Ever felt like your own body was against you? Have you ever felt like you have been diagnosed with a new disease? Alright how about this. Like even your own body didn’t like you? Well that’s what it felt like when I was first diagnosed with scoliosis. It felt like nobody knew what do with me. Like a basketball in a game being passed onto the next player to make a shot. I was passed from doctor to doctor to reach the goal of trying to figure out what was to do with me. Not only was I at war with the doctor’s trying to decide what was the best option at the time but I was also at war with my own body. It was like my body was making the decisions that my mind should be making.

We all know the feeling when you go to the doctors, you never want to be there, but we are all happy when it’s over. Once I was in the office, I was told I was going to be tested for scoliosis. My eyes lit right up, we had just learned about it in school and seen x-rays. I felt like I finally wasn’t clueless at the doctors. But compared to what I was about to go up against I knew nothing. To check for scoliosis you have to bend over and they measure your back with a special tool. I stood back up after the test and turned around to look at him. I remember the face like it was just yesterday. He was in complete horror. Like he had seen something that only lived in your worst nightmares. I had no idea the next couple of years was going to be something out of my worst nightmare.

I didn’t know what to do it seemed like my life was falling apart all the time. I was first told that everything was going to be okay. All I needed was physical therapy and a back brace for 7 months. But this was far too long for me. It went by slow and I was tired of having to do the same routine everyday. Wake up, School, Exercises (Physical Therapy), Shower, Put Brace on, Homework, Dinner, Sleep. Everyday for 7 months. There was no time to go to the basketball games, hang out with friends, have sleepovers, play softball. I couldn’t do any of it. Even though every part of my body was still working and fully functioning, my spine stopped me from doing a lot of the things I enjoyed. I am not going to lie, I had depression at a very young age. Not over the typical things like break ups and losing somebody important in your life. I got it cause my life was taken away from me. I couldn’t go out with friends, watch the basketball games, play softball. I was forced to be in the back brace for 7 months. After my physical therapy was done for the day, I would go in the shower and cry. Wondering why me, why put me through all this when I had been a good person to so many? It was hell going through it by myself. Nobody understood what was going on. People could say that they were there for me but they never really were. They didn’t know how much pain this had caused me physically and mentally.

After the 7 months was up, I was so happy. I thought it was going to be all over and I didn’t have to worry about this anymore. I sat in the office with my brace on like the doctor wanted. I had taken x-rays about 20 minutes before and knew everything was right. I had the biggest smile on face. I knew I had done everything right and followed everything the doctor said. I had nothing to worry about; or what I thought. My doctor stepped into the room. He didn’t seem to be his normal self. Like he was upset with something. But it couldn’t be me right? It can’t be me. My smile started to fade. I couldn’t go through another 7 months of that. I couldn’t go through another 7 months by myself.

“Morgan you are going to need surgery. What I see looking at your x-rays you took today, the curve has gained almost 20 degrees. Now its at a dangerous degree of 65. You’re rib cage has now moved itself deeper into you’re right shoulder blade. I would recommend having the surgery within the next 3 months or less so things don’t get worse. If you wait it is possible that you’re lung could collapse ”

His voice was raspy. Like he knew I was dedicated and that I didn’t deserve this By this time my smile was long gone, my head started to spin, my stomach formed knots. I wanted to cry, tears started to form in my eyes but I couldn’t cry in front of my grandparents. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Why me? Why now? I thought I did everything right and followed everything the doctor said, I did right? All types of questions formed in my head but the main thing I didn’t get is. Why did my own body hate me this much?

