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Looking without Permission

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I turned to see Everett, Mike, Leo, and Justin. I smiled at them all as my eyes slowly turned to Justin. He was bigger than the others in both height and build. He had blond hair, and light blue eyes filled with ice. People who didn’t know him weren’t sure of what to think of him. He was intimidating, but anyone who really knew him, knew that he was the best friend a guy could ask for. I had met him when Damon and I had first hooked up. We had been doing fine until he introduced me to his friend Justin. He was cute, really cute, and had a smile that melted my heart. I had met him for the first time at the beach. We had talked a little on facebook before meeting but that was it. Damon, Justin and I went into the water far away from the parents. Damon immediately wrapped his arms around me his chest to my back. Justin looked down into the water not wanting to intrude. I felt uncomfortable, rude, so I gently pushed Damon off and turned to Justin. We started talking, the awkwardness vanishing. The words came out so easily. He kept making me laugh, a great trait, and he had this cute little sly smile that appeared on his face. Every time that smile appeared my heart jumped. I hadn’t been able to look away from his eyes. On the outside they said I am cold, stay back. But I could see that deep down he was really sweet. Well, after the beach we never hung out again. We talked all the time over facebook and the phone but that was it. He became my new best friend. I learned a lot about him and he learned a lot about me. He kept a lot back though, and I knew it. I didn’t pry. I was scared though, because I loved Damon, but there was this love in me that started growing for Justin. I was scared because I didn’t want to mess Damon and I’s relationship up. I knew that if I got too close to Justin I would screw up my relationship with Damon, but I just couldn’t stop talking to Justin. The more I talked to him, the more I wanted to. He was everything I had ever looked for in someone. He was smart, and serious about school, but at the same time he could relax and just have fun. I learned that we were a lot alike, we had so much in common. Everything I had ever said to anyone, resulting in anger when they didn’t catch on, he understood. He got everything that I said. He understood me completely, and I craved that. I even started getting into more personal conversations with him. The subject of marriage actually came up. I learned something that probably made me like him the most. He was a hopeless romantic, just like me. He was in love with the idea of true love. He wanted the same life I did. He wanted the old fashioned life. Married right after high school, good job, a family. Everything that I loved, he wanted. I had never found a guy like that before. Justin was sensitive, unlike most guys I had met. He was sweet and admitted things to me that he didn’t tell anyone else, because he knew I would understand. I told him my greatest fears and he reassured me that he would always be there for me. I told him what I felt like, and everything that had happened to me and he gave me soft, words that seemed to make it all better. Anytime I had a problem I went to him, and he fixed it. As we talked more we started flirting, not a smart idea considering Damon. I was still with him, but what was I doing? Not really cheating, just “looking”. Just keeping my options there incase….Who was I kidding? I was falling in love with Justin, and part of me didn’t want to, but I do admit, the other part of me wanted it more than anything, and that part wanted him to like me too. After a while of flirting, I learned that he liked me too. He actually cared. I would talk to him about things that I was too embarrassed to tell anyone else and he smiled and told me that I was wonderful. By this point I was dreaming of him every night. One night I had a dream that we were married and lived in a big house on our own private beach, and in my dream….we were so in love. And I told him. I called him the next morning and I told him my dream. His response filled me with longing and love. He said maybe you are seeing the future, because to be honest, I would love that life with you. Well, there you go. That is really what started the downfall. I didn’t want to ruin anything with Damon so I tried to fix it all…..by telling him everything about Justin and I. Well, that worked out only how everyone would guess. Damon was pissed. He seemed calm at first, just sort of like uh ok, but that quickly changed. Damon got mad and well. I took Justin’s side. I don’t know why. Thanks to me, Justin and Damon are no longer friends. Every time I mention it to Damon he never wants to hear it, so I don’t bother. But every time I mention it to Justin he always says that I shouldn’t say sorry. He says it’s not my fault that it was going to happen