Something That Needed to be Let Out

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I think it's hard to move on after someone leaves, after losing someone important to you. Especially when they take a part of you with them that you can't really truly ever get back. When I was 10 I lost my best friends, I mean yes we all lost a friend that day but the two of them still had each other. I was replaced by another and left forgotten and alone. I guess a heart never completely heals itself after something like that, especially at a young age when that's all you even knew, you're never truly the same.

 

Flash forward a few years and it's 7th grade and that same damaged heart of a young girl gets dragged around and then thrown away by a guy you actually believed liked you. Now that damaged heart is even more beat up. That original hole getting bigger and bigger. No one trying to fix it. From all the quays after him, I was told I was annoying or not good enough or used and lied to over and over again. Half of them said they wouldn't leave, wouldn't let the past repeat again, but then they want and repeated the past anyway. Each time hurt worse than the last time, repeating over and over for 4 years.

 

Friends, the new ones I made after I lost my first best friends, some left completely without a reason, some with a reason. Some are still here but not completely, never really hear from them or see them, it's like there just drifting away and don't care about our friendships anymore. Some probably don't even realize their fading away but I can feel it. I've had so many people leave that I know what it's like when someone fades away. I don't think my heart has had the ability to heal at all. Year after year a new heartbreak another bullet in the heart.

 

Now, these last three years everyone says are supposed to be great, High Schools supposed to be fun, and not lonely. But alone Is how I spent most of those three years, being told by anyone I tried to be friends with I was annoying or never hearing back from them. Never seeing my so-called friends because they were always busy, well busy hanging out with other people. People kept disappearing left and right, and I because too scared to keep starting over. All the fighting & arguing here, and all the loss has made me come to blame myself. Everyone has said it's my fault, I don't know how it is, but I started to believe it. Hearing it from home, from any guy I liked or talked to, old friends, everyone. It's left me to ask, Why else would everyone leave me? Why would I not be able to have anyone who seems to truly care and want to be there with/for me? The blame Gets worse the more fighting I hear and the more people that leave without an explanation. How could I be so bad at picking friends that everyone leaves? I've felt so alone for so long and no matter how much I try to make people stay… it's never enough. No matter how much I change, or just be who I am… nothing ever works.  That's probably why I'm so scared and nervous around this new guy. Ive felt something pulling me towards you since the middle of Sophomore year ( it's now Senior year) that I haven't been able to shack. You made an impression on me the first day you came into my life and now every time I see you or hear your name that feeling just comes creeping back again and again. Even when I would try to not feel this way about you, and tell myself it wasn't there, it still was.

 

This feeling I've had about you since then is still with me like a scar of destiny that you can't get rid of. For some reason everything about you makes me feel happy even when I'm feeling like the world is ending and it's all my fault, the sight of you in class every day for the past year and a half has kept me holding on to what little sanity I have left. But you don't even know me. I've wanted to talk to you every day and have had so many opportunities to but every time I try something holds me back. My past has me terrified that it will repeat like it has been for the past many years, and a part of me knows that I won't be able to handle having the past repeat with you. Funny Right? I don't even have you and I'm completely terrified of losing you. I started doing new things at school saying it's for one reason but the real reason is a hope that I'd run into you.

 

I guess that hope, that feeling in my gut pulling me towards you might actually be real, no matter how many people say it's not. For last weekend you were walking towards me and when I looked up our eyes locked. Subtle but strong I felt my heart freeze skipping a beat and my breath gets lost in the moment. After that, I found my eyes always finding you no matter how emerged in the crowd you were, and when my eyes found you your eyes met mine just for a brief moment over and over again that night.  Now I'm sitting here overwhelmed by this feeling you give me. Wishing I wasn't so scared, so worried, so afraid to talk to you and have the past happen again. Because every time I looked in your eyes I didn't feel so broken, I didn't feel so alone. I felt different, I felt pure joy and excitement. You'd leave me smiled like I was a little kid at Christmas every time our eyes would meet. I want to talk to you but I don't know how to not be so afraid and I'm tired of sitting hoping it will just happen. HOw do you keep your past from holding you back? From happening again? How do you not feel like you're not worth it? You're a star athlete and I'm just an artsy girl standing on the sidelines with a camera, but somehow you're everything I ever dreamed, I ever needed. I don't want to keep losing people, I want all the arguing and fighting to stop. I want to be able to be loved, to be happy. I can't handle much more fighting or losing anyone else, I don't think I can survive being alone much longer. I've tried so hard to save myself from this feeling and failed, again and again, now it seems you're the only thing that can.






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