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Monday 2/27/17

-Iv’s

-Surgery

-Pain meds

-Room check in

-Sleep

Tuesday 2/28/17

RN: Shannon & Lauren

-Blood draw

-Wash up

-Linen Change

-Up to Chair

-Physical Therapy @1

-Eat/Drink

-Pain Meds by Mouth
1.5 Hourly Vitals

-8 am        -2 pm -8 pm

-9 am        -3 pm

-10 am      -4 pm

-11 am      -5 pm

-12 pm      -6 pm

-1 pm        -7 pm

Wednesday 3/1/17

RN:Shannon & Lauren

CA: Michalla
-Up to Chair (2 Times)

-Walk (3 Times)

-Drain Removal

-Catheter Removal

-Physical Therapy @10

-Shower

-Bathroom
1.5 Hourly Vitals  

-8 am         -2 pm

-9 am         -3 pm

-10 am       -4 pm

-11 am       -5 pm

-12 pm       -6 pm

-1 pm         -7 pm

Thursday 3/2/17
-Walk (2 Times)

-Bathroom

-Physical therapy @10

-Stairs

-Discharge papers???
1.5 Hourly Vitals  

-8 am           -12 pm

-9 am            -1 pm

-10 am

-11 am

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Monday:

-The lights hurt as I open my eyes. I blink hard a couple of times, trying to focus on where I was and what was happening. I look at the clock. 12:30, okay I was out of surgery. My head hurt, my eyes felt heavy, the medicine was taking over my body, I couldn’t move anything. I turned to my left and saw my grandparents sitting there, tears in eyes. I smile and close my eyes again, trying to protect them from the bright lights in the room.

-I woke up, same symptoms from last time. I look up at the clock again, 1:45. I turn expecting to see my grandparents but see my mom and dad. I smile and close my eyes once again.

-When I open my eyes again, I am being wheeling into what looks like my own room in the hospital. The pain was stronger than ever and they had to pump more meds into my body to control it. I was turned to my side and feel asleep once again.

-Every 2 hours was a nightmare to me. I was turned either on my right or left side and if it was okay I was lying right on my back. It would take forever for me to get comfortable and to make things even worse I had to take strong pain meds. The kind that you find on the streets of my hometown unfortunately.

-Sleep. Oh sleep. It was the best thing for me right now. It seemed to be the only thing to make me happy.

Tuesday:

-I woke up to my nurses giving me pain meds, forcing it down my throat. It tasted so bad that I refused to take it each time.

-I wanted to go back to sleep but she raised by bed so I was sitting in the upward position. I had to get my blood draw which I didn’t have a problem with. I had my blood draw so much at this point that I didn’t affect me at this point.

-Physical Therapy. What do they expect my to do, I had been out of surgery for not even a day. I still could barely feel my arms and my legs felt numb. After a strong protest, they assured me though it was going to be very lite and later in the day. I was hoping later would never come.

-After my blood was drawn, I had to be washed up and have my clothes changed. Since I went right to sleep the day before I was still in the linen that I was in for my surgery. They sat me up so I had no support for my back accept their hands. It felt weird and uncomfortable. I felt like a stranger in my own body.

-Once I was clean and my clothes were changed I was looking forward to laying back down and sleeping. But part of my physical therapy was to get out of bed and into a chair. It took all my strength to walk the 2 feet to the chair. I laid back and closed my eyes. The pain was stronger than ever but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want anymore pain meds, I didn’t want to become addicted. I didn’t want to be like the kids back home. They gave me something tiny to eat and drink.I wasn’t supposed to eat at all and honestly I didn’t want to but the little they gave me I forced down my throat just like the pain meds.  

-After I built my strength back up, I was moved back to my bed and was able to lie back down. It felt so good being able to relax, but the only thing that sucked about it was that I had to get back up for Physical Therapy. And you guessed it I had to walk again

-I was sat up at the edge of the bed and helped onto my feet. It was only going to be small, just to the door and back I kept telling myself. It was just 5 feet, 10 total from there and back. One foot in front of the other, slow and steady, don’t fall, almost there. The words circled in my head over and over again, trying to tell myself it was going to be okay. I got to the door frame and felt sick. I got back to the bed quicker than I really should have. I sat back down and everything that I ate came right back up.