anyway. I know that’s not true. He just doesn’t want me to feel bad. That’s Justin for you. He never wants me to be sad. It was my fault though. Right before Justin and I screwed up, he had told Damon that he was his best friend. I screwed it all up. I ruined their friendship and that is not something I want to be held responsible for. I felt terrible. Both of them didn’t want me to worry about it, but I couldn’t help it. I destroyed their relationship… I did a terrible thing. I hate myself for that. I know that I shouldn’t have even looked at Justin twice. He was my boyfriend’s friend. What was I thinking? Was I really that stupid? I guess it doesn’t matter though. I can’t fix it, and I don’t think either of them really wants it to be fixed. I think about both of them a lot. Damon is mine and I am very thankful, but sometimes Justin intrudes in my thoughts. He buts in and I can’t stop thinking about the things he had said to me that had made me like him so much. Justin was just a liar though. He had hypnotized me with sweet talk. He had filled my mind with beautiful images, vivid thoughts of how life could be. But thanks to me, I broke myself out of that trance. I got my head back on and realized how wrong I had been. All of Damon’s friends told me that Justin wasn’t who I thought he was. That he said the same things to every girl he thought he could get. I found out that Justin was a player. A liar. A sweet talker. A fake. And that was a major turnoff. Though at first, when they told me that I didn’t believe it. I thought, “No. That can’t be true. He is so sweet” but look how wrong I was. One day I was talking to Justin and I said that Damon didn’t want me talking to him anymore. He thought Justin was bad for me, and he was right. Well, Justin responded in a way I had never seen before. He said that he didn’t give a f*** what Damon wanted and that if Damon tried anything he would make Damon reallllly sorry. I told Justin I had to go. I had never seen that side of him before and that made me realize that he’s a jerk. I have to say though, after realizing how big of a jerk Justin was, I gained new respect for my boyfriend, Damon. I realized that Damon had acted that way not just because I was “his girlfriend”, but because he didn’t want me to get hurt, and he knew that Justin would use me then throw me away. Damon saved me from a lot of pain. And of course I felt pain from what Justin had done, but I think I would have felt more pain if Damon hadn’t dealt with it the way he had. Damon gained this level in my mind. To be honest it made me like him more. He proved to me that he truly loves me. But while Damon gained respect in my mind, Justin still lingered in my mind. Everywhere I looked I was reminded of him. And to be honest seeing him everywhere hurt. A lot. I would see something and think I’ll have to tell Justin about that later. The thing was that I wouldn’t be able to tell Justin later. Because of the whole “affair”, for lack of a better word, my parents forbade me to ever talk to him again. And I went with it. But after a while I really started to miss him. I began missing him more and more. It was like he was a ghost, hungry for my sorrow, haunting me. I waited for him to vanish from my mind but he stayed consistent. Try as I might, I just couldn’t get away from him.

After a while I eventually half way got over it. Not completely, but enough to move on and go about my day without thinking about him. In a way I forced him out of my mind. Damon and I got better and really our relationship strengthened. At times I found myself comparing Damon to Justin, but once I realized what I was doing I stopped myself immediately. Justin and I were really good together. We didn’t fight as much, every now and then (and we always made up), but really our relationship was a whole lot healthier. I was sort of thankful for the incident with Justin, for it made my relationship with Damon better than it had been before. I went on with my everyday life, school, chores, Damon’s house, bed. I never thought about Justin anymore. Then one day suddenly, Justin appeared in my mind. I froze unable to think as I was bombarded with a montage of memories, conversations that we had had, all my emotions from back then and my thoughts. My mind came back to the present and I once again saw Damon, Everett, Mike, Leo and Justin standing in front of me. “What?” I asked, not sure what had happened.
Justin opened his mouth and replied, “We asked if you wanted to come to the beach with us…”
I looked at the floor while I responded, “Sure. I’m game.” My eyes flashed up to Justin and as I saw him wink a smile appeared on my face.

The End





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shopper said...
May 25, 2011 at 10:04 pm
What insight and awareness almost like shakespere said to be or not to be, here we have to know and not to know, Best wishes to your future sucess.
 
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