There is no one I can talk to. No safe haven for me to relinquish this pain. My mind is gone from me; torn apart by this internal apocalypse. My friends are gone too. I am alone. Alone with this curse. Alone to fend off the darkness that has risen before me. Alone to carry this burden that I have been punished with. “Why father… why” I ask as I roam his dessert. What have I done to deserve this? No answer. None, and I am alone. Left to rummage through the decay of my psyche. I asked for love. Not this. Not this bitter cold. Not this empty freeze that has ravaged my soul and burnt my flesh. I am crippled. I am paralyzed. I am shackled. Cast out. Most importantly…I am not who I used to be. Move on is something that I have been told. But to move on is something like a drop of water to the damned. It is a wish, a hope, a longing, and a road to internal salvation. Yet in this desert there are no roads, only illusions. Illusions that plague me. Mirages appear left and right. Right and left. Near and far. Far and near. Of roads. Of people. And…of her. That is the most painful illusion of them all. I am lost and I am wounded. I need my brethren to help their blind comrade.
December 24, 2009