day he had said yes he scratched J+M into the tree, then he did it once more at another point placing a heart around it. I had written forever next to it but that was before he told me that we would part ways at summer’s end. Now the tree more than ever reminded me of the past and the house and the swing and the pond. And there was always a possibility that the past could never have happened, just a figment of my imagination, but it couldn’t have been, I had spent so much time with him. But now it all could be questioned, unfortunately.
July 9, 2010