-The nurses finally decided that it had been a long day for me and let me lay back down for the night. I took my pain meds and ended up falling back asleep.

-Oh sleep, it was the best thing ever.

Wednesday:

- I woke up feeling the best that I had been since I got in the hospital. I want to say it was 6 in the morning and I had 3 nurses in my room. I looked around and my parents were still asleep. It was time to be moved and to take pain meds. No trouble at all. I closed my eyes again but the nurses stopped me from going back to sleep. I asked what was going on and I got “Morgan,sweetheart it’s time to remove your catheter”. It shouldn’t be hard right? Maybe a little pinch nothing much right? “On the count of 3 okay? 1…..2…..3….” It was nothing like I expected, a lot worse than it should have been. My stomach doubled over and I felt like I was going to be sick again. The nurses left the room like nothing happened and I was laying in my bed in pain. The pain was almost as strong as the pain I had the days before.

-Through the pain somehow I was able to fall asleep. I woke up feeling good but I didn’t want to second guess myself and have something else removed. They sat me up and gave me morning pain meds. I wanted to get a hand start on my to-do list so I moved from my bed to the chair and ate my breakfast. After my nurses told me it was time to remove my drain. I knew I was going to have to get that removed at some point today. The specialist came into my room and opened the back of my linen. “On the count of 3 okay? 1…...2…...3…..” It was a lot quicker than the last one but felt a whole lot different. Like something had been sucked out of my skin. But I was glad it was over and I could get up and walking

-The floor of the hospital I was on, had a big loop in the middle to connect a lot of the rooms. So the first time walking I went around the loop and the nurses were shocked that I could walk that much. I got back to the room and sat in my chair. I wanted to walk again, it felt good to be feeling this good.

-Once I finished physical therapy I was able to walk again. This time it had nothing to do with walking but to use my arms and shoulder especially since the curve of my spine affected it. Moving them in different ways but I still had to be careful of my stitches.

-It felt so good to be able to walk again. I felt good and was able to make it to the measurement room. They took my height, weight, and measured my scar. Walking felt so good, I had no pain at all, except the little pressure in my back.

-The nurses started to get really concerned with how good I was feeling. It wasn’t normal for a patient out of back surgery for 2 days to feel this good. They didn’t expect me to walk like that for at least another 3 days

-After I made it back to my room. I was surprised with my little sisters coming to visit. I was happy for the first time since checking into the hospital. I was happy and that was good enough for me.

- Shortly after though, I had to take a shower. I thought by myself but no, my nurses had to help me. Even though it was a very uncomfortable for my nurses to be giving me a shower, it felt so good. It felt good to be more clean than just a wash up with a cloth. To feel the warm water on my body and the water comforting my scar. After that though I was able to use the bathroom by myself and pass my first check point to be able to get out of the hospital.   

-I got dressed and was able to visit with my little sisters some more. It felt good, this was the only day when I truly felt good about my situation.

-It started to get late, it had been a long day and the doctors encouraged me to go to sleep but I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay up, I had so much energy, this was the best I had ever felt. Instead of being in the chair the nurses moved me back to my bed. I put my head back, closed my eyes for a second, and fell asleep. Then next thing I knew my room was dark and my parents were asleep.

Thursday:

- I woke up earlier than I really should have, nobody was awake, nobody was in my room. It was just me and my thoughts. I looked over at the clock and it was about 5 in the morning. I closed my eyes trying to fall asleep again but thoughts were wandering. Like how long would I have to be in the hospital? Would I have to stay here for the rest of my life? What if something went wrong? What if I overdid it yesterday? Did I pop a stitch? I tried to ignore it all but it was hard, when the topic was on my mind. What if my life is over and I won’t be able to do the things I want to?

- My nurse came in to take my vitals, move me over, and give my meds. I didn’t want to still be taking them but I had to. After this it was off and on sleep. It was the constant thinking that my life was over that made it worse.

