I don't remember much, to be honest. Although, what I can remember is watching the “Love is All You Need?" short film over and over, and crying while staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, quite literally watching myself fall apart, at my lowest point.
I still hate him for it, but I also don’t. It may be because I didn’t understand my emotions from that time for a while, but of course I'm naturally going to blame him. He poked a bear like me; which if someone knew me, would know that that wasn’t very wise.
Now, about him. Let's call him John.
I grew up relatively normal in a relatively normal family. My parents never truly enforced beliefs or religion upon us (yet we blessed dinner on major holidays or prayed when in time of sorrow, like any generic person,) and they still don't enforce beliefs or religion to this day. I never understood the difference, or if there even was one, between being Christian, or Catholic, or Jewish, or anything. I was ignorant. I assumed that everyone in the world talked to the God I did. When I wanted something, I thought that that was the one God that everyone pleaded to. I also, the naïve child I was, believed that nothing could ever come negatively of that God. Some people say ignorance is bliss. But John? No, he completely disagreed. He was Catholic. I was lost and didn't even know it - lost about being lost. This was a problem for John.
We used to argue periodically about it. I always dismissed the subject before it could get out of hand. So, my relationship turned into brushing everything under the rug.
I don't recall why it came up that particular day. But, I decided not to brush it under the rug. Why did I have to do that?
In my mind, at that time at least, it was common knowledge that Catholics or denominations of that are against a lot of liberal things. Things like contraception, women's rights, and gay marriage. It's our right to have an opinion that may not be the popular one. But in this case, no one wins. There is no popular. I felt like a minority, when I'm probably one of the most privileged in this world, in the eyes of others. In the eyes of those directly affected or affiliated to this issue, I am privileged. They would not be wrong to think that. Those who have been or are homosexual, and never got married, who still cannot exercise their newfound legal right in the United States, because people like John have decided what's moral for others. What's better for them as well as themselves. Rodger couldn't let me decide what was the best for me, and I'm heterosexual on any day of the week.
He had started to argue about how he couldn't, in the long run, be with someone who wasn't officially part of his faith. He would throw terms at me that I still don't fully fathom. I believe that marriage for anyone should be a possibility, regardless of the circumstances. But times have changed, in many ways, and that's why this has had a lasting effect on my life.
Freedom is so much more than what we treat it to be. People can have what they need and just be satisfied, when others continue to struggle. I let John get to me, so I was struggling myself that day. But now, I refuse to struggle with my life. And I refuse that same tyranny for gay people who still face resistance in their naturalistic ways; those who cannot find peace and continue to be harassed for who they are. Killed even.
I don't believe religion is responsible for this. I also don’t believe it's just the government, or just the men, or just the feminists: it's the mentality. And you should be able to have faith, or no faith, and have a respectable mentally, no matter if you’re a man, woman, atheist, Catholic, politician, or anyone else.
I want to make this difference in the world, and in even towns, and even John. I don't speak to him anymore, but one day it will get across. I am thankful I was so upset that day. It was an awakening that problems like this are bigger than us all. A lot of people are sleeping. One day, I will wake them up.