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Don't Make My Mistake

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“The cuts went all the way up her arm. I knew I should tell, but I couldn’t. It made me sick to see that someone could do something so disgusting to themselves. Who could hate themselves enough to do something so horrible? Then I remembered, I was looking in the mirror.

I know it seems ridiculous, but sometimes I honestly forgot that the totally insane person in the mirror was me. I think that I didn’t want to remember so I didn’t. I wanted so bad to crawl out of my skin and never come back to it. Sometimes I would dream about what it would be like to be someone totally different. I think the honest truth was that I wanted to die and be reincarnated, but I didn’t believe in that. Everyday I took on the role of someone new. One day was the class clown and the next day I was one of the popular girls. I changed to what everyone wanted me to be. I thought that if I made everyone else like me I would like myself. Then I realized that wasn’t going to help.”

I wrote this two years ago. I know it seems ridiculous, but this is how I felt. I guess you can tell that I was not to happy. I went along like that for a while. This piece was supposed to be me in the future remembering how stupid it was. I think I was off on how it would seem. The missing part of this piece was about how I got over my insecurities and I rarely look back, but that isn’t how it works.

Everyone thinks that when you get past a rough patch you can go on and never look back, but it isn’t always that simple. Sometimes you need years to get past those things. I did and I think that I may still need a couple more.

I used to swallow pills just to try and hurt myself. I used to literally beat myself with things because I felt that I was a horrible person. Why did I feel that way? Let me give you a background.

I was raped. Yep from the time I was five until I was thirteen I was repeatedly molested by a family member. Not my father for anyone who was wondering, but it happened. I know that it seems ridiculous to some people, but I blamed myself. To be honest some days I still do.

I am sure that while reading this you are probably wondering what the point of this is. The point I am trying to make is this, do not do what I did. I mean it. I made these mistakes that I still regret to this day. If you feel like things are never going to get better, rethink it. I mean it. I hurt myself countless times. I cut myself, beat myself, and I tried to kill myself with pills and a knife. I learned my lesson the hard way, but take it from me. Things are going to get better. They will, but you can not give up. Keep moving forward.



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VampireDory16 said...
Oct. 29, 2009 at 2:12 pm:
this made me cry, because was/am in that situation. It hurts someone else had to go through it...I'm so happy you chose to move forward...maybe I can do the same one day
 
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DizzyRae said...
Oct. 14, 2009 at 7:39 pm:
You should keep moving forward. A lot times the victim will feel guilty in a situation like urs. But of course it wasnt ur fault. No matter what you did wrong or right or anything.
 
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drama qu 101 said...
Oct. 14, 2009 at 4:19 pm:
wow thats like really bad how can u let that happen tu u? thats like really stupid...no offense!!!! plz dont take it the rong way
 
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