-Around 7:30 I had enough and raised my bed. My favorite RN’s came in at their usual time, did their usual routine, and surprised me with some unusual news. I was expected to go home today if I could just climb stairs. Simple right?

-My parents got way too excited. I watched them rush around the room, packing everything away in the suit cases, I heard my grandmother out in the hallway checking out of her hotel. All I could think about was what if I can’t climb the stairs? I would let everybody down. My physical therapist came into the room and took me to the nearest staircase. I look up the stairs and it seemed like a mountain. I wasn’t sure that I was going to be able to do it. I took my first couple of steps and I was already drained. But I had to keep going or else I would let my parents down and my little sisters back home. I had worked so hard the day before and did so well that I had to get this done. I had to be able to do this for me and everybody else.

-It was hard but I was able to do it. I got to the top of the staircase and it was legit all downhill from there. I got back to the room and was exhausted. I sat on the edge of the bed and waited to get changed. I was happy to be able to go home and get out of the hospital. Plus the food started to get gross.

-It was hard getting into the car without popping a stitch but I was able to do it. I don’t remember much after that. To be able to make it the whole way home without pain, the nurses pumped my body with pain meds. I got into the car and then the next thing I remember is pulling into my driveway.

-It was a long day, once I was in house I was about dead. Even though I had slept almost all the way home but I was still very tired. It was a lot to handle in one day. I went in my mom’s room and took a nap. I ended up sleeping the rest of the day.

-Since I was still restricted on my use of staries and my bedroom was upstairs. I slept in my mom’s room from that point for about the next month and a half

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For 7 long months it was just me and my mind. Trying to figure out where we went wrong, why was this happening to us? Why was my spine trying to curve and bend in these ways. So many important nerves inside it. Then my mind would drift off to other things like “Omg can those nerves snap, am I going to die, please please don’t let me die I want to live.” These thoughts would linger all the time but it was strongest when it was just me and my mind. When there was nothing else better to do then think. My mind was the only thing I couldn’t get away from. I could get away from the people at school, teachers, my parents, my siblings. But my mind; nope. It is always there, always thinking, always overthinking, always second guessing everything I do. I could never find peace from it. When I went to bed at night, I thought the mental abuse with myself was going to be over. But yet again I was wrong, instead of thinking about these things, I would dream them. The images of my x-rays would flash through my mind, images of my spine breaking in half inside me, my spine breaking to the point where I was paralyzed for the rest of my life. My mind would haunt me. All the time, I never got a break. I wish I was able to just walk away from it for a little bit. Just imagine 7 months with nobody but your mind to comfort you. And it couldn’t even do that, it never comforted me, just always tortured me.  

For over a year and half I was restricted from the things I loved the most. I had my life practically taken away from me. During that year and half span my life was falling apart to me. I kept things together at school and at home with my family but the second I was alone I fell apart. But who could really blame me? Nothing went right for me. I did everything right and followed everything I was told to. And how do I get repaid? A slap in the face and having to do everything over again. I would have to stop my life once again and try and work around this new schedule. I was sick and tired of having no control over my own life. Not being able to make my own decisions. But again I wasn’t even able to make my own decisions when it came to my own body. It was either the doctors or my spine deciding what my life was like. It used to never be in my full control. I decided that I needed my life back, I needed to fight through this and do all the stuff I loved and enjoyed. I didn’t want to stay there and take it. I couldn’t be like the normal patients when it came to my brace or being in the hospital or out of surgery. I needed to take that step ahead of everybody else. I needed my life back. I am not being over dramatic about this either. Being trapped with your mind with nothing but those images, those questions, those thoughts floating around all the time sucked, not to mention it got worse when you were alone. Feeling alone sucks. To have to feel like your only friend is your mind sucks. That nobody is there for you and nobody understands what is going on. After a lot of thinking I am glad that it is all over. Yeah other things run through my mind all the time and I wish I could escape from it but that can’t happen. Me and my mind are together for the rest of my life.