Magazine, website & books written by teens since 1989

Realization

I never really understood why you did it. It always seemed too confusing to explain to someone else, and usually they thought I was overreacting by hating you. But maybe I can convince an anonymous reader that I’m in the right mind.

I want you to know the damage you caused. I want to see that you were capable of some kind of paternal love. Did it really never hurt when I cried because of you? Do you ever regret the way you tore our family apart, piece by piece? Did enjoy laughing in my face when I presented the scraps of our relationship before you, looking for some kind of recognition of what you’d done? Of course not. You were never cut out to be a parent. You enjoyed being wild and free too much. Is that why you had all those girlfriends? Our family wasn’t enough for you, so you went looking for more.

Somehow you and the court thought a therapist could fix all that. Not to knock therapy but it was a complete and utter waste of my time. In the end the therapist held me down on the couch while you chased my brother around the room trying to hug him. It was a picture perfect family moment. You did eventually corner him and I guess you could call what you gave him a hug but I still get a very vivid picture of pro wrestling when I think about it. Safe to say I have pretty much swore off therapy.

You taught me, growing up, that I would be good. You presented an example of honesty and truthfulness and I relied on that delicate bond between father and daughter. But then I discovered the truth, and every loving view I had of you disappeared, choked by your own lying hands. I couldn’t believe that the man who tucked me into bed every night and read Harry Potter to me was capable of being so deceitful. Some people wonder if my relationships with other guys will be affected by your carelessness but I think you have helped me if anything in that aspect. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t come crying to you when my boyfriend breaks my heart but you have shown me that I need to have control in a relationship. I can’t be a rag doll who sits in the corner and only comes out to play when you feel like dragging me along by my arm.

The hardest thing, though, was to watch how the stone you threw into the pond rippled. How, when I didn’t talk to you, strangers profiled me as the one with a problem. Although the situation was not theirs to judge, they still did. And, like most people, they jumped to all the wrong conclusions. It was hard to watch mom try to clean up the mess you made, while still to dealing with the emotional baggage you had dropped on her doorstep. Our family suffered because of your selfish indulgences and I can’t forgive you for that.

After innumerable fights where I stood before you, tears streaming down my face and hateful words flying fast and furious I realized something. You were stupid and no matter what you said, you never came to the table honestly. If you weren’t going to try and change then why should I? It wasn’t my responsibility to fix your mistakes. In fact I didn’t want you to. I had been down that road so many times and finally realized that I was a much better person when I wasn’t around you.

I remember one night you had come in guns blazing telling me to go out to dinner with your new girlfriend and her family. I told you it was too soon but you didn’t care. You were ready and since the world revolved around you I should be ready too. I told you that I was done caring about what I could do to change your life and the decisions you made and was finally going to focus on myself and not cry myself to sleep because I couldn’t save my perfect family. You know what you said? “That’s really selfish.” I was blown away by your immaturity.

They say there are two sides to every story but I can’t really understand your point of view. You say it happened once, a mistake you made 10 years ago. But I beg to differ. The girl from your work was not the only one. So I guess this the part of the letter where you ask all of the questions knowing full well that you will have to wait a long time for the answers. Was it worth it? Are you really sorry? Do you even care?

I guess that’s that. I could unload a lot more on my unfortunate readers but I won’t push it. If you are disappointed I am sorry you wasted your time reading this: if you have learned something - congratulations. Maybe I’ve learned something too, but it will take at least nine hours of sleep and a very unusual dream to figure that out. So thank you for being, for a very short time, time someone who can just listen.





Post a Comment

Be the first to comment on this article!

bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback