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Forked Tongues And Forks in the Road
Forked tongues and forks in the road = the past two years of my life. "Why is it that something simple can become so complicated?" I ask myself silently. Everyday, the same old question arises and I can't help but feel ashamed of where my life is and how I got here. He was just a guy; just like any other guy. WE were in a band together and for two years I didnt even bother to learn his name. He was just there. Another person I could know but chose not to. "Why hadn't I just gone on without ever knowing him? Why did he send that f***ing emial in the first place?"
Again, some more of my usual banters running around in my head. But the truth is, it did start with an email. IF he hadnt sent it, we would have continued on in life without each other, never encountering the pain he would bring me without ever realizing it.
It turned out he was quite a few years older than me. I should have turned away then, but couldn't. I was the good girl. The staight A student, Valedictorian, best player on the volleyball team, lead vocalist. In other words, I needed a change. I needed to do something that would change my image to others. Someone who wasn't just another good girl, and this guy was the answer.
Or so I thought.
After awhile, we wanted to be more than friends; to see what would happen. At this time, I was friends with a lot of older people, especially one guy who I looked to as a brother. I trusted him with my life and couldn't wait to tell him about what was going on in my life. He was the beginning of the forked-tongued friends. Many days of the week when I'm tired of blaming myself, I blame him.
I know I really can't place the blame on this old friend. He really was looking out for my like a brother would, but I haven't been able to forgive or trust him, something I'm sorry for. While looking out for me, he went and told others what was going on in my life. The youth councelor at my church, as a matter of fact, who became the second forked tongued friend to help turn my life for the worse.
This councelor could have come to me, could have talked to the person whom the situation concerned. Instead, this information was leaked throughout the church, ultimately resulting in me having to find a new church,losing my position as leading vocalist, and over 20 friends.
I should have known then. I should have walked away. Yet there I was, diving deeper despite all that happened.
This went on for two more years. During this time, I found that this guy I thought I loved was an awful listener and only wanted to be in a relationship. It didn't matter who this relationship was with. And it turned out to be me.
Again, "Why?" Why did I let it go on? Why did he have to send that email? Why was I too blind to see what was really going on?
It ended eight months ago and I'm just starting to see all of the damage. Because of this one guy, I've lost my best friend of twelve years, lost the trust of over 20 people, lost the ability to trust even those who helped me through everything and those who had no idea what was even going on. The relationship between my parents and me seems non-existent at this point. This good girl had built up such a reputation of doing the right thing, that everything she does these days is being questioned and watched carefully. With the time period that this happened, I'm now home schooled and said to be in a rut. The rumors continue and the questions keep cycling through.
Why do these things happen? Just because they do.
Maybe there's a reason. Maybe it's simply for the learning experience. But when I look back, all I can see are the forks in the road and wondering why I chose the ones I did. Wondering where my life would be if that one email had never been sent.