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The Truth About Me and Tou

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We were together once. I knew he liked me. He held my hand, walked me home. He kissed my cheek and hugged me close. He said we were one. He was tall, dark and handsome and always dancing circles around my heart. He was beautiful and he was my first. My first everything.

That was then. This is now. I open his convo (on msn) and send silent pleas for him to message. I wait night and day for a response. Nothing. I listen avidly for any new news of him. I dream that one day, we shall both reconcile. I wonder what turned him off. What made us go bad. Oh, ______, how could you let this happen to us? We were everything to each other, you and I. You were there for me. Your understood. You could have supported me. We could have made it. We could have still been together.

Now, Im reduced to scrounging for whatever little tidbits of information I can find about you. I'm left to wonder, do you feel the same way about me as I do for you or are we destined to always be just friends. Nothing more. Or maybe, this is all some part of a foolish fantasy on my part bound to pass, maybe I'll find someone new.

Still, the thought, the possibility, the shred of hope, I dare say, that we could be together again is too insurmountable. It feels as though the wait will be well rewarded. If only there was a way I could connect to you. I would tell you now that when I wasn't ready then, I am ready now. Can't you be ready too?

Everyone asks me about our past. I brush it off. I say it was just a crush. A temporary blinding. I tell them how we've just realized that we were better off as friends anyways. I keep to myself that you left me. Two weeks later, I find your arms wrapped around one of my no-longer-good friends. We were close, she and I, but you became the knife that wedged us apart. Everything we worked so hard to build came crashing down. We were no longer taking two steps forward but rather several steps back.

You told the world what happened to us. You shame and ridiculed me. You made it so easy for me to hate you and maybe I even did for a while but you really hurt me. You made me feel inferior. You crushed me. It was like what we shared was from a different world and you just wanted no part of it. That's what hurt the most. You wanted to forget the great times we shared.

Then we spent a year apart. The mean, snide comments slowly dwindled down to a stop. We became polite strangers. Obligated to say a simple 'Hey!', among friends to keep up appearances and dead silence when it was just us. No more walk home together. You were so absorbed into your own world, and I was just drifting away. We were so distant. How is it possible for two individuals who were once so close to be so further apart?

It seemed that my whole life had been turned upside down. I was reduced to befriending 'fake' friends, where every move was a constant battle of popularity. I failed miserably. I was the person stuck at the ends. I was overlooked. It was like being invisible, like it wouldn't really affect anyone whether I lived or died. No one cared.

Then all I wanted was for a chance to start over. I wanted to be a person who could make a difference in someone's life. I wanted to be the girl who just did not care if she sat by herself on the school bus or just simply felt comfortable sitting by herself in the hallways minding her own business because in her heart, she knew what if she ever needed a friend, they would come running. I felt inspired to be that girl.

So, I moved and became her. The one who would take care of herself and I heard that you changed a lot too. You finally grew up and figured out what you wanted to do. I heard you wanted to be a healer just like me. Then, already, I could feel the old feelings I barricaded overwhelm me. Everythime you sign in, my heart races. And I realized that its all because of you that I am now a stronger person. You made me worthy enough to be worthy enough for you.

So, I shall use the lesson you taught me the hard way. When you sign in, Ill message. I'll ask you how you're doing. I'll do my part to work towards us again. I'll do my part in making you want me too. So, the next time I say, "Hey! How are you?", you'll say,"Hey! I'm doing just fine. There's something I've been meaning to tell you-- I love you".





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