One cold January night at 3 A.M an iphone “ding”  woke my family up immediately, as something bad had happened to my aunt and their family in the United States. We gathered up in one of the rooms and everything went silent. There was this dark feeling in the room we were all feeling even though we did not know what had happened exactly. As the Facetime ring is heard from my aunt in the US we froze, afraid to accept the call, but also needing to know that things are alright. As soon as the connection is established chaos gushed in the room. There was shouting from my aunt but we did not know what happened. As we tried to understand what had happened from my aunt we were in an unimaginable panic.

My cousin had passed away.

I heard indistinct shouts, ”No way, no way, this isn’t happening.”

The response was very bitter, my aunt confirmed the news. Everything went dark, I could not feel anything.  My mind was clear of any thoughts. I was numb, empty, and felt meaningless. It was a total feelings blackout, I felt as if I was not alive. I was stuck in this numbness and emptiness where I lost sense of time or anything else. I did not know who I was anymore. I could not cry, but I could not stop thinking of the elephant in the room; which was my cousin’s death. Everything seemed bland, everything meant nothing to me; I was frozen. Sound couldn’t leave my mouth, and I could barely speak.  I could not express myself, I was myself’s own prisoner. I don’t know clearly how long this feeling lasted but I started realizing the scope of what happened only after I woke up the following night. Many people came to visit to give their condolences, but frankly I don’t remember clearly who came and who didn’t. I did not know who I was anymore, I could not recognize myself.

The next morning I realize I am losing sense of reality, and start to get my mind and thoughts straight. I try taking things step after step recalling last night’s events. The hardest thing is accepting reality; which was my cousin had passed away. After realizing what had happened you grasp back to reality.  My perception was back, and that morning was the first time I had properly cried about my cousin because I was sad. The second stage I experienced consisted of overwhelming feelings of sadness. The first couple days or first week is very hard as you are surrounded by a never ending feeling of sadness that you do not know how to escape. The first week was the toughest for me as it is miserable. You think you can’t escape the gloom that surrounds you and feel as if there isn’t a solution. As days pass you start to think about other things again, and start to think more logically about your approach to this situation.

Albanians have this very sinister perception of death. It is something that we Albanians view as the end of all things. We decline to get hopeful, and find as a solution  grievances for long periods of times. Unlike other approaches as religious or spiritual methods to get over losing a loved one. I tried to view it differently, I saw it as something out of my hands. I see it as something that heals with time, and something that you need to get over eventually as you lose touch with reality. I try to make things as simple as possible to view them more logically than through overwhelming feelings and emotion.  I do not know what to think about it, I am not clear on what I really think and feel as it is a weird combination of emotions and thoughts I can’t really describe. Sometimes It scares me, thinking about how it might happen again to someone else I care about. Now I think of it as something beyond my power, and as a very negative experience. I try to think of it as little as possible avoiding all those overwhelming emotions that make me lose sense of reality.

This really shaped me as a person, as it was an experience in life I had never gone through.It was something I knew I was going to deal with, but  never predicted or realized I would face it this early in my life. It is something that happens in a split second that leaves consequences for the rest of people’s lives. It has made me understand many things that are unexplainable and how to deal with them, how to face them and not let them get in your way.